Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Bon]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 tumultuous years. When we first met he was suicidal and has been on a concoction of antidepressants for 10 years. For the first 2 years we had many breakups because he didn't believe he deserved love and would say damaging things to try and make me give up on him. I persevered with our relationship as I love him and I'm quite positive and could see the small changes. 

The last 12 months he has been amazing, we have travelled and been generally really happy and in love. And I have been so proud of the positive attitude he has had and his managment of his depression. The last few months has seen things turn badly.  I got a new job which has made me busy all the time and stressed. We then found out his parents had split up in February (they told him in October) and they have lied continuously about their relationship during this time and his dad is actually engaged to a new woman. My boyfriend said "it is what it is" with no signs of emotion. I have hassled as I knew this would affect him deeply. He also has mortgage issues with an apartment he owns which is quite financially concerning. 

His mood dropped dramatically and his obsessive and fixated tendencies and negative look at the world started creeping back. I have been really anxious waiting for things to break.

and then somehow I made them break-  I went out and drank excessively at my work Christmas party and came home and blacked out and said all these awful things to him. None of which are how I feel or think at all. I don't remember them... And am dreadfully ashamed. I've never been a nasty person, especially to my boyfriend. Apparently this had happened a couple of times before but not as extreme and my boyfriend said he thinks I've been collating his self esteem issues to use against him because he had an ex who has done that before. He has since broken up with me and ceased contact. 

Im completely devastated. I love him so much and think that part of his anger is really what he has been repressing about his parents. 

Ive supported him So much in the past. And I'm also really disappointed he can't stand by me. I've never had a drinking issue in the past which also confuses me.

We have broken up allot in the past, generally when his life is out of control amd he can't deal with his emotions...

he won't speak to me. So I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I really want him back and for him to understand I'm not that person and I will never drink like that again. And I know he loves me. But he chooses the most miserable path.

i have emailed him and told him how I feel but it was to no avail. 😔

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Bon,

Seems like you're stuck with not many options about what you can do for your relationship right now. I can hear that you feel really guilty about what's happened, and you'd like to make it better but it's not possible at the moment while your bf is not communicative.

Focus on yours, and what you can do for youself at the moment. The reason why I suggest this is because if you focus on trying to make things right with your bf when he's not open to it, you may end of feeling helpless. It's great that you've on here to get things of your chest. But what else can you do for you? 

People respond to stressful situations in different ways. Some may withdrawal, some get angry, others take it out on others, or blame themselves, while others like to talk about things. It might be helpful to consider how bf's coping strategies may differ to your own. Perhaps he takes time out to process things, or perhaps he avoids things.  For some couples, during times of conflict, one partner will withdraw while the other wants to talk things through. This can create further tension as one person feels like they need space, and other feels unheard. Not that I am saying that this you and your partner but what I'm trying to get is that it might be helpful to consider:  how do you both with stress?  Is there a difference? Is that playing out here?

CherryBomb

[Bon]

Thanks for your response cherry bomb.
The way we communicate is very different, as it is generally a struggle to get him to open up, until it bursts out in anger much too late.
I know I need to focus on myself. I tend to put too much energy into him in general. I identify myself too often as a carer rather than an equal in relationships. I grew up with a very sick mum and think it's a learned behaviour that I repeat with friends and partners.
It's just so hard when the person you love is in complete turmoil and won't accept help. And I'm partly responsible for that.

[lola]

Hi @Bon,

Just checking in to see how you're doing?

Great to see that you have such insight into your learnt behaviour.

Yes, it can be hard hwen you're aware of his turmoil and feel partly responsble ---remember it is only 'partly' and you cannot take it all on yourself. You've done all that you can to address your part and it is now upto him. It will be challenging for you but you must allow him to process this at his own pace as we can't control how others react or respond.

Most importantly take care of yourself.

regards

lola

[Bon]

Thanks Lola, I feel much more level headed about it.<br>Because it has been such a long time since his depression took hold of our lives I think I lost sight of what was actually happening. Now I can see the patterns and know I need to step back and do what is best for me. He will make contact at some point... And I'm fairly sure he isn't a danger to himself. <br>He is currently consumed by anger and has lashed out at me through messages and then cut contact again. <br>A friend thinks he is emotionally abusive and I am very defensive of this... I don't think he is... But his anger and deliberate actions to hurt me are horrible. <br><br>I also don't know about being back together. He always cuts me from his life when things are difficult and it's very traumatic thing to deal with. We had been talking about marriage and children but I worry that in the future he could just walk out over and over. which I cannot handle and is not fair in children. <br><br>When things are going really well for so long, it's so easy to forget how hard they can be and be completely unprepared for a downfall. <br><br>I so desperately want a life together.