Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

I've been thinking about her a lot lately. Elapsed time has pretty much erased memories on my Mum. She died when I was just 11 and I am 38 now. I managed to scrounge together some photos of her but they just draw a blank. I loved my Mum heaps, despite her issues (she was bipolar and was often depressed and stressed out). 

Just now I was listening to a music streaming app on my phone and Ed Sheeran's Supermarket Flowers came on. That's when the tears started. You see, as I get older, I am growing more and more estranged from my family (not my choice). Dad got remarried to my Mum's sister (my aunt) and well, we never got along so it means I am not allowed to see my Dad except for one hour just before Christmas and again on my birthday. It devastates me, it really does.

Maybe I am living in the past, but I wish things were the same as they used to be. When family gathered round the table nearly every weekend. When my Mum died, they all scattered. I sent them Facebook friend requests, but instead they blocked me. Dad assured me it wasn't my fault but they just don't like me. How bad does that make me feel? My own flesh and blood hates me! Tears come to my eyes when I think about it.

At times like now, I think about not living anymore. Other than my Mrs and a few close friends, none would miss me anyway. I think I am better off with my Mum in the afterlife, where at least I'd be loved.

[NikNik]

Hi @Queenie

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I don't think there's ever a good age for that to happen, but hearing how young you were is heart breaking. 

While things get easier over time, the grief of losing such a significant person can still become overwhelming too. The grief you are going through is really tough, and also very normal.

While things sound complicated with your family, I know how important the other people in your life are - particularly your Mrs. It's not about how many people there are, it's the depth and meaningfulness of those connections that matter. It seems you have people who deeply love you on this side.

Thinking of you tonight. 

If things do escalate tonight, please do reach out to one of the crisis services and don't sit through this alone:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or online chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

[Pepsimax]

@Queenie I didn't lose my Mum but I did lose my best best friend when I was 19 I'm 46 now I know it's not exactly rhe same but I miss her terribly I really do feel for you @Queenie