Lived Experience Forum

[Bluetoo]

i Could use any advice or thoughts. I’m in such a low place. It’s been almost 2 months of this and I am so tired of it all. 

I found out my husband cheated on me 2 years ago and almost again 1 year ago. We’ve been married 32 years now and I can’t stop feeling that I wasted my whole life with this man and am still wasting my life by staying with him. 

Hes been going to couples therapy with me the whole time since I found out. He’s made so many changes for the better in how he treats me. I should be happy. But all I feel is an overwhelming doom. If it happens again I don’t know what I will do. 

I know this is an age old problem but I never thought it’d happen to me. I guess I’ve lived in la la land all my life. Well it’s a rude awakening and I can’t shake it off. 

I thought I was handling it very well for the most part up til a couple of months ago. But it’s like it happened fresh all over again. I feel this weight coming down on me all day everyday. How does a woman get over this?  

I cant imagine being with any other person but him. I don’t want anyone else but him. But I hate my life, the life we’ve worked so hard to make for ourselves. We have our dream now and I can’t enjoy it. I’m not enjoying it. 

I have chronic pain and migraines but I’ve had that for a long time and was coping with it. I just can’t cope with this new hand I was dealt. 

I hate being depressed. I’m normally a happy person. I’ve struggled with depression periodically but never like this. It’s all consuming.

I’m not suicidal but I feel like I just want to die and get it over with. I think I’m too nosy to do that though. I want to see what’s on the other side but I am starting to wonder if there will be another side or if this is it. Am I always going to wonder if he’s cheated on me again? I hate not trusting the man I’ve invested my whole life for. 

I hope none of you have had to go through this but if anyone has, do you have any advice? Maybe I just want to be able to snap my fingers and make it all go away. 

Thanks for any thoughts you may have. I could really use a friend right now. 

[Mazarita]

Hi @Bluetoo, so sorry you are having to go through this in such a long marriage. I haven't had the experience of a partner cheating on me, except emotionally when our marriage was going very sour due to my mental illness for the most part, I think. Emotionally I was kind of replaced with another woman, who after many years ended up married to him, but it didn't last for long. We were together about nine years all up so, even there, I don't have the experience of such a long marriage. But I did feel so very jealous of that other woman and angry at him (though I was already angry at him, just from being an angry person at that time).

I can only imagine how painful it would be to have trusted your husband all this time and to feel let down in a big way after so many years together. 

Perhaps time may help with this. Perhaps it may get better the more time shows you that he can be trusted again.

In so many ways I don't feel qualified to answer your post. But, since I am often around at night, I thought I'd respond and just say hi too.

Kind wishes,

Maz

[Bluetoo]

Thank you @Mazarita. I appreciate your kind words. 

I just wish I could get a break from all these feelings. I want to just run away but I can’t run away from myself. 

[Mazarita]

I think having to live with ourselves is one of the biggest challenges, @Bluetoo. It's the ultimate marriage in a way, because we can't get away from ourself. Which means maybe accepting ourselves, even in the bad times. Though I hear loud and clear how you need some pain relief from these feelings.

I've struggled a lot with depression as part of bipolar, as well as intense anxiety, since I was a child. Better days for now, but still operating well below par. I have a companion who once was more of a partner and we still love each other but that kind of intimacy is no longer a part of it, hasn't been for years. I've had to get used to a kind of relationship that wasn't what I kind of romantically hoped for. And yet we get along so well and it feels emotionally fulfilling to be around him and share a flat with him still after 15 years.

I've never had children though and I don't know if you have. That may make a big difference to how things feel too, I imagine.

Is your GP prescribing any medications to help you with these troubled feelings? I wonder if it could help to have a counsellor just for you (if you don't already have one).

Feel free to take or leave my suggestions of course. Just trying to see if there's anything we can think of together to help with what you are going through.

[Bluetoo]

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@Mazarita wrote:

Hi @Bluetoo, so sorry you are having to go through this in such a long marriage. I haven't had the experience of a partner cheating on me, except emotionally when our marriage was going very sour due to my mental illness for the most part, I think. Emotionally I was kind of replaced with another woman, who after many years ended up married to him, but it didn't last for long. We were together about nine years all up so, even there, I don't have the experience of such a long marriage. But I did feel so very jealous of that other woman and angry at him (though I was already angry at him, just from being an angry person at that time).

I can only imagine how painful it would be to have trusted your husband all this time and to feel let down in a big way after so many years together. 

Perhaps time may help with this. Perhaps it may get better the more time shows you that he can be trusted again.

In so many ways I don't feel qualified to answer your post. But, since I am often around at night, I thought I'd respond and just say hi too.

Kind wishes,

Maz

---

I’m sorry you were not appreciated by your partner. That is a betrayal as well. I know it hurts. 

Its so confusing for my situation. I know he loves me like crazy. I understand a little better now why he did it. He was abused by his father and his mother was emotionally unavailable. He learned early on how to compartmentalize but wasn’t aware of himself doing this in our marriage. Now he’s aware and he’s working on not doing that anymore. 

He cheated with hookers. 8 times in 9 months. I’m not jealous of those women. It just makes me sick. I’m not a prude by the way. But for him to jeapiedize my health that way disgusts me.  Our sex life has always been amazing.  (Which makes his cheating even harder to accept) He’d be with one of those girls and come home to me and have sex too. Him lying to me is the hardest part of it all. That and the fact I never had a clue. I feel so stupid. 

But he’s always been supportive through my mental illnesses and everything else we’ve gone through. And that’s part of the reason I’m staying. I feel he deserves another chance. But by giving him another chance it feels like I’m keeping myself stuck in this betrayed and heartbreak mode. Why can’t I reason myself out of this depression?  

Since all this, I’ve learned a lot about myself too, so it hasn’t been all bad. I just feel so stuck. All of what I’ve written here just keeps swimming around and around in my head. I’ve never wanted to be dead so much before. I don’t want to hurt him though. Who knows. It might not hurt him at all, the way he can compartmentalize. Out of sight out of mind. You know what I mean? It really sucks. 

[Bluetoo]

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@Mazarita wrote:

I think having to live with ourselves is one of the biggest challenges, @Bluetoo. It's the ultimate marriage in a way, because we can't get away from ourself. Which means maybe accepting ourselves, even in the bad times. Though I hear loud and clear how you need some pain relief from these feelings.

I've struggled a lot with depression as part of bipolar, as well as intense anxiety, since I was a child. Better days for now, but still operating well below par. I have a companion who once was more of a partner and we still love each other but that kind of intimacy is no longer a part of it, hasn't been for years. I've had to get used to a kind of relationship that wasn't what I kind of romantically hoped for. And yet we get along so well and it feels emotionally fulfilling to be around him and share a flat with him still after 15 years.

I've never had children though and I don't know if you have. That may make a big difference to how things feel too, I imagine.

Is your GP prescribing any medications to help you with these troubled feelings? I wonder if it could help to have a counsellor just for you (if you don't already have one).

Feel free to take or leave my suggestions of course. Just trying to see if there's anything we can think of together to help with what you are going through.

Im sorry you are dealing with a lack of sex. That’s got to be difficult too. Libido is good for more than just sex. It’s a great escape sometimes. And it’s a mood enhancer too. As we’ve gotten older we both have been needing a little help in that department. But it may come a time we’ll have to put away those needs. Sometimes I think sex is too important to me and him. 

While I want sex as much as I ever did, it feels totally different. Mixed emotions all through it. I know I’m extreme in feeling this way but it almost feels like rape even though I want it. I guess because I don’t want other women involved and I almost feel violated. Does that make sense?

I never could have children. I regret that a lot. It makes me very sad. The older I get the more lonely I’m feeling. I’ve alwaya loved children. 

I tried medication years ago and I seem to almost have an allergic reaction to those prescriptions. So I’m scared to try any others. 

I am in the process of finding a therapist just for me. I am starting to think I have BPD like my father did. I think I’ve always been this way but since the cheating it’s been really loud, so to speak. I want to learn how to regulate my feelings and emotions. Hopefully I’ll find someone soon. 

Thank you again for your replies. It’s nice to relate on these subjects with you. 

[JoeTheLion]

Hi @Bluetoo,

Welcome to the Forum and thanks for sharing your story. 

Sorry to read about your struggles. It sounds like it's been an incredibly rough time recently. It is perfectly normal to feel the way that you are and to find it excruciatingly difficult to deal with the feelings of betrayal and not being able to fully trust.

It's wonderful that you have had couples counselling. I hope you are also getting some counselling just for you and what you are experiencing. If not, Relationships Australia have some excellent therapists that help people in your situation deal with the trust and relationship grief issues you are facing.

https://www.relationships.org.au/

All the best

Joe The Lion

[Mazarita]

I'm sure it would be devastating for him if you weren't there, @Bluetoo. It is full on though, all that infedility. Hard to take. I too have a lot of gratitude towards my companion (C) for the way he has cared for me for all these years (in an unofficial capacity) with my mental and sometimes physical illnesses. He cares for me still and stuck with me even when I got nasty for a while there, going a crazy with things. Sacrificing my sexuality hasn't been easy because I was once a very sexual person. But I am so grateful to him for his kindness, and he and I are such good friends, that's why I stay. I doubt I'd ever have a better friend to share a flat with. Never have before.

Reason seems like a good and useful thing in battling depression, but sometimes it turns on us and we are thinking obsessively about things. When focussing on what's immediately real and good in life (for me, bird song, the sky, the sun and more), may be the best way forward. Again, ignore this if it's not helpful.

Feeling for you though...

[Bluetoo]

Thank you Joe. I live in the United States. If it were online too it could be helpful. Seems like all the good programs are in other countries. I appreciate this forum. It’s very informative and helpful.

[Bluetoo]

@Mazarita I can see why you’d stay. When you get along so well that is worth almost anything. And yes, I’ve not always been easy to live with either. I’ve often thought, why does he stay with me. But he says I’m always lovable even when I’m at my worse. Ugh See! It’s so confusing.