Lived Experience Forum

[-Rayne-]

Facing the reality that i'm becoming gradually less okay over time. There are better and worse days and weeks and months but if I look back on the last 3 years the trajectory is definitely downward. I hate everything and I don't want to be here. I don't want to keep fighting and looking for positives and remembering my obligations and whatever other sht is supposed to keep us here. It's all pointless. Why tread water for a day when you're only gonna drown at the end of it anyway. You may as well save yourself the trouble.

[Baboo]

or you can suffer and live 🙂 is there people or animals in your life worth living for? You could write a blog tomorrow and become filthy rich- you could make a new Friend and change their life. you could volunteer your time to a community garden or op shop. you could go on a trip around the country by foot to raise money for a charity. Suffering and living is amazing 😉 do you want to tell me about your life atm?

[-Rayne-]

hey baboo, don't think we've met. 

yeh there's the twins who needs us - one of them especially. they're 21 and have kept us here for at least 19 years. we haven't forgotten them but there has to be an end to it. when we were their age..... well, our lives were a world apart from theirs. they will be ok. like we were. not easy but nothing is.

What is my life like? I don't know - disjointed. Not everything is bad but the good doesn't outweigh everything else. I can't see a point in the future when existing wont' be an effort and a struggle. And once you accept that, it's hard to see why... anything. 

We had a trigger this weekend and it ended in a day off work trying to avoid SH because our SH is now always a massive issue (surgery, months off work, very traumatic aftermath). Now that has been dealt with but we're just over it. This life isn't worth what it's costing us to maintain it. It's rational to stop.

[Former-Member]

Hey @-Rayne-

I'm another moderator on until midnight tonight. Looks like you are off line atm but I wanted to say hi and let you know I am here or available via email if you need extra support tonight.

I can understand how you feel, living with mental illness can be exhausting and seem like things will never improve. I just encourage you to reach out and accept support to get you through the darkest days.

Keep safe and I look forward to chatting with you further here on the forum.

kind regards,

Frog

[-Rayne-]

Thanks for understanding.

I drank half a bottle of vodka and took emergency meds and slept well. I'm at work now. Yesterday we stayed home and that didn't work out to well so I thought I might as well come in. Something happened on Sunday that has set this up. Knowing that doesn't really help at all though.  

[-Rayne-]

im afraid of what i see. im afraid it will happen. i'll have to do it.