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Something’s not right

anthariamac
Casual Contributor

Feeling like an emotional punching-bag and not sure what to do

So this is pretty complex. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and which I found out about almost a year ago now. I've been with my boyfriend for maybe 10 months of that, so he's really been around since I started learning all about this illness and made some major changes in my life. My previous relationship died during a long dissociative episode, but had been characterised for several months by what I feel now is emotional abuse of my partner - as I didn't know I was ill, I blamed him for everything I was feeling and treated him in a way I am now deeply ashamed of. He would often ask "Why aren't you this way with other people? Why is it just me?" And I wouldn't have an answer, of course. I didn't know I was wrong.

Fast forward to now. My current partner was in the midst of an episode of depression when we met, but with some nudging he sought therapy and has emerged from that fairly happy and healthy. He has trouble with anxiety and feelings of worthlessness, but the full-blown depression has not returned.


For perhaps the last six months, these feelings seem to have been worsening despite undergoing CBT. He's been given a chart listing "distorted automatic thoughts", and although he's been able to reclaim his motivation and zest for life, he's been unable to shift these destructive thinking patterns. A seemingly innocuous comment from me will often (through a distorted interpretation) lead to disproportionate anger and resentment, hyperbole, defensive behaviours, all kinds of hurtful statements, swearing, refusing to talk to me, and often the imminent threat of break up. 

 

This is complicated so much by my BPD: knowing what I have but not always when I'm doing the wrong thing leaves me dizzy and confused, unsure if it's his problem or mine at times. Often the idea of breaking up comes from me unable to emotionally deal with how much he seems to resent me (as though I'm a burden he can't get rid of), and he will simply not disagree that one of us should leave.

Why are we still together? It's the most rewarding relationship I've ever been in. He can feel emotions on the same level as I can, so when we share happiness and excitement and love, I feel connected in a way I can't to most people. I'm aware that it's this high that brings the danger of the collision of our intense lows, but I'm willing to work through them.

The question is, what should I do? He's stopped therapy: He ran out of sessions covered by medicare, I'm on a pension and we can't afford to pay for more on an ongoing basis (though if I knew it would help, we would make it work). However, we can't seem to get past this roadblock of his inability to recognise the thoughts he's having as distorted. I can count the number of times he was honestly able to catch himself and say "no, that's distorted" on one hand - the rest of the time, things get various levels of nasty before we can break through and help him see how he's skewed events in his head and reacted disproportionately. I honestly see so much of myself last year in him. I wonder why it is that I was diagnosed with something with a name, when he's going through almost EXACTLY the same things, which are to me, very different from anxiety and depression. I don't want to lump him into a box, but could there be something else going on here? Is there a reason the CBT might not be taking, and what can I do?

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Feeling like an emotional punching-bag and not sure what to do

Hi @anthariamac 

Thanks for sharing your story. Going through the ups and downs of one another's illness can be very challenging for a relationship, but as you say, I think it can also allow for an intense and special kind of connection. 

Trying to help someone you love who has little insight into their illness is always going to be hard, but it must be particularly difficult when you're simultaneously managing your BPD. The Forums are a fantastic place to exchange stories and ideas with others who've been through, or are going through, a similar experience. I know @9350 is also going through a bit of a difficult time with his partner. You might also like to check out this post

Another thing I'd like to mention is that it can be so tempting to make our own diagnoses of our loved ones, but this is really something that should be left to a trained mental health professional. That's not to say your partner shouldn't seek out a new psychologist or treatment plan if the CBT isn't working out. You could also look into what's available in the way of community health centres in your area. That's often a good place to access free or low cost mental health services. You might also want to consider relationship counselling. I believe Relationships Australia have a free service.

I hope you're keeping up with your own self-care. @Alessandra1992 and @kristin have shared many words of wisdom around taking care of yourself.

Wishing you and your partner all the best in getting through this rough patch. I look forward to hearing how things go.

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Feeling like an emotional punching-bag and not sure what to do

It can be really tricky when partners are trying to learn new skills, as with all things, learning and practising takes time, and lots of patience..
I think it is amazing that you are both seeing there are difficulties in way you relate to each other, and the fact you are both able to see it gives me great hope that over time, you will both learn how to navigate those occasions when he over reacts..maybe one thing you might consider is taking off the threat of a relationship breakup. By this I mean perhaps have a discussion around emotional blackmail being spectacularly unhelpful in keeping people together..in the end if threats of ending the relationship become the default setting then you or he will one day just walk away..
Would he consider going to a peer support group? Depending on where you live he might find a low cost or no cost group like Grow, Anxiety groups through Anxiety Disorders Association or another type..there are also carers groups you can go to, they might be really helpful for you to share and listen to others on a similar path..

Re: Feeling like an emotional punching-bag and not sure what to do

Relationship Australia may also be helpful, they offer many different free counselling support services.
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