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Here I am

Hi @greenpea @Zoe7 @eth @Former-Member and others I can't recall 


I am here


I have been wanting to post here for weeks since first introducing myself. I'm sorry that I haven't. 


I haven't  been able to sleep tonight since about 1:30am. After trying many things to try and relax and go back to sleep i have given in and accepted that I may not get back to sleep tonight. 


Im reaching out here because i wanted to get back in touch with this forum and I also wanted an outlet to get out of my head. 


Over the last few weeks I have had a lot of time on my hands. I haven't worked since october 2019. I have slowly been recovering from a trauma incident that happened at work. I'm happy to say that i am making some progress. Things aren't as horrible or hopeless as they were. My cognition is improving more focus conecentration and memory. I have been able to journal and look to the future. This week i started to work on formulating some goals - something that i have found  impossible since my major depressive episode more than 2 years ago. This is such a relief.. its hope. My goals are not grand or overly ambitious at this stage... although they do seem challenging to me at my current level of functioning. They include a plan reduce the amount of takeaway food im eating and increase home cooked food. To gain employment. To live in a safe and stable home environment that i feel settled in. To engage in fun and creative pursuits of my choosing like sport and seeing live music dancing and theatre. To continue learning and developing my skills for work and for life. I know these are broad and i have made them a lot more specific and also started to break them down into the more bite sized achievable steps... 

To be able to get to the stage of making goals i had to start believing in a future for myself. This has been hard to do since my separation and diagnosis of biploar2. 

It also required making a lot of decisions. (Not my strength... ) but now that i have made a few big ones: deciding not to make a formal police statement reguarding the assault. Not to do my usual escape to another city or life when this one gets hard.. (was planning on fairly aimlessly driving around australia). To make a written statement of the assault with a lawyer to provide to thw workplace investigators. To stay living in th same suburb.. Anyway many big decisions. 


One proactive step i have made is joining a mental health group exercise and wellbeing program.  Where i will be supported to attend an educational fitness class once a week for 4 weeks. Then hopefully progress onto their 3 day a week for 8 weeks program. Its the first time i have actively looked to be a part of something like this and really believed that i deserved to access this kind of support. (Usually i have the story about - why cant i just exercise or do things at my own free will like everyone else - im not special or sick enough to deserve help- others need it more- im an OT I should be the one faciltating these groups not participating) .. 


Im really excited and grateful for this opportunity and i hope that i can stick with it. It starts next Monday. 


Since making that step and talking with friends who suggested maybe I could try volunteering as a first step back to paid employment - i have also signed up to be a volunteer at my local ocean baths. There are a lovely bunch of people volunteering there and I think it will help me to begin to feel a sense of community and identity... something I haven't felt for so long. 


I am hyper aware of not taking on too much at once. So only going to do one or 2 shifts a week to start with. My induction is this Sunday.


So also I have been wanting to move out from my current flat share for months.. I only have been here 6 months. I have moved 4 times already in the last 2 years... I'm really hoping for at least 12 months in this next place.  Im moving on Wednesday into a new sharehouse not far from where i live now. I'll be sharing with a couple and one other. I'm nervous about this.. probably why i can't sleep. 

Im worried about everything.. living with a couple.. increased rent... noisy location... lots of normal worries i think..  but there are heaps of positives. And i know i need to let go of needing to know or have control of what its going to be like. One thing that bothers me about myself though is that i didnt hold a boundary for myself and now it has come back to bite me.  it is the couple submitting two rooms. One is $20 per week cheaper than the other. I told them I'd prefer the cheaper room but was open to the more expensive one of need be. Now they have found a 2nd housemate and he can only take the cheaper room so i am only left with the option of the dearer one... it is completely my fault.. so I'm very frustrated with myself for getting into this situation. I dont know wether to just accept it and still move in. Or tell them i fucked up and really was only intersted in the cheaper one - but risk not then being able to move in... and im so tired of looking .. and was so excited when they offered me the room i don't want  to give it up. 


I think I will just communicate that to them... that i fucked up. And I'm having doubts about moving into the expensive room.. which btw is only a tiny bit bigger than thw other room.. like 4x3.6 vs 4x3.0


So there it is my current anxiety. 


So i will end this post with some gratitude. Thank you for reading this .. it looks a lot like a journal entry and for some reason i find it easier to express my thoughts when telling someone about it than journaling on my own.

Im grateful to be still alive and suffering through life as it is a gift to be able to do so. I'm grateful that i have found some courage to reach out today and finally rejoin this forum. I'm grateful for the few hours sleep i had earlier in the night.  And that i don't have to go to work in the morning haha im sort of not grateful for that.. part of me wishes i had work to go to. 


I'm grateful that i was able to book a psychologist appointment only one day in advance and will see her later this morning.. 


Thanks everyone sending you love




Re: Here I am

@Pingu  Hey Pingu great hearing from you Smiley Very Happyxx. All you can do is give the new place a go and see how it all pans out for you. You might really appreciate that tiny bit more room down the track particularly if you are a home body like me Smiley Happy. Good luck with your fitness classes I hope they work well for you and go in the direction which you wish (please keep us posted). Good luck also with your volunteer work (Omg you do have alot on atm Smiley Surprised) I am sure it will all work out well for you though as you are in control over all the situations and not running at them like a bull at a gate. Take good care of yourself and remember to take a breather every now and again Smiley Happyxxx


Re: Here I am

Hi @Pingu , nice to meet you,


I enjoyed reading your mostly positive post; it sounds like you have some really healthy goals and intend to follow through with them - this is fantastic.. actually its inspirational as I need to work on some of my life too and reading your post brightened my day and has inspired me to be more pro -active with my goals of getting fitter etc.


In fact you have identified S.M.A.R.T. goals ie Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time bound. These are the best sort to have as they are realistic and can be achieved step by step. I know the room mix up has been a set back but don't let it change your overall course, hang in there and your life will prosper.


I wish you the best on your achieving them Smiley Happy


Re: Here I am

Thank you for your thoughtful responses @greenpea @DesertRat Im happy its prompted positive reflection for you @DesertRat its never too late to make new goals or return ones that you may have lost track of. Yes i love smart goals it's a great framework. 


Yes - I'm feeling much better about the room now and am going with flow in that regard. 


This afternoon my mini goal is to pack up my belongings.. one that will be tricky not to procrastinate over. 


I will let you know how it goes.




Re: Here I am

Hi @DesertRat @greenpea @Appleblossom

And others here


The new house has fallen though 

I feel really upset sad disappointed about what happened.


Yesterday I found out what the total rent was and how it is split between the housemates.being the leaseholders the couple chose to pay the same as what a simhle person would pay sighting many reasons for this... i came to them and said it was unusual for couples not to pay a little extra to account for an extra person using the shared living spaces. After our discussion I told them i would still move in at the agreed split. I had given them quite a detailed explanation as to wbat my thinking was and also an example of what i thought  would be a fairer split. 


While they were intially very grateful to me for bringing this up and being honest. They later changed their mind and said they would feel guilty and uncomfortable knowing that i felt that way. So had chnaged their mind and no longer offered me the room. 


This happenes late last night and i was due to move in today. 

I was so upset i havent sobbed like that for a while. 


I don't know what to say to my current landlord's.... this has been such a rollercoaster. 

Ping x


Re: Here I am

@Pingu  Do you have a place to stay now? 


Re: Here I am

@greenpea I have just spoken to my landlord and they have graciously offeres me to stay on here where im living.. 

I think i will take a break from looking to move out... I'm tired all this. Ans will focus on getting a job before moving. I think that  will attract more suitable sharehouse anyway..


Re: Here I am


You did the right thing with that couple. They were not prepared to budge even though they knew you were right. You are better off elsewhere.  Keep looking after you. Glad the current landlord is flexible.  A roof over one's head is bottom line.

Smiley Happy

Senior Contributor

Re: Here I am

Hey @Pingu Checking in with you and wondering how you are doing? Heart


Re: Here I am

Hi @Zoe7 

I'm ok

There's some really positive things happening. But right now I feel a bit lost and hard to find my way. Hard to believe that the positive things are real and that I'm deserving of them .. 


I have been volunteering and it's been wonderful. Very social and I've met some really lovely people that I respect and admire. I have now been asked to join the executive committee! A long term responsibility... It's hard to believe I've made such a good impression so quickly and feel it will be hard to uphold. 


I went to my first group exercise program this week. The goal of the group is to improve mental health my establishing regular exercise habits.. I got really triggered this afternoon talking about how I felt at the exercise group with the support guy who called to check in. Being the first kind of thing I have done that really is mental health focused.. and the facilitators knowing a lot about me (my diagnoses and some of my experiences)

I felt really exposed and had trouble being vulnerable... and accepting of that.


Even tho the main focus is the exercise.. and it's positive .. like the whole point is that you exercise enough that it has a positive impact on your mental health.


I'm at this point where I'm getting better from recent events and just as a whole since the beginning of what would probably be considered my first major episode.. 

But I still think i need help. To start to understand this new version  of myself. 

It's like now that i am beginning to be quite high functioning and not suicidal that I should be ok and get on with life. 


I know how to try to be rational and try to make good decisions and choices. But I think there's some more that could be better.


I feel like an imposter sometimes.. trying to be a version of me that I don't know very well


It's easier to build bigger walls around myself and my feelings.. that I don't understand  and to perform to the world an inauthentic self that I perceive the world wants me to be


To move forward It's like this bridge to cross or river to follow that's dangerous and falls away and there's no directions to follow to get there or to find it



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