10-10-2019 02:06 AM
@Eden1919 Hey Eden1919 have been meaning to ask how do you cope with triggers. I find that I might be walking around doing my own thing and then something will trigger me off and it is like I am out of control and do things that I would not do normally. This would be a real problem for me if I went drug free as it could get me into all kinds of trouble. Do you have similar problems? peax
10-10-2019 03:15 AM
@greenpea hmm depends what is being triggered.... if we are speaking schizoaffective stuff then i guess it depends where i am as well. normally i will try and ignore whatever it is which usually means i go very quiet for a while or I will say I am tired and go sit away from everyone and listen to music for a while. music is good for me because even if i hear things through the music i can pretend it was the music but the harder things for me are like when I feel like someone/thing is putting thoughts into my head or when I get scared people are not really people or they are trying to mess with me. in those cases i do a few things 1. try and stop for a second. 2, think about where i am and if it is safe to do x. 3, try and think about it so if i am worried people are out to get me then i will remind myself that if they truly are and it is everyone like i think it is then they will get me anyway and i cant do much about it or it is best that i dont give them any clue that i am onto them. but if i am paranoid usually my biggest concern is not letting them know that i know which just involves more blending in.
if it is for mania stuff though that is a lot harder I struggle with this especially talking non stop sometimes i will like cover my mouth because i cant stop or literally bite my tounge. but i try and make sure i have a lot of breaks and time alone where i can sing and dance around to music as long as i want.
but i guess another thing that is both lucky and not lucky is my OCD kind of puts a major dampener on my psychotic stuff because it is so intense and has to "approve" literally everything thing/step/thought i have that any of those thoughts are kind of screened in a way and while sometimes they will win often the one that draw attention will get postponed until i am alone. and sometimes they will be arguing so like the voices will say something (they can read my mind as well) and then the ocd stuff comes up (this feels like a whole other person in my head) and then they will be making desicions about what i have to do next and i will just be sitting there like actually everyone i am supposed to be studying. so idk i feel like i do act weirdly and do stuff i wouldnt it is often when i am alone because thats when they let me. it is like my body get hijacked as well but that is another story.
sorry that was long and idk if i even answered your question.
10-10-2019 06:03 AM
@Eden1919 Hey Eden1919 thank you for your response it has given me alot of food for thought. I just dont seem to have the wherewithal to be able to control my actions when I am manic. I dont even know that I am manic it is really strange like that. I wish I was more like you being able to have some kind of control although I appreciate how hard it must be. To be honest I just wish I was me again. Love peax
10-10-2019 02:14 PM
@greenpea I dont always know when i am manic at first normally it will be when i see a look on someone face that they think i am being intense and then i will be like "oh crap better stop talking and just talk in my head" but mostly i am just hyper aware of others and then i compare that to myself to know if what i am doing doesnt fit in this group but there are things I cant control as well but if that starts happening i normally leave to go be alone so i can go "crazy" by myself.
I am sorry you dont feel like yourself that is one thing i hated about meds they made me feel not like me and I asked about that before they said i had to start the meds and they SWORE to me that no they would not change who you are, and again like all their other lies it did change me so i am sorry you cant feel like yourself because it is awfully uncomfortable. if you could pick something to get back or to change or to have for yourself what would be the thing you wanted the most? or things you can have more than one. sometimes i want to start a like club where people can go and be themselves and act weird or odd and not have to hide things while being with others (so long as it doesnt hurt anyone) because i often think something like that would be very liberating to not be shamed and corrected for being different.....
10-10-2019 06:20 PM
the last few weeks has been so intense and now my mood has been so up and down it does a complete flip every few hours and then mixed in with that I keep having weird/intense magical types of thoughts and urges to go and run around in the wild and explor all night. i know this could have been made worse by all the stress but idk how to get back to balancing i feel like in my ongoing tug-of-war game there is a certain side winning at the moment and i prefer to be on the line where no side "has me". but then i think maybe it is because of something i did and i keep getting scared then. I am trying to keep it together i really am but it is getting very hard the last few days have been so intense. I feel very shaky.
10-10-2019 07:07 PM
10-10-2019 07:34 PM
It sounds really hard at the moment. I would try and resist the urge to run around all night as I think it will inevitably wear you. Down even more. It might be gratifying at the time, but, physically and emotionally the cost is to high.
All I think you can do is to keep trying like you are. Eat and.sleep.as best you can.
Do you feel shaky physically or is.it more.emotiinal?
I think a lot of it could be stress and the pressure you are feeling under. You are doing well Eden. You are so kind and thoughtful.
11-10-2019 05:41 AM
@Eden1919 There are many things I would like to have back but the most is my freedom. I miss my freedom as I feel so constrained by the medications and the bad side of my mi which makes me have to take the pills. If I could gain some wings and fly away today I would with my kidults in toe I would without a seconds glance back.
11-10-2019 08:26 PM
@BPDSurvivor thank you I am sorry you are having toruble as well.
@Gazza75 thank you I am trying I know it is likely at least partly stress. It is both physical and emotional but i have a lot of trouble explaining this feeling but it is very distracting.
@greenpea yes freedom is something people take for granted and dont realise they have until they have lost it. for me the psych system restrictions on my freedom where unnerving, it was like you could still watch the rest of the world doing things and being free but you could only watch and never really be a part of it. like you are stuck behind a glass screen people can see and hear you and you can see and hear them but there is something blocking you only you are told there isnt and you spend the whole time trying to figure out how to get out of the invisible box. it was also the sheer terror that is still with me to this day that at any moment people could show up at my door and take me to a horrible place and hurt me with no consequneces to them just because they felt like it. because really they only need their word to imprison you there is no checks or balances on the system and there is no one to make sure it is fair and all follows the legal guidelines. no one will believe you and the people making the decisions will cover for each other. anyway the way they take your freedom is unusual and to me sickening because it is done under the guise of "care and help" but is really just a form of social control and punishment for socially unacceptable behaviour. but thats just my opinion/experience. I do hope you can get your freedom back.
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