Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

This week I feel like nothing but sleeping. I have to force myself to do anything, even eat. I still have been doing exercise, but my heart isn't in it and afterwards I sleep for about a few hours. I feel like bursting into tears even though I haven't and I feel really easily agitated these past few days. I hope it passes because right now I hate this funk I've gotten myself into, I feel really lazy. My Mrs have her kids coming at the end of the week for the holidays and I am not sure if I want them to just yet (not that I have a choice in that matter, I don't have a say over things like that because it's not my house). 

Today to make matters worse the gaol warden carer's counsellor is at it again. Now every time I arc up and speak my mind, apparently it is due to my mental illness. I'm so over that! I hardly ever raise concerns and when I do, I speak so meekly because I'm afraid of being thrown out on the street and winding up homeless again (that is my own paranoia due to past trauma from exes). Apparently also, according to the warden, I NEED a support worker (like I am incapable of doing anything for myself for some reason). My idea is this worker NEEDS me to be severely mentally incapacitated in her mind. It doesn't matter to her that I hold a Bachelor's Degree and am working on gaining a second degree in social work. So, I currently don't have any support from mental health professionals (I've finished up with my psychologist for the year and only see my psychiatrist every six months)? I am kind of liking it that way! 

Maybe I am just a grumpy old so and so? Who knows? Maybe I am just lazy? Maybe I am still in a depressive state? Questions, questions!

Apologies for the rant about the warden by the way. This post wasn't intended for that purpose trust me!

[CheerBear]

Hey @Queenie - Wondering if the time of the year might be adding to your want to sleep and your struggle to do much at the moment. I don't know where you are, but here it's so grey and cold and most of the time all I feel like doing is sitting under a blanket by the heater. I thought about how much I really needed to do something active today but it's so hard to find the drive to do so when stepping outside makes me want to go straight back inside. Feeling lazy and winter seem to go hand in hand for a lot of people.

Also, I've been reading a little about the counselling experience you're having. It would drive me bananas. Really. I totally despise how easy real concerns or real issues can be dismissed, overlooked or downplayed because someone who thinks they know best decides they're MI related. If I feel myself in that situation, which has happened way too many times, I either snap (which then almost proves the point they want to make) or shut down totally, internalising everything and driving myself mad (again kind of proving the point someone other than me is trying to make). Your fear of homelessness because of your past experiences would be amplifying it all, as you seem to know. It's a dodgy situation for you and I feel for you.

[Lunar]

Hello @Queenie

I agree with @CheerBear there could be so many things playing into why you feel like sleeping this week, perhaps all these concerns about things may be exhausting to be thinking about and not to mention the grey winter weather and short days definitely impacts on your motivation to get out do anything, I think hibernating is naturally what we are supposed to be during winter to preserve energy, but obviously that does not pay the bills 😞

Maybe see how you are feeling next week as it may just be a week thing, but hope you are keeping warm and getting lots of rest at the moment

[Ant7]

@Queenie I have found this to I normally go out and surf for a few hours or mountain bike but I am struggling to leave the house especially the week or two. I am fine at home but I go to work and I hit a wall and all I can think about is the bad things in my life and none of the good. I think it may be the time of year and the bad weather. I don't know but I know it feels like everything is piling up on me and little things feel like they are so much worse than I know they are

[Phoenix_Rising]

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@Queenie wrote:

Today to make matters worse the gaol warden carer's counsellor is at it again. Now every time I arc up and speak my mind, apparently it is due to my mental illness. I'm so over that! I hardly ever raise concerns and when I do, I speak so meekly because I'm afraid of being thrown out on the street and winding up homeless again (that is my own paranoia due to past trauma from exes). Apparently also, according to the warden, I NEED a support worker (like I am incapable of doing anything for myself for some reason). My idea is this worker NEEDS me to be severely mentally incapacitated in her mind. It doesn't matter to her that I hold a Bachelor's Degree and am working on gaining a second degree in social work. So, I currently don't have any support from mental health professionals (I've finished up with my psychologist for the year and only see my psychiatrist every six months)? I am kind of liking it that way! 

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Hi @Queenie,

It really really sucks that any time you arc up it is viewed as a part of your mental illness. This is so horribly wrong on so many levels and I feel angry on your behalf. I also totally hear how awful it must be to be cast into the "sick" role and told you need a support worker. Again, I feel angry on your behalf.

To me, the idea of putting someone in a situation where any "normal" person would arc up, and then saying that the arcing-up is part of the mental illness is gaslighting and it makes me very cranky.

So...even though there is nothing I can do to fix this situation, I just wanted you to know that I hear you and I know you are perfectly capable of running your own life.