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CA1
Casual Contributor

Grief & Loss of Confidence

Hi,

I'm new to this forum, in fact I've never posted anything on a forum in my life before.  I'm wondering if anyone has experienced something similar to me and what I can do about it.  I'll try to keep the background brief...

I think things began to deteriorate when my Dad was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer a few years ago just before Christmas.  He had treatment for about a year and a half in which time I supported my parents (we are a very close family).  He passed away a little over a year ago.  About 3 months prior my employer at the time basically told me I needed to lift my act - I was making errors a professional at my level shouldn't be making.  I received another conversation about this about 6 months after Dad passed away.  I went to the Doctor who said that difficulty with analytical decision making was completely normal given the death of a parent, planning a wedding and looking for a house.  He also said I had mild depression.  I knew my employer would not make concessions for me so I resigned and haven't worked since.

Initially my fiance was very supportive and said this gave me the time to fully focus on building my own small business.  At this point, however, he thinks it's been long enough and he can't understand why I'm not working or not building the business.  The reason is in part confidence (which was significantly reduced by the time I resigned) and in part because I can't seem to find motivation - for anything - eating, exercising, even sometimes showering.

I know I'm drinking too much.  I now find I can't sign anything without getting the shakes - I have no idea what that's about!  I've seen a councellor who talked a lot about mindfulness - it didn't help.  I want my confidence and motivation back, I want to grieve but I don't know how and I want to grow my business but on days like today I just want to have a good cry and find a TV series I can watch to take my mind off everything.

I'd really like to hear from anyone who has been through anything like is and/or anyone who can point me in the right direction to get back to where I was.

Thanks!

12 REPLIES 12

Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

Hi CA 1. Each person grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong way, it's a personal thing. It can take as long or as short as you feel. Some people drink to excess, some people lash out, get into arguments etc. Some people get angry over the loss i.e the person who died. How do you feel about the loss of your dad? Are you angry, sad, betrayed (how dare he die). Are you feeling guilty because you think you're supposed to feel/act a certain way. Every emotion you're experiencing is YOURS. Perhaps a grief counsellor might be an idea for some guidance on getting in touch with how you're feeling. I would go so far as to say, you're also feeling pretty raw. The pain is something you've never experienced before and not knowing how to deal with it is also part of grief. I would suggest you see your Dr about some grief counselling, also short term AD's to help with the hurt you're experiencing. Grief counselling is totally different to mindfulness. Let go of those emotions, cry out the pain, hurt, anger you feel. This may sound strange, talk to your dad, he's there in you. He was your dad, you are/were his child, tell him you love and miss him. Write to him, share your innermost thoughts and feelings. If you feel like apologizing because you feel as though you've let him down by being unable to function now, do so. This is personal between you and him, no-one not even your fiancé needs to know unless you tell him.

Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

Hi Pip, thanks for responding.

As to Dad, I feel sad.  He was healthy, virile, strong and should have lived to a ripe old age like my Grandad.  I'm devasted that he won't be able to walk me down the isle.  I'm sad that my wedding day will be tainted with that sadness.  I lost my Nan at 11 and since then, my aunt, great aunt, great uncle, another great aunt, great grandmother, Grandad and Grandma. You are right though, I have never experienced anything like losing Dad.  My family has a history of issues with addiction so I'm adverse to trying AD's.  Although rationally I know the doctor is right - my lack of ability to work to the level I'm used to is a result of everything on my plate a once for an extended period of time, I still feel like I should be better now, able to work, get through the grief.  I've had a fair deal of experience with depression and I know the signs - the lack of motivation to do anything let alone work is a concern and I have no idea what to do about it.  While my fiance was supporting me I was at least trying.  Now I have moments where not only do I not want to try but I consider the fact that I think he might leave me if I can't fix myself and I might just let that happen because it's all too hard.  I'm not myself.  

Thank you for your comments, you must be on the right track as your words have brought tears to my eyes.

Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

Hi @CA1. What a tough few years you have been through. No wonder your brain can't function and the same speed as before. Since I've been sick, my memory and cognitive function have dropped dramatically. It's your brains way of saying it's overloaded. Same as if you overworked a muscle in your leg. So now your brain needs a rest and then retraining it slowly over time.
Sounds like a grief counselor might be the best therapist for you. Your gp will be able to refer you to one.
As for trying to start up a new business. I don't think its possible at the moment. Imagine trying to run a marathon when your legs are broken. The same applies to your brain. It's too tired and broken and bruised to function. But this is just til you get better.
I find mindfulness and relaxation exercises helpful for me. But it takes practice and time. Having a walk also helps. I try to listen to birds and wind when walking. I try not to think about my problems.
You seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Just take one thing at a time. Feeling better first. Employment second

Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

Hi Utopia. Thank you.  You've also brought me to tears because I know what you are saying is true.  I really appreciate you sharing and knowing someone else has experienced something similar.  I would love to have time to heal in whatever shape it takes but I need to earn an income.  The counsellor I was seeing was supposed to have specialised in grief but she didn't help me move through it.  I already have an established business albeit small, but the depression and the pressure from my fiance are making it very difficult to entertain the notion of approaching other professionals for more business.  I totally agree with you about walking (or any form of exercise) but my motivation is so low and I just don't know what to do to improve it.  I know I've only tried one counsellor but I've had lots of friends and family who've been to them and not obtained any benefit, plus I don't have the funds for it, even with the free 10 sessions a year.  I understand what you say, but I feel like I've focused on me since I resigned which is almost 9 months now and I don't think my fiance is going to put up with this much longer.  Surely there is some way to help myself rather than just drift. I wish I didn't feel so helpless - this is not the person I was before.

Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

Hi CA 1. I must apologize, I never meant to hurt you. Losing your dad is a totally different feeling to losing other relations. The depression you're experiencing is part and parcel of the grief you're experiencing. Lack of motivation could be brought about by the feeling that dad is not there to encourage and support you. I would like to suggest that your dad IS there. Not in body, no, but he's in your heart. You possess his drive, his motivation. The things you cherished most about him, you have inherited. You will get the motivation back, but you need to 'talk' to your dad. Talk in your heart, in your mind, where the memories are strongest. While he may not be there in person on your wedding day, you will have him in your heart. He will always be part of you, the same as you will always be part of him. Walk down the aisle proudly. Feel his pride as you walk to meet your hubby. Cry for your dad, often, this is important for you to heal. While you will never forget him, hopefully any children you may have will also carry him in them.

Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

Thanks Pip.  You didn't hurt me.  Your words just were so poignant they made me cry as they have again.  Thank you for understanding.  I completely agree with you.  I just wish I could move through this.  I cry when I've had a few drinks but can't seem to feel/process the sadness when I'm sober.  This doesn't seem normal to me.  

Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

@CA1. I'm sorry my post wasn't more positive for you. I'm sure you have heard people say, "just get on with it", "just do it, it's easy". But it's not easy for you at the moment.
What sort of things do you think will help you? Do you need a temporary hand with your business? Do you think medication may help? What about a friend to push you a little to get back into fitness?
It sounds like your fiance was supportive initially. Maybe it's time to speak with your gp again. It would be good if your fiance could go with you.
Unfortunately drinking just increases depression. It made my depression worse. Made my memory and cognitive ability decrease. Made me stop feeling -which meant I couldn't feel happy.
I drank because I didn't want to think or feel what was happening. It just made it so much worse.
I've had no alcohol now for 9 weeks. I've noticed a big improvement in all areas of life.
I'm not suggesting that you stop drinking. But maybe think about reducing your intake. And talk to your gp. They are there to help

Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

Yes I feel the same way but I don't understand what's happening to me. My dad died 8 yes ago and we had a premature baby who is now a beautiful 7 year old. But I still think back to my life before all this and it seemed better.

Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

@tlg. It sounds like maybe you didn't go through ths grieving process for your dad or for your premmie baby. A premmie baby must have been a frightening experience. Doctors nurses medical lingo machines tubes. Did you ever grief for the stress you went through.
It's never too late to talk to someone professionally
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