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Leventia
Senior Contributor

Not coping with severe depression

Hello to all the beautiful people who contribute on these forums. I am a male aged 45 who has been battling with depression for several years. I have attempted suicide three times in the past and hospitalised on one occasion. My depression has been manageable with medication until a few months ago when the only close friend I had in my life passed away. I'm just not coping with being single, lonely and dealing with the death of my dear friend. I have a shy personality which makes it virtually impossible to meet females and build friendships. I'm also low on confidence and self esteem and believe I'm not good enough to be considered for a relationship. I have been on my own for my entire life and Don't know how much longer I can last being on my own and lonely. It's the first time I have shared my personal pain and suffering with anyone as I would find it too embarrassing and humiliating discussing it with a psychologist in person. 

94 REPLIES 94

Re: Not coping with severe depression

I knew I would be ignored as it's the story of my life. It seems unless you are a regular here you have zero importance. Good Bye, not sure why I even bothered.

Re: Not coping with severe depression

Hi @Leventia

Welcome to the Sane Forums and it is a bit quiet tonight on some of the chat threads. No one is ignoring you intentionally, it takes a while to find posts sometimes. I'm glad that you found the courage to start a conversation and I'm sure others will jump in over the next week. This is a big step for you.

We moderators try to stay in the background unless someone needs a bit of support. 

I'm sorry to read of the loss of your good friend, it's been such a hard year for you. Many others here will relate to your experiences of depression and suicidality. Take a look around at some of the others convos and I encourage you to jump in and talk with others. 

When you have a few minutes, have a read of the forum guidelines here to get familiar with how we keep this a safe and supportive space for everyone.

Look forward to seeing you around the forum.

warm regards,

Frog

Re: Not coping with severe depression

@Leventia sorry you are struggling.  I'm also experiencing depression and loneliness.  It can be a bit of a catch 22, you're depressed and down on yourself, which makes it hard to go out and make connections, which just makes you even more depressed and self-destructive, down on yourself.  I'm not quite sure what the answer is, cause trying to be cheerful feels like an act and yet you know that being this down turns people off.  The only thing I can think of, is to start with baby steps, towards socializing.  If at this time all you can manage is to talk with people on a forum, well start with that, maybe, in a few weeks or months, build up to a support group, then a social group...basically start with where you are at and build on it.  Wondering if you have family, friends, counsellor that you confide in?

Re: Not coping with severe depression

Hi there,

I am very new here and i joined up so i could reply to your post. I completely understand what you wrote about being alone and lonely. I go out occasionally to be polite but i feel like some sort of puppet that someone else is manipulating. It is so fake. Inside I am wanting to yell at them so they might understand me. It feels like people don't have the time to really listen. I even find this the case with counsellors. It feels like they just want to stamp a card to say you attended so they can move on to morning tea. 

I have had several suicide attempts and i don't think the medical profession realises how failing at even that basic task can make you feel. It has been seven years since my first attempt but, I still think about it very regularly. It isn't that I hate myself, I just can't stand having no purpose and no one to share life's journey with.

I don't know that I have any answers for you but I wanted you to know that there is at least one other human being out there who understands your pain and your loneliness and is happy to chat.

By the way, I am a 54 year old female. My usual descriptor of myself is short, round and middle-aged.

You are not alone!

Re: Not coping with severe depression


@Lemonjuice wrote:

@Leventia sorry you are struggling.  I'm also experiencing depression and loneliness.  It can be a bit of a catch 22, you're depressed and down on yourself, which makes it hard to go out and make connections, which just makes you even more depressed and self-destructive, down on yourself.  I'm not quite sure what the answer is, cause trying to be cheerful feels like an act and yet you know that being this down turns people off.  The only thing I can think of, is to start with baby steps, towards socializing.  If at this time all you can manage is to talk with people on a forum, well start with that, maybe, in a few weeks or months, build up to a support group, then a social group...basically start with where you are at and build on it.  Wondering if you have family, friends, counsellor that you confide in?


Hi @Lemonjuice thank you so much for reaching out and I sincerely apologise for taking a while to reply. I appreciate the very thoughtful suggestions you have offered and the fact you have shared your own personal experiences with me. I do have a beautiful family to confide to but the problem is I find it diffucdifa open up and express what is at the heart of my problems. I have spoken to a psychologist in the past but found it too embarrassing and confronting to share the real reasons behind my depression. As a consequence it made the sessions completely pointless as the aspects of my life which need addressing were not dealt with. I can be quite positive on the very rare occasion that I do socialise but i often feel exhausted by the experience afterwards. I also feel out of place and completely out of my comfort zone. Thank you so much for going through the trouble to reply. I'm extremely grateful and hope that you are doing well yourself.

Re: Not coping with severe depression

Hi @Jayneinpain, thank you for joining and being so understanding of my circumstances. It's very kind and sweet of you. I'm deeply sorry to hear about your own personal battles. I would like to take you up on your very generous offer and chat with you. Hopefully we can both help each other get through those moments where you just need a sympathetic ear and someone understanding to chat with

Re: Not coping with severe depression

Hi Frog, thanks for your warm welcome as well as your kind and understanding words. I'm extremely grateful for your contribution.

Re: Not coping with severe depression

@Leventia don't lose hope about finding the right therapist, I have seen about 10 and only the last two were any good for me and even then, it has taken a couple of years of weekly sessions to start trusting enough to open up about my issues which are traumatic and embarrassing.  

Re: Not coping with severe depression

Hi again,

Talking honestly about the experience of severe depression really is a different conversation. I know there will be those out there who disagree, but i think you need to have walked in those shoes before you can understand the journey through depression. It truly is a lived experience. I believe there are concepts and feelings that can only be understood through experience. It certainly isn't something that reading a text book can fully explain. 

 

Most of the time i stay hopeful. I imagine what it would be like to have that someone special in my life who would be prepared to listen without judgement or polite platitudes. I think that hope is what keeps me waking up each day. Speaking frankly, there has to be life for there to be hope. I don't really think I want to meet someone who gets excited about spending time with me only after I'm dead Smiley LOL.

 

I'm happy to chat about anything but I don't want to push you too hard or fast. Maybe it is because I am older, and theoretically wiser (not true!) that I don't worry who reads my thoughts. I don't know if there is a more private format on this site in case you want to talk more freely?

 

I'm here whenever you want to talk. 

 

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