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Something’s not right

Dexica
Casual Contributor

Just venting

I just feel so lost right now, my partner, I s angry at me he is at home when he would normally be at work. He was doing things taking our daughter to an interview then when he came home he went to his computer. So i thought it would be ok from me to entertain myself on FB. when I got there I found a friend who was in need of venting and support so I was there for them to do that. lOl my husband is sitting a couple of feet from me know and he can hear me typing. and he will be assuming im talking to some one again making him more angry. When I finished talking with this other person. i went out side to where he was and he was hiding from me and giving me cold shoulder. He left me there after saying got board with your friends on FB did you? didn't say much else said im going back inside. i found him on the couch playing a game on his Ipad first i waited but it was clear to me I was being told in action now you will have to wait for me. So I tried to talk to him. again the whole whats the point I have changed you haven't you haven't given me a chance speech happened . We have been together for about 28 years. I have had to make changes and accommodate for his behaviour, needs and conditions over and over again. I have been sooo alone in all i have had to do things that normal couples do together. LOL I know we are not a normal couple  but what im trying to say is that I have had to find ways of occupying my time things that bring me company and happiness.I have had to do that on my own for all of those years> Now he like he does when he is manic expect my attention right there right now> he told me like last night we were sitting on the couch together I was stoking his leg he says to me normally the only time I touch him or want him is when I want physical time (sex) is this statement true? no. I told him that I was trying to be with him without invading his space

 Then i told him that if he wanted me closer he could have asked me to come closer. How am I supposed to know what this man wants I cant read his mind but of course he says yes that's right put it all back on me. I am soo tired angry confused. Im really tired of him holding our relationship to ransom based on my performance which i will fail at what seems like 99% of the time. I went back out side and for the first time in a while prayed I said to God because the image of me was inside of me of one screaming from the core in frustraition  anger and pain. Im not putting this here for a pity party. I just feel like this was the right place to put this HE bought a book written by a woman cant think of her name right now who not only has Bipolar herself but is married to someone with it we both agreed it was a good book it talks about the holistic apraoch sharing ways of developing skills to help manage from both sides for the first time since looking at Sane I felt and so did he that we may have common ground some thing to work for giving our relationship new hope not a quick fix. she suggested keeping a journal and answering honestly questions asked to help ourselves and each other. Today he says he is no longer going to bother. while i was outside i felt frozen because i needed to check the bank to see if i had enough money to get ingredients for my daughter who wanted to cook dinner tonight and i felt absolutely paralysed about what to do because i felt that he would assume I was chatting to someone again. just like he might be thinking now because im doing this now. IT makes me angry to feel i feel i have to justify what im doing. Sooooo angry right now so helpless as I watch myself digging a bigger hole for his anger towards me. i hate it.Woman Frustrated Im not asking for anyone to take sides like i said just venting so thankyou for letting me do that here.

 

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Just venting

Hey  @Dexica 

 

You're welcome to come & vent any time. It sounds really tough; like you're walking on eggshells.

It's tough, when all you want is the best for your partner & the relationship.

 

You just missed Topic Tuesday tonight, but if you go to the thread here you might find some interesting tips and support.

 

I hope things start moving back on track

Re: Just venting

Hi @Dexica,

How are things going with your partner? You seemed pretty frustrated when you wrote your post a few days back.

It can be pretty exhausting when you feel like you're the one that always having to compromise. Tough situations in relationships are rarely one person's fault - it takes two people to be in a relationship, just as it take two people to work on a relationship.

I thought I'd point out a few more discussion going on the forums that you might find useful. There's this thread about knowing some of the signs for healthy relationship, and there's also this thread started by @Wooshy who seems to be experiencing some difficulties that are similar to yours. You might contributing to these threads and connecting with the some of the members on these threads helpful.

Relationships Australia also has some resoruces about developing positive relationships that might be useful too.

Anyone else have any suggestions for Dexica? @Jacob101 @Uggbootdiva @GivingMick ?

CB

Re: Just venting

Each of us can find the answers within ourselves, when the mind is clear, and knows what the heart wants.
I, myself am struggling to find the answers from logical reasoning. To solve my family problems and save my marriage. I have stressed many a time to the adults of the family that we need to work together to help each other. But it all fails and falls apart, due to each others own selfishness. We all want different things at different times. Harmony comes, as easy as it goes.
The writing part in a journal sounds like a wholesome approach. Don't stop doing it! Even if he does. At least, you can write down the verbalisations of his attitudes, and work out answers for yourself to find the best approach (answers). For working it out with him.
We all need our own time and space. I hope your man has a realisation that he is not helping yours and his situations. You deserve a pat on the back for your efforts! For doing research, and for coming here to open up.

Re: Just venting

Thankyou GivingMick. well before the journal I would have my cry do the usual why me? what did i do to desrve this? is it me thats the problem? and Im so sick of saying im so sick of this. lol then I would breath all of it being put at Gods feet then I would breath and words and thoughts would come to me. since my last posting. my partner and i have talked again He realising since we both joined Sane and have been reading the book its like reality hit both of us him to the fact that he really has an illness and me to the fact that i married someone with one. what the journal does at this point is help keep things in prospective about whats really going on here. When i went away to another part of the house or my partner would go and shut themselves into our room for the rest of the evening I would cry feeling lost broken deserted I would ask myself why are you crying you should be sooo used to this? I think it was because I didnt know why I should be? if that makes any sense at all lol. Doing all of this what we are doing now has lent a new prospective. we both know the process from here is going to have its ups and downs its two steps forward one step back. The day I vented here. Well after I found him in the bedroom lying on the bed. I looked at him differently because I was here venting. I looked at him as some one i love who was suffering through another stage of the illness. I laid down with him resistance was high but eventually i was able to break through. SO we talked talked it through. Even about what had happened to get us to where we were right there, It helped alot. I feel as though If we can keep doing this, healing will win it will be slow lol, alot of walls have gone up between us over the years as you can understand. I cant get access to the book right now as its on computer and its in my partners account but when i can I will post it so you guys can look it up if you want. Thank you for your care your gentleness it means a lot and for some reason I feel a connection to your writing lol which intern is you. gratefully and with much respect yours. wishing you and your partner well.

Re: Just venting

Hi Dexica,

So glad to read you and your partner have taken a step forward.  Thank you for reminding me to look at my partner as someone I love, I think along the way I have forgotten to do that.  The feelings of aloneness, anger, frustration you talked about are so familiar.   I honour you for your ability to have got this far over so much time.  I have only been with my partner for 4yrs and those feelings you mentioned are intense and I felt the relationship was at breaking point. 

One of the things that has helped me with my partner at this point is that we have agreed together time and we focus totally on each other and really listen, then we have agreed alone time to do the things that please us on an individual basis.  If he gets upset about not having my attention during me time I gently remind him that this my time to do what pleases me.  One of the things our counsellor has also suggested is consquences.  If he interrupts my "me" time and demands attention or has a hissy fit, which was a regular thing, then he doesn't get "together" time that day.  It is not to be done in an angry way which of course is how I use to react, it is just a simple statement.  "I am sorry, as I didn't get to relax, chill, etc,  I won't be spending quality time with you".   He is learning that if he gives me what I need then I can give him what he needs.   I am not saying this is an easy thing to do as the first few times there was some major hissy fits and it was hard for me to stay calm and not cycle into "why, can't I do things I enjoy just because he doesn't like it, while it is ok for him to enjoy his things"   but it is slowly working as when we have "us" time, I can focus totally on him and he enjoys this.

Hugs

Meg

Re: Just venting

Have you tried family counselling or mediation? Some times having another person there who isnt emotionally involved to help work on those really stubborn issues is the best thing. It doent work for every one- but new things are worth trying some times 🙂

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