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brightertimes
Casual Contributor

Recovering from a crisis and lost

My husband was diagonised with bipolar a year ago after a crisis moment that saw him being rather angry and aggressive.  He was involuntary place into psychiatric care after i called the police.  

After the episode, i put everything aside, my thoughts, well being , anger etc to help him get better, while caring for our 3 kids.  We saw a psychiatrist whom diagnosed him.  It has not been an easy ride this past year with him finding it hard to accept his Illness.  He kept thinking it was his drug abuse that caused all his mood swings and ups and downs.  It took about 3 months before he went on the medication properly, after another depressed episode, but like he said only because i wanted him to, not because he accepted it, but he did it anyway.  

The meds seemed to be working (well I thought they were) but he didn't, he thought all it did was confused him even more.  He was confused about his feeling and always questioning his moods and behaviour and whether it was appropriate or if its because of his illness. We would be going really well, totally in love and everything going fine and then he would just loose it and we're back at square one.  So its always up and down with him.

 The last month he was complaining he wasn't sleeping, million thoughts and i could sense he was agitated. the other Friday, I call it D day, he lost it.  He was very agitated and kept yelling at the kids for random things like not wanting to watch a cartoon with him, or not answering him when he called.  I lost my patient and said why are you doing this and maybe i should take the kids to mums house.  He didn't take this well. It ended up with him being quite violently aggressive and scaring the kids.  He manage to calm down for 3 seconds and realised he had to leave which I thought was best.  He checked into motel and we spoke the next day and he seemed calmer, remorseful, embarrassed, lost and lonely.  It broke my heart to hear him like that, but also fearing that he would fall into depression.  He realised the place was not good for him and he found courage to ask a friend if he could stay there. Which I was relieved he did.  He spent the next few days there sleeping etc and only came home today.  

But now that his home, i feel like we're all walking on egg shells again.  When he wasn't here i wished he was and was sad every time he said he wasn't ready to come home.  He would tell me he slept all day then wake up and talk to his mates who was very supportive and just listened I guess. But he would say to me he didn't want to come home and have to try (but all I think is - isn't he trying over there? Like sitting there talking to them isn't that trying?). I started off the whole thing with a lot of love and care and patient, putting everything that happened aside so that he could feel better. I've managed all the kids which is very stressful with them all under 5 so that he could come back.  But now all I'm feeling is anger and resentment that he wasn't ready to come home and give me the emotional support that i needed. Which i know is unrealistic and this makes me even more disappointed in myself.  

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, sad but not allowed to cry, worried but not allow to say, lonely but can't reach out, because i dont want him to feel pressured to being back to the real world even though i need him so much.  He was laying on the couch and just looked at me and said I'm sorry but your not going to like this, I'm feeling major anxiety and need to have some .(self medicated) stuff to help him.  He blamed me for making him come home, I said I'd didn't , and he said no but i called every day (I know this is his illness but the blame just makes me feel so sad) I told him to do just what ever he did at his friends house but he said no cus then I'll judge him , they didn't judge him and this is even more hurtful after everything I've done for him. I've asked him for a few days now to go to the docs and maybe get his meds adjusted to help him.  But he said all he needs is rest which i let him do. But this self medicating thing is worrying me. His psychiatrist is on holidays until the 10.  We actually have a holiday booked for 21 and i just don;t if I should cancel and I'm too scared to raise this up with him because i dont want him to feel like his letting us down and being a failure for screwing everything up.  Omg its like a roller coaster.  I'm so lost of what to do.  I can hear him down stairs eating and watching tv.  And I'm now angry that he needed to self medicate to be able to get to that point.  Anyway sorry for the long winded first time post.  I"m just so lost now. My patiences and emotional wellbeing is wearing thin.  I'm scared that I wont know how to act tomorrow if his in the same mood.  I miss him dearly and just wake up every day hoping that he'll be back to his calmer state soon. 

Any advise would be good. Ive held all that in for so long haven't really spoken to anyone about this.  Friends know about bits and pieces of our life but never the true story and i never want to tell them because i dont want them to judge him.  I'm quite protective of what happens in our little family.  But the kids are getting older now and they starting to notice.  I know from the outcome of this crisis that i need more help understanding the illness and understanding how to cope in a crisis moment.  I know i can't open my mouth and shout out resentment because that doesn't help him but at the same time oh  I wish i could! I wish i could tell him exactly how i feel how much i hate him being bipolar! How much i feel belilttled because of his illness, how much I hurt and how much I crave for normal (whatever that is).  When he is normal or hypermanic he is so much fun and we are the best couple ever (I know people envy us) but when his the other hulk he is completely differennt. 😞

11 REPLIES 11

Re: Recovering from a crisis and lost

Hi @brightertimes - welcome to the Forum. I hope even the exercise of writing out your story has given you some relief from what must be a very stressful situation. 

It's little wonder that you are feeling anxious after what has happened. You would well know that these erratic thoughts and actions your husband is exhibiting are the nature of bipolar, not that it makes it any easier to deal with.

Having three small children to care for only adds to the complexity of your problems. Please ensure the safety of you and your kids. That is paramount and if it means leaving or calling the police, you must do so. It was a good thing that he realised that he was losing it and left of his own choice last month and also that you had thought out a plan to get your children to your mother's place if things escalated. 

This self medicating that he does isn't the answer. It's quite possible that a change in medication could be of benefit. Is there another doctor that he could go to since his regular one isn't available for a few days yet? As for the holiday, I can understand your anxiety. You would have been looking forward to it yet apprehensive about whether it's a good idea to go considering the current circumstances. Only you can make that call. 

Everybody's wellbeing is at stake at the moment. If him being with these friends means both he and you get a reprieve, that could be the best option. It seems like you are at your wit's end. You are wanting his support but aren't getting it. He is flat out figuring out himself.

Have you been able to access any counselling for yourself? Please continue to talk to us. We may not have all the answers but we will listen. A burden shared is a burden halved. 

I hope you have a better day. 

Re: Recovering from a crisis and lost

@brightertimesIt sounds like it’s been a really tough year for you, and maybe it’s been tough even before he went to hospital last year. It is sounding like you need your own support too, I hope as @soul has asked that you have some counselling or some time to talk just for yourself?

It can be tough adjusting to a new diagnosis, that means a complete life change. If your husband is used to self-medicating as you say it does complicate things, and may interfere with the prescribed medications. But it can be a real struggle to see and know the people we love may make choices that aren’t necessarily in their best interests.

It sounds like you’ve been really missing him, not just him being physically around, but him as a loving husband and dad. You’ve also acknowledged that the kids are noticing his behaviour and that sometimes he is a bit scary to them. It sounds like a lot is going on for both of you, and you need support, you cried out for it before.

We have some guides for families, friends and carers of those with mental illness. You may have already sought some advice that way, but just in case the links are below. I’m also listing some really good resources if you want to talk about it over the phone. You wrote that you couldn’t open up to your friends, but maybe an anonymous service might help?

It’s really difficult to be a supportive carer and wife and mum all at once, for someone who you wish could support you back. So I hope you find these helpful. Come back to the forums to let us know how you’re going.

 

Guide for families and friends

For crisis counselling:

  •  Lifeline 1311 14
  • Samaritans Helplines 135 247

If you or another person is at immediate risk of harming themselves or others, you can contact 000, or the CAT team.

And for yourself, these below referrals may be able to support you with counselling access, if you haven’t yet sought your own through your doctor

Re: Recovering from a crisis and lost

Hi Scour! Hi soul! Thank you so much for taking the time out to reply. It was actually very helpful and relieving just to even write about it.

Yesterday I woke up with a really good outlook. Took my kids out and just went and did something fun without having that heaviness around. Yesterday he slept for the entire day and I kept the kids away for him to sleep. Coming home I was very open and felt like I could just support him without asking it for return and it really helped. As in he was able to just be himself and i think that made it easier for him to adjust back to us. So all in all it was a positive day. Who knows what he'll be like when he wakes up (joys of bipolar) but will keep positive.

The links are very helpful and before all this I didn't really look into it but will do now.

For counseling for myself, I've never looked into it. Only because once things calm over I just forget about everything and just live in the happy and the now (prob the universe gift to me to allow me to cope) 🙂

Re: Recovering from a crisis and lost

I think the hardest thing is always just waiting ... as a career you just wait to see how the others will be - if they'll be happy or if they'll be sad that day. If they'll take the meds or if they won't. If they are positive or will it be a shit day. Quite a rollercoaster. I read somewhere about the 4 c's and I really liked it - u can't control it, you can't cure it, you can't curse it, you can only cope with it (maybe I got the curse one wrong but makes sense to me) lol

Re: Recovering from a crisis and lost

Hi @brightertimes - I'm happy that you were had a good day yesterday. No doubt much of that was because you prioritised yourself and the kids and that eased your anxiety somewhat. 

That rollercoaster ride is a tough one especially when you don't know when the dips are coming. Sleeping all day isn't a functional way to live and if you want to move forward there are issues you both need to address.

I would advise you to research the condition. I'll find a link to a book I found useful and post it here. Be back soon. Hope it's a good day for you all. 

Re: Recovering from a crisis and lost

Here's the link @brightertimes - it's a free download

 

https://humansystem.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/i-hate-you-dont-leave-me.pdf

Another book that was interesting was was an autobiography called "Life in Limbo" by Matt Barwick

 

Re: Recovering from a crisis and lost

I'm not even sure if i replied to this. I thought i did.  The links was very helpful.  Give me some good tips on how to talk to him when his in an episode but it was harder to practice. I guess that's because he was so far in to his Crisis.  Just an update, he is finally in the emergency tonight and getting some real help.  It was such a fight to get him there.  He was just so low today he wasn't even thinking straight, there was a lot of anger, shame worthlessness and lost hope and it was so heart breaking to watch.

it is such a relief to know he is in there safe or as safe can be, to him his being contained but hoping he'll see some hope tomorrow.  

I hope any carer out there trying to help they're love one get through a depress episode makes it though - its so hard trying to get your partner to get the right help and sometimes you are so torn with guilt if you get it for them because they wish for you not too. I still struggle with making the right choices but I;m glad i had the support today to help him get the help he needed. 

Re: Recovering from a crisis and lost

Thinking of you @brightertimes and hoping for genuine brighter times to come. Good to know that action has been taken. Let us know how things pan out. It must have been a very difficult situation. 

Re: Recovering from a crisis and lost

Thank you @soul. Oh it has been so tough. We've all been treading on egg shells around here past few days.  I also had to pretty much beg the psychiatrist to see him today because he was so unwell.  On the way up he keep stalling and I kept think he was going to do a Osborne and  do a runner as we walked up.  Was so afraid he would deck someone out today too - he just wasn't right. But i needed the added help of his psychiatrist to help him get the help he needed he wouldn't listen to me otherwise. 

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