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Something’s not right

rosey
Contributor

What is the right thing to do?

Hi first time poster and scared for my ex.

About 2 months ago my partner of 12 yrs. left me. It’s a long story but over the last year or 2 he has pulled away, lost sex drive, stopped socialising, pushed friends away, was never happy, got angry frequently and was unable to show any compassion or empathy even towards me and my family when my grandfather passed. He was depressed and found no joy in things. He has now hit the bottle, acting uncharacteristically (like a teenager) and only looks at today and not the future. He says there is no us right now but won’t commit to us being done for good. Says he doesn’t know who he is and just isn’t happy.

Since our separation he has started to follow in his mum’s footsteps. She passed away early this year from her illness. She had several mental conditions but the main being Borderline Personality Disorder. I never thought of it while we were together- maybe I was too close or didn’t want to see it, but since being apart I have seen his behaviour mimic hers over and over. He is extremely reluctant to get help although he has said he would a few times it never eventuates. He is not the man I know him to be. He has changed before my eyes.

My question is... what is my role? He has very little family to support him- he relied on mine for the last 10+ yrs. and he keeps his mates at a distance. No one can see the whole picture- he manipulates his life so no one ever sees what’s wrong. I haven't reached out to his mates or brother as I’m scared to push him further away. I still love him and care about him and if I’m right and he is sick, it is his worst nightmare. He has always been so anti mental illness (for himself) due to seeing his mum suffer and have her life implode due to BPD. She got divorced, could no longer work, in and out of inpatient care, abuse her sons, became an absentee parent, abuse medication, alcohol and drugs, couldn't handle day to day tasks, hated being in public and relied on her sons for pretty much everything. He has made it his life’s mission to not be her and here he is denying anything is wrong which is exactly what she did at first.

Do I reach out to his mates or brother or his step dad who divorced his mum when she did what he has done to me to him? He's pushed me away and made it clear he doesn’t want my help. Although wants to be friends (but treats me horribly in the process). Meanwhile I’m feeling guilty and concerned (on top of heartbroken and depressed) like I'm watching someone wanting to jump off a bridge and not say a word- just letting them do it. My friends say it’s not my place and don’t understand BPD and he won’t talk to me.

What is my responsibility here? I love him and want what’s best but do I have to let him go and do it his way or am I responsible to speak up or act. I am genuinely concerned he has BPD or at least something along those lines.

Many thanks

46 REPLIES 46

Re: What is the right thing to do?

Your first sentence says everything unfortunately. You are his ex .... there is not much you can do other than what you have been doing already which is talking to him, his family and friends. I wish I could say more but I can't hopefully someone else will have something brighter to add to the conversation.

Re: What is the right thing to do?

Thanks Greenpea.

At this stage I have't reached out to his family and friends yet as I'm not sure it is my place. After so long it's hard to know what the bourndaries are.

 

Re: What is the right thing to do?

@rosey It is a tough one ... only you know what you can or cannot live with ... just remember he is your ex for a reason.

Re: What is the right thing to do?

Hello @rosey,

It sounds like a really difficult time with your ex-partner. How are things going now?

I have tagged you over here as @dands26 has also recently parted ways with her partner. Although your stories are different, I thought the two of you might be able to share some ideas.

I’m also wondering if you have support for yourself as it sounds like things have been hard for a while. There are organisations that provide support to friends and family of people living with mental illness, including Carers Australia, Mind and the Mental Illness Fellowship.

I hope you are doing OK  Heart

Re: What is the right thing to do?

Hi @rosey

I see that @Acacia had tagged me over here and i have just read your situation. 

I have just had my partner leave me due to his mental illness however our situations are different. 

He has asked me to be his friend and support him and he hasnt closed off to us getting back together either. 

 

All i can say is.. 

It is very hard to relearn the boundaries once you have been in an initimate relationship.

Firstly i think if he wishes to remain his friends you need to discuss and set down what the boundaries of this friendship are. 

Secondly.. in terms of helping him, unfortunately sometimes you cant help somebody who is not open to be helped. I know that seems very harsh. My partner was very closed off to help also, he has only just realised that it is in his best intrest. 

Also get somebody to talk to yourself, somebody qualified and impartial to your situation. 

It can be a very hard time and friends can be very close minded to the situation. They will look at whats best for you and not an overall picture. 

If you wish to talk further i will happily reply. 

 

Re: What is the right thing to do?

@dands26 it seems our stories are the same but different. I have been getting help myself and have realised I have things I have to deal with as well I just dont think I need to be on my own for it. Rather I think being on my own is making things worse. I am lucky I have my parents, he doesnt have anyone.

My x seems to be acting typically of mid-life crisis but def see PTSD and depression there. I have spoken to a Psychologist about his behaviour- as neutral as possible and that was also what she suggested (with out me making any suggestions) and seemed very concerned for him. Hes now hitting the bottle and behaving very uncharacteristically. It scares me, especially with his family history of mental health. It doesnt suprise me he has said he doesnt know who he is, he lost his mother, doesnt know who his biological father is and had a pretty horrid childhood, he has also got successful very early in his career and now doesnt have that much further he can climb so has little asperations any more.

I am taking the advise and giving him his space and allowing him to do this alone. Its killing me slowly everyday. Trying to accept that by doing nothing is helping is very hard. I dont think he is intentionally hurting me (friends say he isnt) but it hurts all the same. I still love him and want a relationship with him but am stuck in this limbo unitl he lets me know what he wants in the foresable future. I only know what he wants today which is to be separated so thats what I have to give him whether its good for my mental health or not, my health just doesnt seem to matter. He is still not ready to talk or reach out for help so not a lot I can do. Just try and help myself as best I can so if he ever decides to talk I'm ready.

Do you know what made your partner change his mind about getting help?

Re: What is the right thing to do?

My partner hadnt been in a long term relationship before me.
So from what he has told me he was struggling being in a relationship and dealing with his illness so to be able to be in a relationship he needed to not be in one and get the help he needs.
We havent ruled out never getting back together and he does understand the risk hes taken as he may not be ready for 12mnths and by then i might just want to stay friends.
So with that and the constant broken feeling hes had for years it gave him enough strength i guess the word is to decide to commit fully to getting help.
The difficult thing was he sort of gave me an ultermatium.
So he did say to me if i couldnt continue to support him on a friends level he didnt know how to try and he felt he had nobody.

My partners dad died when he was 7 & his mum is moving interstate.
So to stay here he needs me to still be there.
Im like u i have my parents he doesnt have anyone.
However im lucky that he still wants me around and is open to my support and is also open with me as to what is happening

Re: What is the right thing to do?

Also can i suggest to take this time to focus on you.
I know how much it hurts when you want the relationship but they dont. I also know how much it affects and makes you question your own mental health.

However i have learnt that i can't be the friend he needs me to be and help my mr through his depression and ptsd if i dont look after myself.
So i think that the fact you have already started working on you is great. Continue that.

Work on you. Then you will be able to be there for him and help him when he is ready for the help.

Re: What is the right thing to do?

@roseyHis grief will be huge, and we all grieve in different ways.  He may pull himself out of it, but you should keep a boundary about how he treats you.  The best thing is to work on yourself and develop your own life and leave an opening if he wants to reconnect.  Getting others involved would probably just complicate things and may make matters worse.

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