So recently my partner followed me to check that I was at the place I said I would be ( not his normal behaviour ) then he checked my messages on my phone ( not okay!!!) and all the while , for three days I am thinking WTF he had his monthly depot, he has been working and this all came out of the blue!!!! Selfishly I was thinking, if this is how it's going to be, if the meds are no longer holding him then I just don't think I have the mental strength to continue supporting him , selfishly I was thinking.....' and why should I continue like this as for me this is not an equal, loving relationship!!!' That's the selfish me and TBH I think sometimes I got a raw deal. Anyway, thankfully my yelling at him or whatever worked as he admitted (which is a first) that he had a 'smoke' because he was feeling good. This has been his downfall for the past 25 years and the cause of most of his relapses and I actually thought we were well past the point of him even being brave enough to have THC knowing he then has to face the wrath of me!!!! Also knowing that it's a deal breaker for me and he will be left on his own??!! However, through his honesty at admitting he was feeling paranoid due to having this smoke over a three day period he saved himself from a lengthy stay in hospital as once he confessed he stopped, thankfully!!!! However whilst for him it's all done and dusted and forgotten, for me it's not as that was three days of angst, feeling ill due to stress and the unknown and still trying to function in front of a classroom and not having a single person I could talk to about it due to feeling ashamed!! Although since then his behaviour has been normal and has had another depot but he did put some odd rantings on FB recently saying he believed hospital rooms were gassed etc and had electro magnetic fields in the walls blah blah blah so although he now comes across as WELL he also believes all this other stuff which again makes me think he is slowly unravelling and I am not sure I want to go through this yet again!!!! Surely it's not normal to think these things about hospital still??? When he is supposedly well??? Also still believes food is laced with sedatives, stuff he would normally say when sick. He is also like the money police and questions everything I spend money on to the point that I feel ill everytime I shop, even just for groceries!!Even though I earn double , sometimes triple his income. He manages all the bills and tells me what the budget is every fortnight!! I have allowed him this control I guess. I have suggested separate accounts, knowing that my share of bills is double his as I am still supporting my daughter by paying her school fees from afar but that's ok. That's my responsibility but at the suggestion of separate accounts he gets nasty and says he won't contribute towards things that need doing on the house then etc etc!!! Oh my goodness, reading back over what I have just madly typed makes me see that I need to leave or stay and stop whinging, it's my choice but I have to do something!!!!
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13 YARN