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Something’s not right

Former-Member
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Re: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Adge, really, amazing how we can connect because we've lived it. Try do some grounding mindfulness (5 senses) Glad I can help someone a little. Keep taking those deep breaths. Hugz 💙

Re: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

@outlander, thanks for the encouragement, I'm proud of myself today. Had a few terrible days, mabe lot longer. Forgot dr apt Friday, and counsellor Wednesday :face_with_rolling_eyes: Somewhat out of it, My girls B'day in a week, I get weird, lost. Thats why in surprised I got to church.
Made a minor change to routine that I think is helping. First thing I sit in the sun outside to have my morning Cuppa. Therapeutic affect I think.
Have your fire threats eased? Are you recovered from oral surgery?

Re: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member 💜💕💙🌻🌻🌻

Re: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

@outlander 💙💜❤️

Re: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

My hips have seized up the morning... all sorts of new aches and pains going on lately. Hard to keep mind off it. Depressed people are hard to be around, i get it, sorry for that peeps, don't know my way out. Kinda stuck to it, nothing more can be done really, since it's all up to me..
My horrible bro2 sent nasty letter, wishing I was dead. He's in thick with sis who won't talk to me (they have each other), the youngest 2bros so caughbup in their drugs, schizophrenia delusionals and monee wows they can't even ask how I am. Bro2+sis (who have no time for Bro3+4)  Probably hoping I die so they get to split my share of inheritance when dad passes. That's where their heart seem to be. I sure could do with family, but not this kind of treatment. Ive gven them enough of me. I was alwwys babysitting them for mum as a child... bottles and nappies everywhere... Now, my self  imposed exile (🤔or did they run me out of town), either way, here I am on my own still searching for purpose, somewheres to love and be loved, for more than a meetings worth. Got a feeling it's never coming.

Re: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

Morning @Former-Member   ... you sound really down this morning.  Such a shame when you sounded so upbeat only yesterday.  Really sorry that another letter from your bro2 appears to have pummeted you back into the depths of despair.  So wrong and so unfair of your family.  Unfortunately we are not able to pick our family members.  Some people just have no empathy or understanding and are only out for what they can get.  Sounds like your family are just that, and the less you have to do with them ... probably the better.  I know we need people .. someone to talk to, someone to share things with, someone to love us and for us to love in return.  But when relationships (family or otherwise) cause as much pain as you are enduring, then we can definitely do without that.

 

How is your garden going?  Mine is going great right now.  I have used some of my baby spinach, and also some corriander on my thai green curry last night.  Carrots are growing quickly ... or at least the bits above the ground are.  Not going to pull in up to see whats happening underneath yet.  They will be a while yet I think.  But I have some assorted types of lettuce which is nearly ready to use as well.  Just in time for salad season.  I have some more seedlings which will soon need planting out ... including beetroot and tomatoes.  Gotta find a spot for them yet though.

 

Today I have to go into town ... collect scripts from the chemist, and also to see if I can buy some sealant for 2 of my diamond paintings which I will be giving away to my Dad and my brother.  If I get to visit them in a couple of weeks I want the pics ready to go ... sealed and framed.  I also need some new undies (knickers and bra, as my old ones are getting pretty worn out) .. and there is a shop near the craft supplies place.  Might pop in and see what I can find there.

 

The smoke here this morning has returned unfortunately. The fireys are probably doing some back burning to maintain their containment lines of the fires.  Hope a breeze springs up soon and takes the smoke away.

 

I hope you are okay EOR ... please do what you need to do in order to stay safe, and seek help if you need it.

 

Sherry 💕

Re: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi Sherry, 

I am in a slump, trusting it will pass as it always does at some point. Did I sound upbeat yesterday🤔... I do try hard. But the other stuff is just under the surface this week. 

 

Thanksfor your empathy re bro2's evil arrowsvto my heart, and my sisters silence. Yes, maybe i did unknowly let words trigger me... "pummet me into despair"  (sin  youapparently), but to be fair, there's also an anniversary pulling me under  this week. 

 

My grown up siblings behaviour has been harder to take than expected. Yes, unfair, but not even logical. 

 

No, we DON'T pick our family... and in terms of love... I'm giving up those relatives will ever be 'family' to me. Empathy is weakness to them...   love, support, even understanding is surrender to them. They seek mostly control, power and personal gain around me, it's awful. Attitude 😟 Really hope I'm not deluded in thinking I'm different (think it's my faith, my relationship in Jesus, and years of mostly well meaning good church people).

 

ATM it has become a matter of survival to have less to do with everyone, especially relatives  (naught would be best with the later). Why has it been so hard to sever certain toxic people? Love I guess, and a need for people, to belong somewhere... As you say:

"someone to talk to... someone to share things with...  someone to love...  and someone to love us back..."

I like how you put that... all the things my idea of 'family' should be. Not even my husband was good at these things (Aspergers😞 I believe). But I am learning to stay away from it, look elsewhere, within (more within than elsewhere). 

 

I do wonder if human perspective of others is more subjective than based in reality,  this Bro2 also bags the way i grieved mum, telling people i "didnt blink an eye" - when he never sat with me over coffee for 5minutes. A long standing misogynist by the way. Hates my christian beliefs and bigger wasteline. My sister, a Sunday Christian, sadly sees me as toxic according to what I see on Facebook, because of MI, she's made it so much cheaper worse. Clinical Depression requires supernatural love, patience, longsuffering and wisdom at times. Who can expect so much of anyone. Much less of those who don't love us, or know God... Do you know God Sherry?

 

🌱 My garden is going ok, but dry with L5 water restrictions. I pick lettuce from it for my salmon sandwiches, and like to freshen my breath munching mint leaves. I  love the different smells when I crush a leaf on the different herbs - Not sure which is which since the standing garden got blown  over by the storm, mixing up the labels. It is good to watch the growth happen.  

 

Its very cool that you have baby spinach, and corriander... i haven't got them. There must be some way to tell when carrots are ready to dig up? I have  assorted types of lettuce too as this is the grocery item that goes off so quickly in my fridge. My tomatoe plants are finally shooting up, but no flowers yet. 

 

Enjoy your painting, and shopping experdition. Pitty the smoke is back but hopefully they are just back burning as you say. 

 

I'll be okay... 

I''m safe (no fight left lol). 

Slept most today away.

Finally just had breakfast + pills

 

Reaching out for help is rediculously problematic for me... but I do have you guys... 

 

I know I'm impossible, difficult for most, even here, too real perhaps... so appreciate that you took time to write such a  heartfelt reply. Thank you

💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙

ps. took all day to write this 🙁

Re: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

That was a great post @Former-Member .. full of self awareness, and wisdom.  And knowledge of what makes others tick.  I am cooking dinner right now, so only have limited time to respond at this stage. But I wanted to acknowledge your reply at the very least. 

 

You asked if I know God.  I am not a church goer, never been christened or anything.  Neither of my parents were religious when I was young, nor later in their lives.  But we were brought up with sound christian beliefs I guess you could say.  I am certainly not anti-religion, and know the benefits it can provide to those who turn to it for comfort and advice. At school when we used to have to nominate what religion we were, we were told to say Church of England.  But when compulsory religion was on at school, I used to go to a different group each week ... catholic one week, CofE the next, etc.  I also had a couple of near relatives who were heavily into another religion, christian, but less well known than the run of the mill ones.  So I had my dose of that as well.  At primary school I used to love the bible stories we got read as kids.  But no ... I have never been a particularly religious person.  I see too many supposedly good christians being bad people, so I lost faith in formal religion early on.  I think we can still follow good Christian principals without the need to attend a formal church. But I also know there are a lot of really good people who attend church regularly and do much good in their lives.  It does restore some faith, and I am glad you have that in your life.

 

There has been some further back burning going on around here, but one of the nearby fires has broken out again. So its back to all the aircraft overhead with water buckets etc to do water bombing.  Its been very hot and windy here again today, so fire conditions have been bad again.

 

I planted out some more spinach and beetroot seedlings this afternoon.  Added them to my wheelbarrow.  Just the tomatoes still to plant out, but they wont fit in the barrow, so I need to find somewhere else suitable.  Oh yes .. its so nice to check my little veges every morning.  Its one of the first things I do each morning ... take Holly out and feed my fish in the fish pond, check my little budgies in the aviary, and check and water my little vege seedlings.  Seeing growth is very rewarding, and even more so when you get to use the produce.

 

Anyway, gotta go .. wanted to say ... so pleased you are safe, that you had a sleep during the day, and that you have remembered to take your meds.  Even if it was with a very late breakfast.  And yes ... you do have us here.  💕

 

I really like your new profile pic too.  

 

Sherry 

Re: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

Im abit short on words @Former-Member but im here and listening ❤

Re: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member

"ATM it has become a matter of survival to have less to do with everyone, especially relatives (naught would be best with the later). Why has it been so hard to sever certain toxic people? Love I guess, and a need for people, to belong somewhere".

Yes I can relate to that very much - especially with my childhood SA abuser (cousin) repeatedly trying to harass me. There is no affection whatsoever involved with that connection (I don't want it).

 

"someone to talk to... someone to share things with... someone to love... and someone to love us back..."

- Yes that's what probably motivates my continued contact with Mum & my siblings.

Yet it's rarely reciprocal (with them), nothing comes back.

 

My Mum sees me solely as a source of "free therapy" - to voice all her grievances.

Not as an empathetic (caring person) which I am - who is terribly worn down by listening to Mum's constant grievances.

 

Hugs ((( @Former-Member ))))

Adge

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