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Something’s not right

Ashleigh
Contributor

My Mum has abdonded our relationship. I am really struggling.

hi All.

firstly i just wanted to say thank you for warmly welcoming me into this group. I have already found it so helpful reading others experiences with their family and friends and their challenges with caring for someone with mental health.

Here is some background my situation/story. My Mum has always experienced highs and lows in her moods. I remember when I was younger some times she could spend days in bed and not get out, and other times she was so happy and cheerful it felt like everything was okay. I suspect she could have a personality disorder but can't be 100% sure. I can confidently say at the least she has experienced depression throughout my life.

Things came to ahead 10 years ago when I was 15 and my mum was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease. This significantly changed our lives because she become so unwell over time she lost her job, relationships broke down, and general living become very hard. I tried my hardest to be there for her, support her and care for her when she couldn't do it herself. During this time I was studying full time at school then university and working a number of jobs at once to get myself by.

She eventually tried to take her life. I was the one who found her and took care of her. I did everything i could to be there for her, but it was never good enough. She continued to have difficulties with her mental health and started to think of harming herself again. New to this experience, being so young and with not a lot of support around me I thought of having her scheduled to protect us both from harm. In hindsight I know I should have included my mother in this conversation however she was unstable and I was terrified of loosing her.

Our relationship continued to come tumbling down, I was exhausted, scared of her mood swings, walking on egg shells, feaful of her so I tried my best to be there for her and look after myself. My mental health declined dramatically. I was depressed and anxious all the time.

My mum found out I was at one point (by now 2 years later) I was planning to have her scheduled. It was the straw that broke the camel's back on our already fragile relationship and she pulled the cord on me. She has not cut me completely out of her life despite my efforts to try and keep a relationship going between us.

I often feel lost, lonely, confused, sad,angry and rejected. Has anyone else experienced abandonment from a family member and how did you cope?

 

11 REPLIES 11

Re: My Mum has abdonded our relationship. I am really struggling.

Hi @Ashleigh - I'm so sorry this happened, it sounded like you couldn't do anything right and you really struggled alone being a carer. 

Its amazing you managed to keep her from being scheduled at all, and it appears to me that whatever she is going through, she couldn't back out from the intense emotional reaction and punishment she gave you. 

How long has it been since you talked to your mum? I am definitely sure that a lot of people here have felt abandoned by a dear relative or friend, and it has been devastating. I'm so happy you've found the forums helpful so far, and that more of our members might share their stories, or link you to discussions about that. 

Re: My Mum has abdonded our relationship. I am really struggling.

@Scout thank you for getting back to, it was nice to feel not judged in what I was saying. That is another feeling I experience quite abit because some people expect you to maintain a relationship wtih your mum for the simple fact that is she is your mother.

It has been about 6 months since I have spoken to my mum. I left the lines open for communication however she still hasnt reached out. My Mum cut communication with 4 out of my 5 siblings but she is slowly reaching out to them, yet I am still in the dark. It is borderline torterous. I often feel it isn't fair that I am in this position and I often question "what have I done wrong?".

It feels nice to not be alone and to have people who understand and respect the journey.  

Re: My Mum has abdonded our relationship. I am really struggling.

Hi @Ashleigh

I agree with Scout - what a hard situation for you. I can see how it would feel very unfair and it would be really important for you to take care of yourself as you haven't done anything wrong. Sometimes mental health at its bad times can feel like a personal attack but really the person struggling is lacking control in their behaviours. I am sorry you have gone through this. Have you sought some professional support for yourself around this as well?

It is often hard to reach out for support so it is really great of you to do so here. The community within our forums is extremely empathic and caring and I hope you have been enjoying that. I know there is a lovely thread where you can grab a hot chocolate and just connect for a warming moment with people such as @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope

Keep reaching out - we are all here Smiley Happy

Lauz

 

Re: My Mum has abdonded our relationship. I am really struggling.

Hi @Ashleigh .....

Yes .... my husband has emotionally abandoned me through the onset of an illness that he is not aware is an illness ...... and owing to privacy laws in our state I wasn't able to speak out about it unless I was with him in the appointment. When I finally had the courage to do this, he denied what I was saying, the doctor realised there was a problem but not to the degree it was / is ..... and the act of revealing his hidden dysfunctional behaviours resulted in the emotional abandonment we are existing with now ..... with adult kids caught in the middle of it all and suffering as well.

Re: My Mum has abdonded our relationship. I am really struggling.

Hello @Ashleigh  I'm so sorry this happened for you , sending you knowing hugs

what have I done wrong?".-- you have done nothing wrong , I felt like that being rejected over and over again by my father

How are you today @Ashleigh xx

Re: My Mum has abdonded our relationship. I am really struggling.

@Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Lauz thank you for your kind words, they do a go a long way espesically when you are struggling and feeling very lonely and abandoned, it is nice to not feel so alone.

I have tried counselling in the past and I haven't really found it helpful. I work in the mental health industry and often know what they are going to suggest for treatment, but as time rolls on i find myself struggling more and more with my thoughts and how I view myself and think that both counselling and possible medication may be needed.

I am finding it particularly hard because it is my birthday in two days and I know i am not going to hear from my mum. No happy birthday, no I love you, nothing. it is really painful to know I mean so little to her at this point in time and that the way she feels is more important than how I might be feeling, or that what I going through is not as significant as her challenges.

Re: My Mum has abdonded our relationship. I am really struggling.

Feeling for you @Ashleigh .....

I will tag you from our Hot Chocolate thread ..... chatting a bit socially can be a good source of distraction from our pain .... and all of us are here because we are suffering ..... with no need to justify or explain.  You're amongst kindred spirits here ....

💐💕

Re: My Mum has abdonded our relationship. I am really struggling.

Hi @Ashleigh,

Its really great to hear how self aware you are in terms of treatment. It can be a bit discouraging when you havent enjoyed an experience with a counsellor but sometimes trying again with someone different can be the change needed, it can take some time finding someone you click with but as you mentioned it may well be needed.

Meanwhile @Faith-and-Hope is right - kindred spirits are amoungst you here. The hot chocolate thread is such a treat and a place to just have a social chat. We have also just started working on a new space for crosswords and quizes (I may be due to post some more clues in today actually! lol) which is also nice to just distract our minds for a bit. 

Keep reaching out and sharing here - I am only too sure that we will all be here to wish you a Happy Birthday tomorrow as well (its tomorrow right?) I know @Shaz51 really loves a birthday celebration Smiley Very Happy

Re: My Mum has abdonded our relationship. I am really struggling.

Hi @Ashleigh,

Happy Birthday💐

With your mum,it sounds like she is sensitive and so are you and that "feelings run deep" so perhaps just trying to reestablish your relationship at the place where it was originally will not work.

Instead,have you considered trying to get her trust back by, for example, writing her a letter apologising for the route that you took,for not involving her and consulting with her first,empathising with how she must have felt,explaining what you wish you had if done differently,and how you/your mindset has changed since this "experience"?

This letter and your feelings would need to come from a sincere place,and that would mean examining yourself to see if that is where you are at emotionally/maturity wise.

I think you will need to take the first step,as (objectively speaking) due to the illness,your mum might not have the capacity to regulate her emotions properly.

 

 

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