Lived Experience Forum

[greenpea]

Hi everyone I desperately need some advice on dealing with my mother. I cannot believe I have hit 52 and I am still asking for advice on how to deal with her but here I am. She is coming up tomorrow to visit and basically told me that she did not want to hug my daughter or go out for coffee with her because my daughter (suffering depression) does not wash her hair and has some dandruff in it.

She told me basically to deal with it. She said she was embarrassed by my my daughter ... Luckally my daughter has something else on so it shouldnt be an issue but it really hurts that she, my mother, grandmother to my children, can be so shallow, I mean who cares on what my daughter looks like. My mother is no oil painting either but my daughter doesnt judge her.

Plus I had a neighbour tell me I was letting myself go ... whilst looking at my stomach. Wonderful. Real life sucks. I am not impressed by it at all. 

[Zoe7]

Hey GP - that is so unfair from your mother ...and your neighbour @greenpea Sometimes people just do not think about the hurt they cause others with what they say. Try to ignore your neighbour - they probablly have their own issues going on to be like that with you Hon  As for your mother and daughter - are you able to talk to her about what your daughter is dealing with and how inappropriate it would be to say any of that to her or will she brush off what you have to say?

...selfishly I am pleased to see you back... missed my little pea buddy 

[greenpea]

@Zoe7 Hey Zoe7 🙂 in the past my sister and mother shunned my daughter from a Christmas party becauase she is transgender. I said at the time if my daughter wasnt able to attend then I wouldnt either. They didnt get it ... they just dont get it. My mother is all about appearances, whereas I am over that so many other things to worry about than what somene looks like. She just said to me I dont know how you are going to do it but I dont want to hug her whilst her her is like that and used the 'Ugh' word to describle my daughter ... 

[Zoe7]

No wonder you are so upset @greenpea - that shows a complete lack of understanding for the basic rights of every individual to be who they want to be - I am angry for you. It is a shame that we have people like that in our lives and it is even harder when they are someone like your mother and sister. You and your daughter both deserve so much more respect! 

[greenpea]

@Zoe7 Thanks Zoe7. My daughter is my rock. We are so close. She supports me in so many ways. I would forigve her anything particularly not washing her hair ... what do I do? I am not good at talking about these kinds of things. As my mother just doesnt get it so I ignore it and that is what I do best. It still hurts though when I think about it. She is just so out of line.

@Snowie thanks for the likes Snowie. Hope you are keeping well.

[Snowie]

@greenpeaI am super sorry that you are going through this. Some people are just so ignorant.

Firstly tell the nieghbour to go shove it. How dare someone say that to you. Unfortunately some people here are so insensitive. I would tell you to ignore them, but I know how hurtful words can be sometimes.

Your mother seems to be very judgemental and have no clue what you and your daughter go through daily. She is the one missing out on her own grand daughter. My mother is extremely judgemental of myself, my children, the way I raise them and will take every opportunitiy to tell me so. I know how hard this can be to deal with. If she does not want a relationship with your daughter than unfortunately I don't think anything you say to her will change her mind. Sounds like she has her opinion and nothing will change that.

Once again I am sorry that you have to go through this, but glad you still have the forum here for support.

I don't like seeing my little green pea or her children hurting. Just please remember that you are an amazing mum and your children are lucky to have you.

[Zoe7]

I echo what @Snowie has said @greenpea - and just keep being you Hon. 

[greenpea]

@Snowie Thanks Snowie. Think of me tomorrow wont you when I have to sit there and listen to her critize my poor daughter who as far as she is concerened does everything wrong. What is the saying 'if you cannot say anything nice dont say anything at all' people really need to take that on board and use it more often.

[greenpea]

@Zoe7 Thanks Zoe7 🙂

[Zoe7]

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow too @greenpea