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Something’s not right

Razzle
Senior Contributor

Dream or memory??

Potentially TRIGGERING !!

 

This is going to sound so jumbled and confusing because my thoughts are all over the place at the moment.

 

Last week I saw 2 people that sexually assualted me almost 40 years ago when I was 8 years old.  It sent me into a bit of a tail spin and I’ve had a hard time coping since then.  I’m like a duck on a pond, all calm on the surface but paddling like $hit underneath.

 

Stepping back a bit here - I started seeing a councillor last year regarding my past sexual abuse.  Aside from the group assault (the 2 people I saw were from the group), there was a single sexual assault when I was 10 and then the worst of any of the abuse I suffered happened when I was 11 and 12 by an old man known to the family.  My councillor knows EVERYTHING, every horrible little detail.  One of the things he has said to me was how much worse things would have been if a pregnancy had resulted.  I agreed, I always thought myself lucky (for a better word) that that never happened.

 

A few nights ago I had what I can only describe as a really dis-jointed dream.  As a child I always spent the September school holidays at a friends farm about 300kms from my town.  This dream was about a holiday I had there. It was like watching photographs as they were being taken.  The photos were of an event that did happen when I was there, but the photos were taken out of order.  I woke up crying, my husband was already up, he had got up early to go spraying before it got too hot, so he didn’t see me, and I haven’t told him about it.

 

I remember everything that happened to me when I was a child, but I’m not sure if this was a dream or a flash back??  

 

One of the things we discussed at a councilling session was that the old man used to ask if I had started getting

my period, which was, to me as a child, hugely embarrassing and something I didn’t want to discuss with this old man so I always said no - never realising why it was important to him (knew nothing about sex Ed back then).  That’s why my councillor said it would have been so much worse.

 

I have now gone over and over this event that I dreamed about.  My period has never been regular right from the start.  When the abuse was at it worst, being more frequent, the September holidays came and I went to the farm.  I was in the bathroom because I did have my period and I went to change the pad.  I was really uncomfortable, I wasn’t having cramps or in pain, but when I went to change the pad it was a total mess !!  I remember feeling hugely embarrassed and wondering how I was going to dispose of the pad so I opened the window and through it into the overgrown garden.  I slipped out of the house later, picked it up and ran down to a timber area and discarded it there.

 

I’ve always remebered that event as feeling embarrassed - but now I’m remembering it as the mess on the pad, that’s why I’m now confused as to wether this was just a dream or was it a flash back.  The closest I’ve ever had to a flash back was to do with when I was 10 (the first time I “stepped out” and went somewhere else in my mind while I was being assaulted, so I can’t remeber the actual assault) but I get a flash, like a photograph of looking down on my body.

 

I honestly feel that the whole event in the bathroom was a miscarriage.  I have had miscarriages between my pregnancies when my husband and I were having our family, I knew they were miscarriages because the pregnancy tests were always an undeniable positive, but I never had any pain or cramps.

 

How can I remember every horrible detail of what happened as a child, but not this?  How could I have not remebered this?   Why now??  I’m so angry with myself, another great big fu€king red flag that everyone missed,  myself included !!

 

I can’t even describe how sad I feel right now.  Sad doesn’t even come close to how I’m feeling, god how I wish I could erase every damn memory in my brain.  This pain just never ends

 

31 REPLIES 31

Re: Dream or memory??

Hi @Razzle  just wanted you to know I've seen your post and send wishes that things improve for you.  I also have a history of csa and I know how hard it can be sometimes, even many years later  (I'm 55).  Thinking of you and supporting you.  Glad to hear you have counselling support.

I also have a lot of dreams that include true memories and new bits of events in the past.  And wake up panicking or distressed.  It has settled a little for me since being put on a med by my psychiatrist that blocks adrenalin receptors and thus reduces PTSD flashback nightmares.  If you have a pschiatrist it might be worth asking about.  We're not allowed to name meds here, sorry.

Re: Dream or memory??

Hey there @Razzle Thank you so very much for sharing such a vulnerable journey. It sounds like there's quite a lot coming up all at once, alot of really strong imagery that still sits with you and I want to say thank you for sharing it with us here in the community. This is a safe space and we are all 100% here to listen peer-to-peer Heart

 

I am really glad to hear you have a good relationship with your counsellor and he's providing some valuable insight into this, do you think that a lot is coming up as a result of the work you are doing in counselling?  Do you have any close supports outside of counselling as well you feel you can turn to (you mentioned your Husband may not know)? The sadness you sit with makes a lot of sense, your adult self is no doubt holding space for that little one too. I hope you know you're an incredibly strong, resilient human being and you will absolutely find a way forward through this Heart

 

Unsure if you've heard of 1800Respect and Blueknot but both organisations can be really good to reach out to in addition to your existing support. They're specifically trained around flashbacks and sexual assault. Have you come across them at all?

 

Let us know how you're travelling Heart 

Re: Dream or memory??

Thanks @eth.  I see a councillor, not a psychiatrist so he can’t prescribe medication.  

 

I guess what I’m most afraid of is if I can remember some pretty horrific details, what is it I’m not remembering and is it going to spring up on me.  

 

I first “stepped out” during the sexual assault when I was 10.  My brain took me to a boat on calm water and I couldn’t see any land, I just cloud watched and felt very calm and safe.  I didn’t become aware of myself until I was outside walking toward my home.  During my time with the old man when he started to become violent I began to step out again, but not ALL the time.  If what I can remember is bad, how bad was what I can’t remeber?  

 

Im terrified just thinking about now.

Re: Dream or memory??

@nashy  I don’t think I’ve heard of either of the organisations you mentioned, but I will definitely check them out, thankyou for the info.

 

I have a very good relationship with

my councilor, I count myself very lucky to have him.  He started as my marriage councillor and then started to see me 1 on 1 when we realised just how bad my CSA has affected my marriage.

 

My husband does know about my past, just not the identities of the offenders.  My husband and I have been on pretty shaky ground lately, hence why I haven’t told him about what’s happened over the last few days.

 

I hadn’t seen my councillor since early December, but we had a marriage councilling session yesterday with both of us so I didn’t mention anything about this.  I do see him alone on Wednesday and I am desperately counting down the days.

 

My mum is staying here this weekend, so I’m wearing “the mask” pretending everything is fine - she doesn’t know ANYTHING about my CSA, no one in my family does.  I really am struggling at the moment, I’m just hanging on until I can talk it out with my councillor.

Re: Dream or memory??

@Razzle  we are here to help you get through to your Wednesday appointment.  But I agree with @nashy about checking out those organisations.  Finding someone out there who you can really drop your guard with and talk completely openly with about what you are going through and have been through.

Sending warm wishes.  You are not alone.

Re: Dream or memory??

Thanks @eth

I had a bit of a look at each of those organisations on the internet last night.  I might reach out to blueknot on Monday when I have a bit of alone time.  My mum is here this weekend, she has dementia and requires a fair bit of care so I’m kind of attached to her for the next few days, but I think I’ll need to seek some help before Wednesday.  

 

Thankyou so much for your support, I really do appreciate it ❤️❤️

Re: Dream or memory??

You're welcome @Razzle.  Hope the time with your Mum there isn't too stressful for you.

Re: Dream or memory??

@eth @nashy

I didn’t get much alone time for myself yesterday so wasn’t able to contact blueknot.  

 

My husband and I had an actual conversation last night, like a real “just shooting the shit” conversation, where we just talked about anything and everything - something we haven’t done for years.  At one point he asked me if I still have the feelings of dread, something I’ve been doing battle with for around a year now that has eventuated into panic attacks.

 

In the end, I told him there was a reason I had made the appointment with my councillor, and then I told him about the dream and how I’m now realising I’d had a miscarriage.  I cried, and then he cried too.  It’s been years, but I actually felt like we had a bit of a connection, he was genuinely upset for me.

 

I didn’t get much sleep last night, think I finally drifted off around 4am, but I woke on and off for the rest of the night.

 

Im so jittery now, uncomfortable in my

own skin, I feel like I’m shaking like a leaf on the inside - it’s a horrible feeling.    Anxiety is off the charts again.

 

I’m seeing my councillor tomorrow, just hanging in until then.

Re: Dream or memory??

Hi @Razzle  it sounds like a real breakthrough with the conversation with your husband.  Sounds like he really listened and felt for you.  Feeling unsettled since then is understandable.  Sharing (having disclosure) with someone for the first time about an event is very scary and can leave you feeling very vulnerable,  but it seems you chose well deciding to tell him.  Hoping you can have a day of being gentle with  yourself and maybe do some self-care activity like sitting in the garden, having a bath, using some essential oils, or even cooking something nutritious to share (that one works for me at times).  Hopefully you will be able to talk about it with your counsellor and that they have some helpful advice for you.  Remembering such a traumatic event and seeing it in a new light can be traumatic in itself.  Hoping also that you are able to talk to one of the help lines to help get through today.

Take care, will be thinking of you.  Have to go out soon but will check in here later today if possible.

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