Lived Experience Forum

[Chris]

Big confrontation over the phone with my son and his ex over visitation for the children. 

Because my sons new partner lost it and yelled at the ex over  forcing one child to come down.  This child is now afraid of the new partner. It was thought that is was best not to force her and let her make the decision. Seems legally its the wrong thing as a child of eight cant make that decision for themselves. Were trying to avoid confrontation and build her confidence back up. The ex is stopping him seeing his girls untill the new partner get lost. Not going to hapen. So he told her he will see her in court.  She continually changes arangements to suit herself and doesnt abide by the parenting agreement through mediation.As you can imagine theres alot more to this

This has really upset me to say the least this morning. I hate confrontation. Its a big trigger. Its been a continual problem for the last six months. I here it from all sides. My son and partner live with us, so its hard. I love my son very much, and his new partner has been the best thing that has hapened to him. She has been through hell herself. She feels that she is getting the blame for all this. But realistically if it wasnt her it would be whoever his partner was. But it is getting too much for me. Ive told him he has to do something about this today. It cannot continue. Its putting everyone, especially  the children under alot of strain. Got to get out of the house for a while.

[Appleblossom]

@Chris

[utopia]

@Chris. Surely your son's ex, will let him see the children if they are going to be at your house . I know you don't like confrontation, but in this instant could you intervene and speak to the ex & explain to her that it's more than just your son seeing the children - it's also about you being able to see your grandkids. And these children need to see their grandparents.

[MaryMahem]

Familiy matters with children are also so complicated, but some thoughts based on my experiences:

1. Let the children see their dad and you without the new partner.  A good partner would understand that they are a trigger for the ex and maybe the children.  Let them spend a day with friends or being pamered, or take the kids out somehwere neutral.  They can be introduced slowly as the relationship progresses (yes, overnight is hard).  I didn't meet my last BF's children for a year.  It was also a slow intro.  It worked well as we all had time to adjust.
2. Put up with the petty manipulation of the ex who rearranges times to suit them.  This is a common tactic.  Be the better person.  The children come first and it is in their best interests that they see their parents trying to get on, even if it's one sided.  They will know who has their back in the long run.  However, don't let them get away with it longterm.  Keep a detailed list of all child "transactions" for future use.
3. Keep the end goal in sight - happy, well-adjusted kids who love both their parents and their new partners, step-sibling, half-siblings.  Sometimes being the adult means "giving in" or letting go of other's manipulation and anger.  What would make the children happy should be the first question everytime.  This will guide you all.  
4. There is no winning unless the children are happy.

Each situation is different so this may not apply to you or help you.  These are my experiences.