27-02-2019 11:01 AM
just want to get some guidance on how I can/ should help my ex
background on how his depression came about- broken family, his mother has depression which she then made some poor decisions which led to various broken relationships as well having a suicide attempt. he grew up in this environment. He then got into a 7yr relationship with the ex who then cheated. We got together one month later.
we stayed together for 2 years, in this time, i can now recognise the signs of his depression but I did not see how bad it was and i was ignorant about the situation
He has sought help, seeing a therapist and started taking medication. Once he started on meds, he got worse. He broke up with me shortly. And then immediately went on a work trip.
he is in my house, and i moved Back to my parents. 2 months later, he is still in my house. He is with a new girl (met her straight after the breakup) And is starting to drink and smoke. I would not be surprised if he started drugs while over there.
What i am so sure about is this is not him, he is a genuine guy who is kind. Everyone tells me to let him learn, but I feel like he is in need of serious help
27-02-2019 05:09 PM
Hey @Cookiedough no doubt this is causing a great deal of worry, it's incredible how kind and attentive you are to your ex-partner. It's interesting to note he has jumped from relationship to relationship, which makes sense he's been through so many painful experiences as a young person. It is true that at some point you do have to accept he's on his own journey, his therapist ideally will be supporting him through these huge transitions. When you say he is in your house, do you look after his expenses etc? I think it's certainly a tricky balance at times as a carer, to both check in and care about someone but also do so with loving boundaries. This community will provide heaps of insight for you, please know you're not alone, a few of our members struggle with continuing care of an ex-partner challenged by mental illness, as such I hope this community serves as a safe space for you.
Do you chat to a counsellor yourself at all? Look forward to hearing from you
27-02-2019 06:35 PM
thanks @nashy for your kind words!
No, he is looking after his own expenses but there are things in the house that are still mine. we had previously agreed that he will be out by the 31st March. The only reason why I agreed to such a long date ( broke up on the 11 dec) was because i knew he was going through a tough time and I wanted to make it easy for him. Little did I know that he had already found another lady. But that aside I can see what he is doing, he is following in the footsteps of his mum, but I know deep down he is fearful of being like her, as he was a victim of her behaviour. He is putting a bandaid on his issues instead of dealing to them.
He is seeing a therapist, but I have a feeling he is lying to her too. a few weeks after the breakup, I caught up with him, and he proclaims everything is sweet and his therapist no longer thinks they need to be seeing her that frequently anymore.
I havent seen a councellor, but it may be a good idea.
Its just so hard to understand what is going through his head. I know I need to set boundries, he cant continue to hurt me, but I do want try talk to him, but he lies to everyone including himself.
He is honestly a decent guy and deserving of life but he is a victim of his past and cant seem to pull himself out of it
02-03-2019 07:59 PM
just read your post and the part that imediately pricked up my ears was the part where you said since your ex has been taking meds he is getting worse. I just found out that our wonderful mental health system has been prescribing benzodiazepines to my wife and that she may have been having what is called a "Paradoxical reaction" to them for the last five years. She is now seriously addicted to them. During our last hidden sharps search of the house my son and i found her benzo stash and a ton of scripts for more. Her regular doctor went on leave and didnt have time to hand over to the new doctor not to write scripts for my wife and that i was supposed to control them. I dont even think the PTSD is even much of an issue anymore but there is my wife is in hospital again after slitting both her arms open for the sixth time. Also going from 0 to 100 in terms of agitated state like nobodies business over the slightest negative feeling. Please google Benzodiazepine addiction in PTSD suffers. Apparently quite a number of our PTSD sufferers end up in this state. The pharmaceutical sites also state that there is a "minority" who suffer this paradoxical reaction to the meds but i cant seem to find any exact numbers. What a surprise! Please dont take them straight off them if you decide to try this. Please read carefully all the articles on weaning people off Benzodiazepines and have your doctor do it. I am of course making a huge assumption that your ex is taking them but id bet money on it. Lets see how long it takes someone representing a pharmaceutical company to remove this post.
10-04-2019 08:24 PM
Sounds like you were in a really tough situation, @Cookiedough. I've supported an ex after a break up in a similar circumstance, so I could relate as I was reading your words. How are you doing now?
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