Lived Experience Forum

[wild_rose]

I'm really struggling at the moment with everything, the admission, being alone, bring away from my partner and animals, just everything.

Since coming in here I feel like what little stability I did have is gone, I'm beyond anxious, I'm so distressed it's ridiculous. The intrusive thoughts in my head are now ricochetted around my mind uncontrollably and I'm not coping.

I broke down to one of the nurses here today, I'm trying so hard to stay strong and have been trying to for months, even though every part of me just wants to fall apart.

I keep begging myself to 'snap out of it' I don't want to back in this headspace after do long free of its grip. I'm sick of feeling broken, damaged and defective. I just want me back again. The person I use to describe as resilient, independent, compassionate and kind. Imstead I feel like a monster has taken her place.

I'm scared of driving everyone away. Everyday I fight and every day I feel like I'm failing miserably.

I can't sleep now, I can't rid of the thoughts in my head, they're screaming at me unrelentingy, all I want is an hour of calm an hour where my thoughts are gone, I just want some peace from everything, these thoughts, this paranoia, this monster in my head. All I want is to function again and to be me again.

[NatureLover]

Oh gosh, it sounds bad, @wild_rose ...how long do you have to be in there? And are they adjusting your medication at all to cope with how you're feeling?

[Judi9877]

Hi @wild_rose 

I'm just letting you know that you are not alone in your struggles and you do have support with me being one of your supports here on the forums! Hospital isn't fun but it's there for a reason and that is to help you get better which I know you will do. You are strong, brave and courageous and I know you will get better because you want to. You are in a safe place and that's all that matters.

I know what it's like to be admitted to hospital after recently experiencing this same situation just over 6 weeks ago. I know that hospital can be scary and isolating as well and that you may feel damaged and defective and that things are out of your control. Opening up to a nurse is very brave and courageous but you did the right thing as now someone else knows what you're going through and can help you work through your issues.

It's okay to not be okay especially when you are in hospital. You are there for a reason and they is to get help and to get better. Being in hospital for me was a big effort just to get me there as I thought I had to handle things on my own but I learnt quickly through my support team that I need the skills and knowledge from others to help me get better which I did do. You too will get better. It will take time but you will get there. You just have to understand that you aren't well right now but you will get back to your usual fun and friendly self in time. 

Sending you big cheers of support from here in the forums! Get well forumite friend!

Judi9877☺️💐

[Unic0rn]

Hi Wild Rose,

I hear how hard it is for you right now. I hear that you are struggling to be away from your partner and animals, from your 'normal, and how much you just want to have a break from the 'monster' in your head. I want to acknowledge how incredibly tough your situation is right now. I hear what a hard time you are having. 
And I also want to tell you that I am holding onto hope for you, even if you cannot see that hope for yourself right now. I am holding this hope because I know that you can get better, that you will find a way to deal with all this, and I so celebrate that you have reached out and sought help. Please remember to take one tiny moment at a time. One breath, one moment, you can get through one moment at a time, that's all you need to do. 

Sending you much love. 

[Eve7]

As difficult as it is right now @wild_rose , I’m glad you’re in a safe place where you have support.

It’s ok to not be strong for a while so take each day moment by moment and be kind to yourself. Now is your time to heal.

If you’ve been well for 10 years, you will be well again.

Sending lots of love and hugs.

💜🤗💜🤗💜

[Jo-anneJoy]

When every part of you wants to fall apart, lean into the fire, and allow that process of disintegration and recreation to happen.

It is terrifying. It is a reassessment everything you think you know to be true about your identity, your place in the world, received values and structures of belief.  It is nigh impossible to surrender and befriend this transformation when doing so feels like defeat and you are in battle with aspects of your being, the unloved unwanted & undesirable.

When I find myself in this state of turmoil and chaos, I simply lie on my bed, close my eyes and say to myself : what is the most compassionate thing I can do for myself now?  Befriending the thoughts, the self-persecution, the  anguish, the monster within ..  in the immortal words of John Lennon

Nobody told me there'd be days like these

Nobody told me there'd be days like these

Nobody told me there'd be days like these

Strange days indeed -- most peculiar, mama

[Unic0rn]

Hi Wild Rose,

Just wondering how you are going today? Thought I'd check in to let you know we are still thinink of you.

x