Lived Experience Forum

[EddiePom]

Hi first time poster.

So on the 7th of October I broke down in front of my friends for the first time. I’ve always been pretty good at hiding it. I’d had a couple of drinks but it seemed I couldn’t really hold back. 

I had to leave and then sat behind a garbage bin for 2 hours crying and screaming that I don’t want to live as I worked home. 

I don’t sleep very well, sweat a lot, just don’t seem to be able to switch off my thoughts and can just hear my heart beating fast. I wake up over 10 times a night. Very emotionless, can sit in the shower crying after work for over half an hour not wanting to move. My hands have been starting to shake for the last 6 months. 

Just seems like I’m in one big nightmare that never seems to improve. I have no money worries, good job. I think I suffer from anxiety pretty bad. Seem to shake a lot when I have to meet with friends and work colleagues. 

I brought a drug thats meant to help with anxiety my friends told me about last year. Only take it twice a week. It was getting made illegal this year so I brought 2kg of it last November that should last me over 10 years. I thought if I could be almost normal for two days a week then that would be something. Could just be a placebo but it does seem to help.  I work away for 4 weeks a time, so very rarely have it. 

I get through the days, don’t seem to have any feelings. Can’t remember the last time I was happy or content. Have thoughts of just sleeping and never waking up. This has been going on since I was a teenager and would probably I had my first thoughts of suicide. 

I’ve never attempted suicide but think about it a lot and different ways i could do it but I can’t put my family through it. My dad committed suicide 10 years ago and I found him. This may have affected me but I think it’s been going on before this. 

I’m not sure if it’s depression or whether it’s just feeling sorry for myself. I’ve never spoken to anyone before. I’m not sure if I have a learning disability, maybe dyslexia. I struggled at school, bullied and was in all the bottom classes. I don’t seem to have a very good memory and struggle to retain information. If I’m out with friends I normally don’t say a word and just sit there unable to contribute to the easiest conversations. 

When the anxiety is bad I mumble a lot and unable to get my words out. This has been going on all my life. People laugh at the way a talk. I got immune to it. 

Maybe it could be some kind of depression? Thanks. 

[TAB]

I think there’s more than depression there @EddiePom best thing is prob go and see a GP as a starting point. They can help sift through it. Thanks for sharing. There are lots of nice people on here if you have a look around. @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Former-Member

[Lilyq]

Going to see a professional would be a good start @EddiePom, I think what you are describing sounds similar to depression. I think if it's that bad I wouldn't wait. 

[EddiePom]

Thanks for your reply and support lilyq. Feel better getting it off my chest posting on this forum. I’m away with work for 4 weeks in a different country, when I get back I will go and see  a gp and see what they say. 

[EddiePom]

Thanks TAB for your message. When I’m back from work in a few weeks I’m going to seek some professional advice.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi and welcome to the forums @EddiePom ..... 🖐

That would be my advice too.