Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[CS_8]

I've been in an unbalanced relationship for 3 years. I did not know who to reach out to because every time I tried to talk to anyone about my situation was turned around and used against me by my partner. I met him in a 12 step group for people affected by a loved one's addiction. In three years I've observed frightening thought patterns, behaviors, and even gotten tangled in some physical violence with this person. It is very difficult because there are moments when he is the most peaceful, funny, gental and loving human being I've ever encountered and other times he is callous, delusional, paranoid, angry and very offensive. I've become so tired and so affected that I can see parts of my own peace and sanity slipping away. Whenever there is an issue that needs to be address he avoids it by intellecualization, projection, blame and tangent-like digressions of thought. My best chance to survive this is by physically moving away from him most likely, but I am afraid of the damages I have recieved emotionally, psychologically and behaviorially from being exposed to him for so long and also not being aware of what was happening. I loved and trusted him so much that even though I argued, I eventually caved whenever he'd turn things around on me and make me believe that it was me with all the issues. 

He is involved in a long and seeminglly neverending series of court proceedings involving children, divorce, fraud, custody battle, and alleged charges. In every piece of information I hear from him, his is the victim in every single situation he is in. Even with me. I do also understand that his ex-wife (the alcoholic) also suffers from severe issues as well. I'm not sure if there individual issues worsened with one another, or exposure to one another caused trauma in the other, or that his wife is actually the sane one, or even that two severely affected individual came together and their illnesses snowballed together. I just know what I observe in him as my partner now, and the possibility of the present day effects from exposure to extreme trauma. 

I've read through his psycholical file from 2011-2014 of court ordered psychological services including: therapy, victim of domestic violence program, batterers program (which the letters say he did not complete) anger management, and psych evals. Not one of his evaluations was able to diagnose him with anything in particular. It seems he presents as distressed, anxious but otherwise normal but all the doctors or counselors he's been exposed to have yet to find an accurate diagnosis for him. Yet he continues to be ordered to more therapy and evaluations even I, as his partner have noticed things that make me beleive something is definitely not right.  

His perceptions can be very far from reality based at times, and paranoid. He gets into these modes where it is impossible to get anything through to him. That's when he goes into flipping thing around on the other person and blaming and projection and tangents that have nothing to do with the actual issue at hand.

I don't know what to do anymore but the simplest of requests are met with hurtful or flat out ignoring of my communication of discomfort. I've gotten validation from 12-step program members, I myself have not been diagnosed with anything although when I was younger my parents insisted there was something wrong with me and brought me to multiple doctors (psychiatrists, pyschologists) that said I was bright and intellegent and kind and did not give me any perscriptions or diagnosis of anything. I also know that these problems only occur in this relationship with my partner. My other relationships are healthy and normal.

I am tired, depressed, exhausted, and am becoming hopeless. It is as if the happiness has been drained from me because my own ability to discern reality from allegations from a very ill, manipulative loved one has caused my own truth and sense of good judgement to be clouded. I feel confused and insecure and broken down by this exposure. The lost of hope or caring about anything has weighed me down. I stopped caring about most things because whenever I care about anything it seems to be used against me. I am starting to believe his ill thinking and perception is contagious. The world I was so sure of taking on each day has been turned upside down on it's head for me ever since this person walked into my life.

[CherryBomb]

Dear CS_8,

When you’ve been on a roller coaster, going up and down and around in circles for a few years, it can be hard for you to know what stable ground is anymore. By this, I mean, it seems that you are not sure what to think or to know anymore. But one thing that seems clear for you is that you’re feeling worn down and exhausted.  Sometimes, when things get overwhelming, it can be helpful to let go of trying to figure out what to think, and focus on working on our feelings, and how we want to feel.

One way of doing this is by taking some time out to chat to others about how we’re doing. Particularly, if we are not feeling heard or understood it can be helpful to seek people out who can listen and understand. Sometimes writing things down can help you see things a new way, or just even process it – as you’ve done by coming on here and sharing ;). What are other peoples’ thoughts on this? Any other suggestions?

Also, there are a few services that may be able to provide some assistance. Relationships Australia provides specialized support to people who are experiencing conflict and difficulties in their relationships. If your partner doesn’t want to go, then it’s ok to get the ball rolling and go yourself. Often counseling can help put things into perspective. You mentioned, that you have sometimes been tangled in physical violence, remember, that this is never ok no matter how mad anyone gets. If you feel unsafe or threatened, both emotionally and/or physically please contact support services such as 1800respect. Both these services also have great resources on their websites that you may also find useful.

When relationships are tough and things don't seem quite right, it can be hard knowing where to do turn to. So I'm glad that you have come on here and shared your experience. I hope some of the information on here is useful.  

[swift]

CS_8 - you seem to have a lot of self awareness in your situation, and that's a really good thing. If you're like me however, you might make the mistake, as I have previously, of thinking that because you are aware of many things, that this in itself is a kind of action.

What I'm trying to say is that it might be a really good idea to go to a counsellor (via a GP and thier referal - so you can get the government subsidy) and talk through what actions you can take to move yourself to a better place with, or without this person in your life.

I've used this psychologist referal service before - http://www.psychology.org.au/ReferralService/About/ - and found some really good counsellors that way. Maybe give it a try?

I agree with CherryBomb, violence is never OK and maybe a call to Respect.org - https://www.1800respect.org.au/ - will be a helpful place for you to start as well.

Anyhow, just want you to know you're not alone, and that its great you have come here to discuss what you're going through. I think that's brave and constructive. I hope that you put yourself first in this, its important that you pursue your own great opportunities in life.

[morningstar]

Hi CS_8, it sounds like you've made a big step to helping yourself by getting your situation written down in black and white. It's not our place to be giving relationship advice here, but I'd really echo the others' suggestion to give Respect a call, and to talk to people to get another perspective on your situation. Sometimes we get so used to a situation, it's hard to imagine it could be so different. It helps to ask yourself, 'does it have to be like this?' and if not, 'what can I do to change it and make my life happier?' It's easy to dish out advice, I know, but good luck with this.

[PeppiPatty]

Hello how are you?
when I write...this is not your fault....you'll le probably turn your heard and use your fingers to delete my message. So instead.... Ille start with.... 'This person is taking advantage of your good nature.'
And 'he knows not what he does '.

These are my ideas....

So...how do you move forward during the day ? Slowly.
Get a large piece of paper and hour by hour record what you will do tomorrow.

It means recording on your piece of paper for hour after hour, things like...
Sit down. Have a.cup of water.'
Are you able to your GP and finding out if you qualify for silver chain to help you get your home clean and helping you define the meaning....'be kind to yourself'
Stay strong precious lady. You are worth more than that

I've got Silver chain coming over twice per week. It's really good. My two support workers are wonderful and very beneficial for my day to day well being.
.

[NikNik]

Hi justanother47,

Can you tell us abit more about Silver Chain? I haven't heard about it before. Do you need a referral from your GP or can you go to them directly? What is the extent of their service?
Thanks for the tip.

[PeppiPatty]

Hello,
delighted to write about silver chain.
I am a consumer. About two years ago, went to see my GP. I did not keep on track with the request but when I moved home I saw another GP and the procedure was very quick, took about two weeks to get the service.
GP sends a letter HACK, and requested for help for the clients day to day well being.
what I personally requested for was three hours of social support
for motivation reasons and one and a half hours cleaning once per week.
the support group...HACK calls from the suburb the client resides in and comes in for an Interview.
this is very nice. No, problems. the only discomfort I had was to be honest and admit that I was not coping and I needed help in managing my life.I chose the agency Silver Chain and I couldn't be happier.
the bill is greatly reduced for myself as on a disability pension.

the two ladies come in once per week. I personally requested middle aged ladies. I asked for a cleaner but I work with her and I am amnaging at keeping the place cleaner than in years.
My support person comes, she helps me manage my dinners, and also work towards working on my craftwork or whatever interests me as I would love to be able to sell my craftwork one day.

[ivana]

What is the context of the "paranoia" that he is expressing?

There is "real" paranoia in the sense that the individual has bizarre beliefs that are improved and highly unlikely.
For example, a person might believe the CIA has installed cameras in their wall to spy on them.

Or there is a different kind where a person may feel "paranoid" that their partner is cheating on them and/or make accusations.
This often stems from insecure attachments in relationships and the individual might have been cheated on in the past,or felt abandoned as a child.

While this is the persons "issue",
at the same time,something attracted their partner to them.
So if this is your situation it might be a good idea for you to see a therapist alone to figure out what is it in you that "attracted" you to that person and some help with coping skills.

[PeppiPatty]

How are you tonight ?