Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I started my medication last week. I don't feel at all in anyway different but I'll give it a few weeks to see if it's the pill for me and what my blood tests say about it. I'm still having my scary lows and awesome highs. I'm far from 100% happy about being on them and do not look at them at all in a positive light except the fact they will stop me being a hassle to my husband.

Have any of you had great reactions on them? Have you had to try a few or be on a few?

Any way in life I haven't slept in more then 4 hours a night for the last 3/4 weeks and can only stomach one meal a day. My body is physically in pain and my eyes are black and my brain is like so let's name every type of fish there are and what dish we should put it in and what drink would suit it! I've been given some sweet sleeping pills and they are doing zero! Tonight I take 3 tablets and see if that helps. All my friends are in pure shock they are not working as when they use them for traveling they are knocked out straight away.

I've also been getting bullied badly at work. They don't talk to me and death stare me sneaker in there groups. I'm a very nice person and try to be friendly but I get one word answers. But I over heard them talk the other day about bitching about each other and being mean to people so I decided I'm not even going to waste my time on them because they are purely nasty. But then today I had a rough day due to people being mean and I over heard the girls talking about me and was like Oi! What you girls are complain h and death starting me about is zero my problem and I'm unable to anything about it till my manager organises something. So stop with the death stares because that's just stressing me out for something that's no really my concern!

Sorry in a rambling. I'm just really flat.

[suzanne]

Hi @Former-Member, sorry to hear that you're having a rough time.  Bad sleep, crap colleagues and mood swings.  Not fun.  I wasn't sure if your reaction to your colleagues was something you thought or said.  I'd love you to have said it but I'm not sure that I'd have had the courage.  The only comfort I get in those situations is to think about how awful it would be to live inside their minds.  What a bleak and nasty experience that would be.  You don't need to pull down others if you feel good about yourself.

Even though the meds haven't kicked in with any useful effects, it sounds as if you at least haven't reacted negatively.  No stomach problems? Weirdly robotic responses to stuff?  Often it's a lessening of tearful and angry moments that demonstrate the positive effects of meds so keep an eye out for that.  

Sometimes it can be helpful to think of meds as a bridge.  Something getting you from here to there rather than a destination in themselves.  A place you're passing through on route to somewhere better.  You won't always need them but they might make life a little better right now.  Or just your relationship.  But that's important too.

Let us know how you go. 

[Mazarita]

Hi @Former-Member,

Sorry you are being bullied just at a time when you need support, or at least not to be hassled. 

@suzanne is right with the medications being a 'bridge' of a kind. They help, sometimes a lot, but don't fix everything. We still have our own lives to live. Like you, part of why I chose to take one of my medications is that my relationship was suffering too badly from my behaviour. At times I have felt bad about doing it almost exclusively for this reason, but overall it has improved the situation so much, and improved my stability too, that I am mostly just grateful for it. 

There can be some patience needed in getting the right medication for you and a dose that suits you. Some can take time to work (even longer than a few weeks). I've also had improvements within days with some medications. I agree too with @suzanne that subtle changes are worth noticing, as all the small improvements tend to add up to bigger improvements overall.

Best wishes.

[Appleblossom]

I agree with @suzanne it is the reduction of tears and anger that are helpful. 

Even though i strain against meds I know they have helped me.  It is also good for me to read that it works that way for many people, and not just blindly take the word of a doctor about it. 

We tend to think of our tears and anger as so deeply personal it can be weird to realise that they are also biological phenomena effected by chemicals in our bloodstream.

[Former-Member]

Hi @suzanne yer I actually said those things to the girl. I'm not handeling my anger well and im like serious stuff them so I just let it rip. I'm proud of my self though for not name calling and saying how revolting they are and they need to grow up even though they are at least 20 years older then me! Yer I would hate the be in there minds or life. They must have very sad home life's but then I think I had a bad upbringing and I got bipolar and I'm not nasty. I make sure I compliment people everyday because everyone deserves to smile.

@Appleblossom and @Mazarita I'm being really patient on them and knowing it may help or just be rubbish and I might need to try a few. I feel perfectly normal on them. No foggy head, no robot style and my tummy is handeling it fine. But I'm waiting on my bloods to see what my liver thinks of it. Fingers crossed it likes it. I'm still teary and bursts of anger but I only self harmed once since being on them. But then again I'm on a high I realised and that's why I'm not sleeping and doing hundreds of things at once. But I still feel dead inside.

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member Good to hear you are being as patient as possible. Also that you are feeling normal. That's what the medications are usually aiming for, at the same time as improving our symptoms. Great to hear the self harm has decreased significantly. So far the treatment sounds promising though I'm sorry you still have that awful feeling inside. I've got fingers crossed the medication agrees with your liver too and continues to improve your symptoms. I find the meds I take give me more of a solid floor to stand on in my life. From there talk therapy can also help. But things seem to me to work best when taken one small step at a time. Kind wishes.

[Former-Member]

@Mazarita I got my bloods back and everything is great! My physcolgist wants to do another 3 blood tests over the next three weeks just to make sure it's really agreeing with me. I'm amazed I've had zero reactions to this. When I was a teenager my anti depressants would send me to cyber space and was just not pretty. But I think not being dignoused with bipolar I was more and likely on the wrong medication.

I hope it kicks in soon though as I'm having numerous mood changes in one day. Today was the worst but then again my hair got butchered at a salon and I went to get it fixed which they told me it's probably not going to be able to get fully fixed and I'm going to lose more hair! It's been two days and my hair is half the thickness. I have had many panic attack, tears and screaming and no relaxent pills would help

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member,

It must be bad hair week. People were talking last night at the Friday Feast about this. I've had some disasters in my time too and know how upsetting it can be. I think for sure this affected your moods yesterday. Hopefully, as you continue with the new med, the extremes of reactions will be less intense.

Great about the blood tests! Good too that your psych is following up with further tests, says to me that they are trying to take care of your body while you are taking this medication. Hearing that you once had a bad reaction to anti-depressants, I understand better your initial reluctance this time about trying meds again. Unfortunately it is known that ADs on their own can send bipolar people into mania. This is also what I believe happened to me when I was given one particular AD on its own before being diagnosed with bipolar. That was also when I was much younger. Once the meds used specifically for bipolar were prescribed, there was significant improvement with me. Here's hoping the little improvements that have been happening for you add up to some bigger ones very soon.

[Former-Member]

Week and a half on my medication and I feel that I'm 24/7 on the verge of tears. I weep about 3 times a day. Still not sleeping. I'm taking 3 sleeping pills and be lucky if I get 4 hours sleep. Really over this emotional high. Im getting ideas I would succeed at uni but then I remember I'm actually stupid. Street sense I'm smart but that can't make a living. I'm also very tempted to say yes to all my temptations even though I know it will screw up my life but then I think I don't like my life so who cares. I'm just starting to think what's the point of helping myself. If I was meant to be well I would have a normal brain but no I got a crazy brain. Maybe that's how I was designed.

[Shimmer]

Oh @Former-Member things sound really tough for you right now, I'm sorry to hear it. Feeling on the verge of tears all the time and not sleeping sounds so hard, and wouldn't be helping how you're feeling.

So part of you wants to say yes to your temptations, while another part of you wants to say no so that they don't mess up your life. It sounds like quite the tug of war, I imagine it would take a lot of strength!

You mentioned you're starting to think what's the point of helping yourself. Have you got any supports you can check in with about how you're feeling? Perhaps touching base with your prescribing doctor would be a good idea? Remember there is also Lifeline too if you need someone else to talk to: Lifeline 13 11 14.

Is there anything else you think would be helpful?

Have there been any small windows in the last week or so that you've been feeling a little bit better than this? If so, what do you think has contributed to that? If not, how are you managing to cope?

Take care @Former-Member, and let us know how you're going today. We're here for you