Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SamD]

I am the partner of a woman who is suffering from PTSD as a result of many years of domestic abuse (primarily emotional but also physical/sexual). To top it off, I also suffer from Anxiety & Bi-polar (primarily Aniexty nowadays).

Our relationship is literally falling apart in front of my eyes. After 4 years of trying to work with her, I have no successful coping/managing strategies for dealing with what seems to be her inability to successfully manage her condition in a way in which it minimises the impact on our relationship. I know that somehow I (my challenges) contribute to the problem but I don't know how to balance addressing my contribution without allowing her non-management of her PTSD to be acceptable.

Communication breakdowns are a very regular occurence, her hyper-vigilance about everything that could go wrong with our relationship and an inability to focus on everything that is great about our relationship is chipping away at my self-respect which in turn sees me exhibiting some of the same behaviours (extreme frustration and anger) that led her to PTSD. I know you are not supposed to take the responses to PTSD personally but when it's always about what you do or could potentially do to hurt the other person, there is no way anyone could ignore or put aside that messaging.

I believe that I have been extremely patient and understanding (given my personal understanding of mental health issues) but I have now reached a point where it seems that my only choice is to extricate myself from our relationship for my own good. This is a choice I don't want to make and I need help navigating our way to a successful relationship that balances the need to attend to both of our needs and challenges.

Can anyone help please?

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @SamD and welcome to the forums.

That's quite a struggle you have got on there ... and in the way you are describing your situation it is clear that it is compounded - made up of several problems all coming together.

I am glad to hear your self-compassion is in there.  Carer burnout is real, and something discussed at length on a Topic Tuesday here recently.  It is important that you have strength and a sense of balance as your individual person before being in a position to be able to help another and bond in a relationship.

So my first question is ... are you seeing someone ?  In mi circles, that means a support counsellor, psychologist, talking to you GP ..... if not, then talking to your GP is the starting point.  There are plans and financial supports available to help you.

It may be that partner needs to see someone too, or that you can be counselled as a couple, but in any case it sounds like there is a lot of work to be done with the help of an outside support.

It is also important that you find a sense of respite when you need it.  This may be in hobbies and interests, taking walks is good cos it helps burn some of the emotional and physical tension, and provides a supply of feel-good hormones.  Music is another good "time out", as is catching up with friends and family beyond the core relationship for a coffee or phone chat .... not necessarily about the issues ..... just chatting about anything and everything else can provide respite.

One of your most valuable supports may prove to be these forums, as they have for me.  There are lovely people here, warm and strong in compassion, ready to listen, empathise, and offer home-gown or lived experience advice.

I hope this helps.  Don't be shy of asking questions as you make your way around the forums.

F&H

[Lunar]

Hello @SamD, a very big welcome to the forums from myself 🙂

I can hear a lot of frustration and exhaustion coming through from what you have mentioned are lots of difficulties with your partner and her lack of wanting support for her mental health concerns. One big issue is a lack of communication and now you are at a point where you are considering leaving the situation as your completely burnt out.

It's important for you to know you are not alone, there are lots of carers who also push themselves too far in what they can do to help their partners, it would be helpful for you to work on your boundaries and limits as well as self-care and coping strategies for yourself. What kind of support are you getting for this at the moment as you also said you have some mental health concerns too, are you linked in with a good psychologist or counsellor?

It could also be helpful for you both to have a session together with a counsellor to really try working on the miscommunication issues you are facing and the underlying resentments/insecurities or anxieties and stress you are both dealing with.

Thanks again for sharing, here for you

Lunar

[SamD]

Thanks F&H.

I'm / we're not currently seeing someone although previously we have seen psych's individually and together.  To be honest, I'm not sure if our relationship has in turn benefitted.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for getting help from professionals however I'm struggling to see this avenue as anything other than hitting the repeat button on something that hasn't paid off in the long run.  I have however asked my partner if she needs some form of regular check-in type help to keep her on track with using the tools/techniques she has learn't and told her I am supportive in this space.

I guess our greatest struggle right now is getting her to communicate what she needs from me and how I contribute to the overall problem in a productive manner and for me to keep my frustration/anger in check.

I feel like if we can conquer the barriers to successful communication, we can then successfully deal with the underlying issues.  Then we may actually be able to do this without the need for external help on an ongoing basis.  For me, that should be the ultimate goal.

Must run, busy day at work.  Thanks again.

SamD

[Faith-and-Hope]

Sounds like a decent plan @SamD ....

[Lunar]

That does sound like a good plan, I can understand what you mean about the counsellor but sometimes people just find it easier to communicate in a session with someone who has experience in relationship issues. But if you feel as though you are able to have that conversation by yourselves in a calm and helpful manner, then definitely try that it sounds like a great idea.

Take care

Lunar

[SamD]

Thanks Lunar.  I'm thinking that I need some professional help.  Are you are aware of any referral services in SA?  I looked up one from another thread but it's based in WA.

SamD

[Lunar]

Hi there @SamD !

Do you mean for couples counselling? You can get a referral through your GP for a Psychologist who works wth couples or you can try the organisation Relationships Australia -

Relationships Australia - SA

http://www.rasa.org.au/

Lunar 🙂