@Eden1919Random reply I wrote in my notes: it's disjounted and boring I warn you.
I've always struggled with diagnosis. Between Schizoaffective and BPD.
For a while the main diagnosis was bpd and I've never agreed with it. I changed psychs a few years ago who changed it to schizoaffectivevand that made way more sense to me.
For me I feel the only reason im diagnosed with BPD is the fact I self harm and have suicidal tendencies. I do have altered emotional states, but I also suffer psychotic symptoms and sever mood fluctuations, which led to the Schizoaffective diagnosis.
In this original post I was wondering if I just made up the psychotic stuff to get doctors and professionals to likr me and as an excuse to continue to self harm. Like I was making up psychosis to appear more sick, or as a justification to further destroy myself.
But I guess I'm also wondering now if BPD is just a lazy diagnosis because I'm in the too hard basket due to sever suicide thoughts and intent.
Voices told me to attempt suicide, so therefore maybe I still psychotic rather than BPD??? Idk
On another note:
I have never associated my psychosis with distress though eventually it causes distress and I self harm. My voices and delusions don't corelate to significant emotional distress or triggers or abandonment. But when I am more stressed I do have more psychotic symptoms but so does everyone huh.
I also don't suffer from most BPD symptoms like abandonment or rejection issues, identify issues, anger (though occasionally I do associated with T more than anything though), relationship instability.
Most of my bpd stuff I associate with my PTSD, mood issues or psychotic stuff. But I do wonder if I just make that stuff up to get the attention of physicians so they'll love me and just want to treat me because I have to be sick enough to justify my self harm.
I wonder if I do actually have the other bpd traits but pretend I don't though. And I wonder if I fabricated the years of believing aliens were trying to k*ll me as a justification of my self destruction. Or that I don't hear voices but want to think I do because thinking I want to die or sh should be external rather than internal coz I don't want my thoughts. But they say other stuff so idk.
Anyway I was just venting here, it probably won't make sense. I'm kinda so confused rn. I'm sorry.
do whatever you feel will be helpful for you cause thats what the forums are for. 
