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Pretending to be ok

I am pretending all the time faking smiles telling everyone everything is fine but i know it isnt. I am struggling with the eating issues and it is making me feel physically sick 24/7 which is just making the whole issue even harder. I am not sleeping the last around 10 days i havent been to bed before 6am and I still have to get up for class around 9am. I feel weak and exhausted all day and then I get home and feel so out of it that I hardly get any work done. my place is a mess and i try and try but i just cant keep on top of it for more than a day. I am have a physical health issue as well and that is causing me a lot of pain. the exhaustion is affecting my memory and I nearly didnt remember where i parked my car and walked around looking for a while. physically my body feels like it is about to collapse at any moment but inside i also feel very agitated. I don't know how much longer i can keep this up I am so tired but I cant make it all stop despite me trying very hard to keep things under control. I have no support right now and I feel very lost. I am safe but i really dont know what to do. 

16 REPLIES 16

Re: Pretending to be ok

Hi @Eden1919 

hugs 🤗❤️

You really need a break from everything. Are you able to see your doctor and explain what you wrote here. 

It would be good if you could get into a hospital to have a break from everything. 

Do you take meds? You probably need your meds reviewed. 

You sound so exhausted and you just can’t function like that. 

I feel for you. Not sleeping is a big one. It affects your mood, the way you cope and think snd your physical health. 

Pls speak to someone to get some much needed help. 

You deserve a break and time out for yourself to get better. ❤️❤️

 

Re: Pretending to be ok

Hi @Eden1919 

 

Gosh - that sounds bad - I remember feeling like that many years ago and I was in a bad place - 

 

I spent some time in hospital - it made a big difference - when we get so exhausted and worn down we need a break - as @BlueBay  says

 

Go and see your doctor asap - and try and keep really safe

 

Dec

 

Do you need a moderator?

Re: Pretending to be ok

hi @Eden1919 hugs.

Sounds like you are really suffering. I've said it a few times before but I think it's really important for you to go part-time study for next semester. I don't think it's healthy or kind to push yourself this hard with full time study.

 

How did you go with your failed assignment, were you able to get Special Consideration?

 

I know you are adamant about not taking meds but can the dr can give you something to help you sleep? My pdoc prescribed something for me to sleep & I don't sleep great but I sleep some & that's a lot better than nothing.

 

I totally relate to not being able to keep on top of the housework, for me it's a daily battle to cook myself nutritious meals, do the dishes, buy healthy groceries, shower and dress. I haven't brushed my teeth for 2 days as I just can't face it. And I've sought solace in beer the last 2 days as I've been so aggitated, irritable & angry, so at least you don't do that. I have lost my car many times, it sux.

 

It's very brave that you are soldiering on with your studies, that takes a lot of energy, intellignece and concentration. Is anything you are studying at least intersting? Are the people around you at uni nice?

 

I'm sorry I don't really have any solutions for you but know that I'm thinking of you and understanding you. Here if you want to talk. Hugs x

Re: Pretending to be ok

@BlueBay  @Dec  I am not on meds there were such a bad experience for me and gave me awful side effects and i have tried over 20 different ones and i really cant face the thought of going through that again. simillarly the hospital experiences i have had have been extreemely truamatic which i am still suffering the effects of and even the notion of going anywhere near one again makes me panic. I really can't go there again and I am not just saying that I literally can't but i am unable to explain why exactly that is on here. I also dont have a regualr GP at the moment and there is no one else i can see about this that i feel I could actually talk to about what is going on. I am sorry if i seem like i am just dissmissing you i dont mean to. 

 

@BryanaCamp  sorry about the alcohol issue you are having. I am liking the course content mostly it is interesting and the people in my classes are all nice. I saw the disability services person last week or maybe the week before i dont remember but they aslo suggested not doing full time which i understand but I also cant face the idea of having to do this for even longer because honestly even 1 course worth of work is too much to cope with and I cant be here for that long so far from my family and pets. and also the thought of having to keep doing all the house things alone for even longer is also too much. it frustrates and upsets me so much that i cant just be an independant adult and function normally despite how much effort i am putting in. i just feel like i never get a rest and this stuff never lets up and i an constantly trying to climb a verticle wall or cliff while carrying seven boulders on my back. and no matter how many ropes people throw to help me climb up my legs are just too tired to make any headway and i keep slipping. I have tried countless meds for sleep and nothing worked both my previous gp and current psychiartist dont know what else to try for sleep or normal meds even if they didnt give me side effects. i am just so tired and I really dont know what is left to try.  

Re: Pretending to be ok

Hi @Eden1919,

This sounds incredibly difficult. I can hear your sleep issues especially are really serious and really impacting you right now. 

That's really tough if you are feeling burnt out from trying different medications that have had bad side effects in the past. And uni is a big pressure to have on top of what is happening. 

I really appreciate that your difficulty sleeping is very serious. I'm wondering is there anything that helps you to wind down even a little bit in the evenings?

Take care, 

Tortoiseshell 

Re: Pretending to be ok

@Tortoiseshell  it isnt that i am not tired in the evening but i am too tired. because of my ocd I cant sleep unless i have a shower and I am so exhausted constantly that it takes me 5-6 hours to muster up the strength to go and go through the long and tedious showering process. I can't go to bed without showering. once at home it was very late and my mother wouldnt let me shower so i layed on the cold hard floor in my room all night until the morning came and i was allowed to shower, then i had to go to school. even if i could lay on my bed without showering i couldnt fall asleep because i cant wear my pj's without being clean and i just cant sleep when i feel dirty. but also lately even if i am tired the last 4 times i have tried to go to bed eairler i didnt end up sleeping at all and like not even for a minute so then i just figure 3 hours is better than nothing. but it isnt so much the sleep making me tired it is also the food issues because now i feel weak and tired. I have no one i can talk to about this and no one could even help even if i could talk to them. sometimes i feel so bad physically these days i think i am going to kick the bucket. not like i plan to but i just feel so awful. i really dont know anymore. 

Re: Pretending to be ok

Hi @Eden1919 

im sorry you’ve had so much trouble with medications and doctors. Thsts really tough. 

Is it possible that you could find a new doctor. I still feel you need to talk to someone - just to let it all out. 

I’m only giving suggestions. 

I hope you can find someone who can support you. 

Always here if you need to chst ❤️❤️

Re: Pretending to be ok

hi @Eden1919 I'm sorry I don't really have the strength to think of anything productive to write. I'm going through a very rough patch myself and struggling to put one foot infront of the other day by day.

Re: Pretending to be ok

@BlueBay  there arent any other doctors to go to and its ok thanks for being around. 

@BryanaCamp  thats ok. take the time you need to look after yourself. 

 

I am still really struggling with everything and i really dont know what to do anymore i just feel so terrible. i feel like i am falling appart and nothing is working to hold me together. i feel like i need to cry but i cant even do that i just keep spacing out instead. 

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