Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[purplemoon]

Hello
I am desperate for help and advice on how to help the man I love. We met last year, and began a beautiful relationship. He is very shy, introverted and 'broken' after having a traumatic childhood and painful relationships most of his life but I loved him from the moment we first met and we talked through our doubts, fell in love and were planning a future together. He admitted that he sometimes feels depressed but has never been diagnosed or had treatment, and there is a history of family depression.

He was going through some very stressful times at work through Nov and Dec and had a couple of very depressive bouts that I was able to sit through with him. He would withdraw the next day embarassed I had seen him so low and emotional but I reassured him that I would always be here for him, that I care very deeply for him and that he can always show or tell me how he is feeling. At the same time I learned to step back and give him some space to ‘regroup’ and when he was up he was great and we communicated constantly. I realised very early on that he is lacking in self esteem and confidence and continually doubted himself but kept telling me how wonderful his life was now that I am sharing it with him and we couldn’t wait to move forward with our life together. I also observed that whenever he is feeling down he puts on a mask to appear as if he is ok, goes to see his teenage child so that he has to stay in that ok mode and this appears to be his coping strategy, but it is not dealing with the illness.

Then just before xmas he was contacted by his ex-partner, a woman who had bullied him for years. I could see his anxiety and fear building up until the night he went to see her and everything fell apart from there. She obviously brought back very distressing memories and he probably hadn’t ever grieved the ending of that relationship 2 years ago and I could see him imploding. At the same time he started to push me away saying he isn’t good enough and I should find someone better. I tried to reassure him that I love him and will do whatever I can to help him deal with things but he just kept withdrawing. I sought counselling advice who told me that he was probably overwhelmed by his feelings for me and afraid to let me love him and the fact that I am the first woman in his life who is not going to hurt him was very confusing. I was advised to give him space to be with family over xmas however he stopped contacting me all together and went steadily downhill to a point where I felt he needed to be hospitalised both for his mental state as well as seriously high blood pressure. He posted concerning things online and when I went to check on him I found him in a very manic state but he refused to talk and took off and has broken all contact with me since. I contacted a family member to let them know my concerns and they are oblivious to his condition which I believe is severe anxiety and depression and told me to leave him alone. He was very distressed by this and I fear that he felt confronted and exposed and yet I am the only one who has seen how bad things are for him and the only one who wants to stick by him and help him get back on the path to health and happiness. I know this is going to be long and rocky road and that we will have tough times ahead but I love him and he is worth it.

I have sent him a few messages over the months to let him know that I care about him and I am here when he is ready to let me in but my counsellor suggested he might be afraid to see me in case I reject him. I am planning to reach out to him soon and just wondering if you can give me some advice on how to reconnect and also if there is a group that I could meet with to learn how to handle these illnesses and how to support the man I love. I don’t want to give up on him.

[AshEasy]

Hi, while I am reading your stories I feel sad that it's difficult to handle a person who has suffering from severe anxiety. Despite his condition, you still loved him and willing to be with him forever. You have a guiniune heart and uncoditional love. He is a luck man to have you! I hope you'll get back together and have a happy family. God Bless you!

[purplemoon]

Hi Ash
Thankyou for your kind words and support.
The last time I saw him was when he was having a meltdown and told me he was not okay, he needed to be alone and can’t be in a relationship right now and then he ran. He cut me off from all communications and it has been several months. In that time I have deliberately stayed away and have only sent a card to let him know I am thinking of him, to congratulate him on finishing his studies and yesterday I reached out with a letter. I didn’t want to cause any anxiety or confusion just showing up at his home and thought very carefully about the contents of my letter, trying to say as simply as I can that I love him, that I want to share the life we were planning before things went downhill, I have stayed away to give him time for himself, and that I will be there for him no matter what. Sadly it seems he is still in a bad way and my words have not reassured him, instead he texted to say he never wants me in his life.

My counsellor suggested that after a lifetime of women hurting him it was hard to let himself believe that I just want to love and accept everything about him and to be able to trust that I would never hurt or let him down. Maybe my strong feelings, understanding and compassion have been too confronting and that after he let his guard down and exposed his suffering to me, he is frightened with the realisation that he really is unwell. I can only hope that this might be a turning point for him to get the help he needs so that he won’t spend the rest of his life suffering and hurting the people that care about him.

Unfortunately things have not worked out as I had hoped and I have no choice but to let him go and try to move on with my life. I am heartbroken but there is nothing more I can do. He may never get well and find his inner happiness again and that is a tragedy for both of us.

[Lunar]

Hello @purplemoon

Thank you for sharing this with us, it is nice to meet you:)

That sounds incredibly hard coping with seeing him struggling so much but also not being able to continue your relationship together as his mental health is unallowing of him to be close to you and let you in.

Perhaps like you said, this is a wake up call for him to get help for these interpersonal problems he is having and find ways of loving himself so he feels that he is deserving of others love. Like your counsellor said, it is probably deeply vulnerable for him to have someone love him & his flaws and shame and possibly too risky so it is best to end it. It does not make sense but that is a strong coping mechanism he has learnt to protect himself, something he is able to work through, but does take time.

I hope that in the future you may be able to reconnect when he feels more worthy, I guess for now that uncertainty is very tough to be sitting in so I am glad you have come to the forums for extra support for this, it is not easy at all.

Thinking of you,

Lunar

[Shaz51]

Hello @purplemoon, @AshEasy 

I have been thinking of you today and how you are going , love to hear from you my friends , we are here for you and remember you are not alone