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Something’s not right

Contributor

Waiting for hospital

I am waiting for a bed in a psych hospital. It is taking every nanogram (I made that word up, don't try to sound smart using it to a scientist) of my energy to get through this. I'm not ending my life at all. I'm just in a really difficult headspace. 

I'm throwing all my meds up, even antinausea pills. So I'm effectively off my medications now- mood stabilisers, antidepressants, thyroid meds, migraine preventatives, sedatives to get to sleep, etc. The throwing up is stress. 

I've been laying in bed perfectly still trying to gather energy to move. I have Conversion Disorder (among many diagnoses mostly trauma related) which causes weakness and paralysis when I get overwhelmed. Holding my phone typing with one finger is my huge success at moving. My admitting dr called today to say I should be in hospital by the weekend. 

I just want to lament that this is agonisingly torturous. I just want to be heard. 

Please don't suggest breathing- that's a trigger of mine. I thought of going to an ED but I don't have the energy and I couldn't cope with it at all now. 

I've been trying to distract with Netflix and podcasts but not even that is making a dent now. 

I'm safe. 

I'm just at my zombie end of functioning and wanted to be heard. 

Please don't worry. I've survived every day of my life already. I'm strong and not suicidal. I'm just scared of completely shutting down and being unreachable in my shell. I feel myself shutting down like my generator is dying. What happens when I am completely paralysed? I'm scared of that. 

Twerp. 

11 REPLIES

Re: Waiting for hospital

Hi @Twerp. It's hard to imagine what you are going through right now. It sounds absolutely awful and I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through it. I think I'd be feeling really scared too 🙁 It's a great effort to have reached out here with the lack of energy you have at the moment. It may take a little while sometimes to see it, but there are always people here and listening.

I wish there was more to say but I'm hearing you and really hoping that your hospital stay is helpful and happens soon.

Re: Waiting for hospital

Thank you so much @CheerBear 💜
It helps to know I'm heard. I'm grateful.

Re: Waiting for hospital

Hi @Twerp. Just wanted to say that I was thinking of you this morning wondering how your night was. Hoping that you hear confirmation soon about when your hospital admission will happen.
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Re: Waiting for hospital

Hi @Twerp

Hope that bed comes through soon.

I have been researching conversion disorder and it sounds similar to what I was going through in the late 1980s early 1990s.  Most horrendous period of my life. 

Because there are so many diagnoses floating around me in the family, doctors have been wary of adding another label which may have been nice but meant I did not get much treatment or support.

I used to have all sorts of triggers like "Breathe", but I am better now at detaching or is that not a good thing ... It can be all so confusing.lol

Go gently

 

Re: Waiting for hospital

@Twerp. I'm hoping by now that you got a bed at hospital and are in a safe place. Thinking of you 

Re: Waiting for hospital

Thank you CheerBear,
My friend and NDIS worker called my GP about my throwing up. He said to hobby ambulance to a hospital and he would call aghead and tell them I was on my way there.
So we did this. They gave us 5 bags of IV fluids to rehydrate us. We were admitted overnight.
The next day, Friday, we were transferred to the hospital we'd been waiting for a bed in. We're here now still.
It is good to be in a unit where I know the nurses and even some patients. They are being really gentle with us. And we are taking medication to reduce our nausea still. I feel safe and cushioned.
Thank you for your care.
Much love, from Twerp.

Re: Waiting for hospital

Hi Appleblossom,
How interesting you had Conversion Disorder-type symptoms. You must have been under enormous stress.
Conversion Disorder comes back again with more stress and with feeling overwhelmed in the future, once you've had it once. It's a form of dissociation. It's like once the neural pathway is there to Conversion Disorder, it hangs around for more use.
I first went paralysed, all over except breathing and blinking, in 1994 after successful surgery for malignant melanoma. Then for decades I've had "mini" paralyses where I can't move for about 30 seconds to 30 minutes at a time, or I get stuck in a chair for a few hours and can't get up (not due to other reasons like weight or alcohol).
When I had a baby this happened and I called my playgroup leader to please come over because I couldn't reach my baby who was crawling around. She came over and I told her all about my life then. The Conversion Disorder hadn't been diagnosed still at that point.
She visited this year when I was in a wheelchair and was so worried she came to clean and take out my bins etc, twice a week. She's now one of my NDIS workers. She's amazing. So sweet and we laugh a Lot together. It is special we already had trust in place before she came on board to help.
Having the Conversion Disorder diagnosed this year has been a relief. No one understood why I got paralysed before. It just seemed quite crazy. To know what it is and how it is caused is a relief.
I hope yours stays dormant for as long as possible.
It's cool you researched it!
Love from Twerp

Re: Waiting for hospital

Thank you utopia!
Yes I'm in a bed in hospital now.
I was taken by ambulance to a medical hospital due to my dehydration. I was admitted one night there and now I'm in the psych hospital I was waiting for a bed in.
It is good to be in a safe place where I know the nurses and can get support for a little while.
Thank you for checking up on me.
Love from Twerp

Re: Waiting for hospital

@Twerp I am glad you have decent support at hospital and a good friend and NDIS worker. That is really great. 

Smiley Happy

I may have to tie the doctors down to do proper diagnoses soon.  My psychologist said the psychiatrists rarely use questionnaires or tools for diagnosis, but I attended a disability employment service and they sound like they want it all properly documented.  We will see what happens.

Take Care of YOU

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