Lived Experience Forum

[utopia]

I have just discovered that an old friend had been sexually abused when he was younger. He has only hinted at it - & said he doesn't want to talk or think about it.
But I think I knew about it back then. I didn't know what 'it' was. I had no knowledge or understanding of pedophilia then. But I knew something wasn't right.
This may sound selfish and mean (although I don't mean it that way). On this site, I have spoken to others who have suffered from this type of violence - & I would offer a comforting word, an ear to listen, etc.
But wow - this is just so different. This is a friend. This is someone I loved. This is someone I would never want to see hurt or in pain.
I feel guilt for not knowing what was happening. I feel I SHOULD have known. But I know that is not logical. I wish that I had of told an adult - that I thought something was 'odd'. But I didn't.
This old friend from 30 years ago & I, have just found each other in the past few months - via the Internet. So we haven't met in person again yet.
I know the help lines and the services that are available. I think I know the help he needs. But really. He doesn't want to talk about or remember. I am respecting this. But what do I do now? And please don't say - just be there for him.
I feel broken. I feel useless. And I feel guilty because I'm talking about me and how I feel.
I just wish - so many things.
I wish I could take it all away. Stop his pain. But I can't.

[Redraw]

there is really very little you can do, this is the absolute destruction of a human being, it's having everything stripped away from you, there are many other things I could say but most would result in me being told I don't know what I'm talking about or that I am being sexist or something so I guess it's better I shut my mouth.

in saying all that its good and lucky he has someone in you that is there if and or when he can or has to talk many aren't that lucky

[Kurra]

Hi @utopia

I have an inkling of the distress you must be feeling. It's always a much greater shock when we actually know the person who has been treated this way.

How old were you when you thought something was odd?

Big Hugzzz 💕

[Former-Member]

I'm Hi @utopia I just saw this. I guess this is what has bought you down. I had a similar situation but different in that my friend sought help but none of us knew. Last year I suffered terrible guilt and shame. It happened nearly thirty years ago too. I know I wasn't to blame but I felt responsible because I kind of knew but didn't. This person needed to move interstate to deal with it and no one really knew why. I then used to have nightmares at all the times I remembered that she was put in untenable situations and nobody knew. I also would think about all the years she suffered in silence. She was in my thoughts and dreams for about nine months. This year I met her for the first time since I found out what had happened. We hugged for ages and not a word was spoken but so much was conveyed through that hug. I know you will work through this. It wasn't your fault and as you know there is nothing you can do now but deal will your emotions and thoughts. I have faith your psychologist will help you with this. It's because you are such a beatutiful caring soul this has rocked you so much. Take care of you because when he needs you you will be in a good place to help him. 💜😊💐🤗

[utopia]

@Redraw @Kurra @Former-Member. Thank you for listening.
I think I was 16. Thought I knew everything, but really, knew nothing of the world.
We have talked since I posted this. And he is going to visit so we can say what we need to face to face.
Thankfully, I will have a session with my psychologist first - so I can talk about my feelings - and get some of them out of the way first. And I do need to be in a good place before hand.
Thanks again for your responses.
I'm feeling a little more settled.

[Kurra]

I'm taking a stab in the dark here so if I'm way off the mark, no offence is intended. Were you 16 somewhere in the early to mid 1970s?
If so you need to take in to account how society was at that time.
It wasn't exactly the sort of thing anyone talked about so it wouldn't necessarily have been something that you were particularly aware about. There's no point in allowing yourself to feel guilty if this were the case.

What do you reckon? 🎶💕💗💕🎶

[utopia]

@Kurra - I was a teen in the 80's. I thought I knew heaps, but I don't think I'd ever heard of or knew about pedophiles.
I had a big chat with my best friend tonight - who knew both of us at the time. Hard conversation - as I couldn't say anything about my old friends abuse - as that's not mine to disclose. But through lots of tooing and froing and her asking me questions that I could answer - about myself - I think I have worked out a few things. There are 2 questions that I would like my friend to answer. One he may not want to answer - did this abuse happen. And I'm fine if he doesn't wish to answer that. That's his trauma to share when or with who or never. And I don't know if it's my 'right' (wrong word) to ask.
But I do need to ask a question re: why I woke up one morning and he wasn't there. I discovered tonight that waking up to find him gone - greatly affected me. I knew it did at the time, but I wasn't aware that I have still been carrying it all this time. And this question - although I now believe is related to the first question - I believe he will be able to answer. And I discovered tonight that I need this closure.
Sounds selfish - that I need to know if it was something about me (as I've always thought) - or if it was nothing about me, but about what I now suspect was happening to him. Don't know if that makes sense when you don't have the full story. But he was my first love. He was also a friend that I could talk to about anything.
So, yes, I'd like to see him and know that despite all the trauma, he is doing okay and coping. That he is living the best life he can .
I'm glad my best friend was able to help me see what my real needs are.
And I'm glad that this friend is willing enough to visit me - so we can both say what we need to - and can be as open and honest as possible.
I hope that it will be a release for us both. Healing.
Thanks again for letting me share and talk this out with you here. I really appreciate it.
So although there is sadness tonight - there is hope that we can both grow.

[utopia]

@Former-Member. If he allows it, I plan on giving him the biggest hug ever.

[Former-Member]

I hope he does @utopia. It was the most healing hug ever. There is more I want to share about that story but can't suffice to say I think I know some of the emotions you are experiencing with this but for very different reasons. I hope you get the closure on this you need. Sending hugs💜😊🤗

[Kurra]

@utopia

I would be advisable to be very subtle about how you ask tese questions.
My back is still giving me gyp. I'm trying to get to sleep but being in bed is so painful I have to keep on getting up.
I hope you sleep well. 💜💕🎶💕💜