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Alianore
Casual Contributor

Help with BPD sister who has exploded and run off

I have no idea what to do so I thought I would ask here since there's real people rather than websites with info that feel distant and cold.

 

My sis has bpd, recently diagnosed but its been active a long while. I have depression and anxiety, diagnosed years ago. So, her behaviour obviously stresses me out further. At lot of the time it feels downright abusive. I'm not complaining about this, or I'll try not to. I'm trying to explain. I'm just in search of answers that I can't get from her or mental illness websites.

 

I only found out about her diagnosis earlier this year when I questioned her about her meds, and that's when she admitted it. I did some basic research and then took a chance to try and empathise. I told her I understand the anxiety aspect, that I was there and care. One day, she explained a little more of her headspace. Ok. I tried to take it on board. She told my mum once she felt guilty with her rage and outbursts. Again, we try and take it on board. I largely decided to ignore them, or brush them off lest I make her feel worse. And the irritation is unhealthy for myself as well. It still hurt of course and often reminded me of my father's emotional abuse. I spoke to my therapist as well about how to cope with both sides.

 

The worry is worse though. Especially with her impulsiveness and non-communicative behaviour. It's been like this for years, likely because she was only recently diagnosed. In those years it felt like she was running away from us, wanting not to live with us unless she had no choice. We always took her in, there was always room for her. Helped financially if she needed it. During this time, we couldn't figure out what her problems were. I confess I thought her spoiled and selfish and impulsive due to being the youngest. We got along better when she lived elsewhere, but still had disagreements. I thought this was because we're different people and siblings. Sometimes, on occasions when she did live with us, it bordered on emotional abuse, but again, I was clueless to the real problem. I still cared and offered her help when she explained she had the same depression and anxiety as I did, which is what she was initially told she was suffering from.

 

Conversations are mostly general home life stuff because anything deeper sets her off. Work sets her off. Hell, some washing set her off, and made me feel like shit and suicidal since she fully directed that one at me even though I'm clearly not stable myself. I research more and try to cope more, be nice, listen and validate her feelings over work problems or friends. I managed to explain, in a small way, that the incident made me feel bad and she accepted it in the sense she said she knew and felt bad.

 

Yet, still she didn't speak up about her feelings in any way. Including that she seemingly left the house one day in an ok manner, but actually went to the ED for suicidal ideation. (We only found out today. More on that later). We try to broach her feelings a few times, when it seems like she's ok, asking general questions calmly as a pathway, but she never really let us press through.

For us it feels like being stuck in a live minefield. She has therapy and medication but she doesn't tell us about her therapy and if it's helping or if her therapist has ways for us to help her. When we support her financially, or emotionally, there's no thank you or acknowledgement. If she goes off, she may apologise to mum but not me. If we have a bad day, we can't let her know or let it affect her.

 

We've been looking after her puppy when she works, a puppy my mum got her so she'd have something to love and care for. It's made her seem better to an extent, but as I have said, it's hard to tell. The puppy adds to stress since its a puppy, but I'm not angry as I love animals and it's nice having it around. If my sis is even a bit better, I'll take that too.

 

She tried to do a nice thing for me as a surprise which overwhelmed me so much I couldn't say no or think clearly in the moment. I felt like I couldn't say no for a variety of reasons. Her impulsiveness had always been directed towards herself before this, I had no way to foresee this. I know this gesture was supposed to be well-meaning, and to give me something the way her puppy has for her.

 

The surprise, a pet, made me more anxious because I have little money, little items of necessity for it, I felt like I wasn't connecting. When it had a small medical issue I felt 100 times worse. Like I shouldn't have it. I felt guilty for not being appropriately grateful. I felt anxious about her finding out I was having trouble. I didn't want to hurt her, or the pet inadvertently. I had only just started considering a pet, an cursory glance and a few off-hand mentions.

 

But she found out I was struggling and got angry at me for being ungrateful since she'd gone to the trouble. I tried to explain that I was overwhelmed and confused and trying. But she stormed out of the house and kept saying I should return the pet and didn't deserve it.

 

I spent two days thinking very hard and it was best I didn't have the pet, because she was gorgeous and didn't deserve someone like me. I also looked up info on BPD again, sites and studies to try and understand more and cope. Admittedly, I also swung into feeling angry and overlooked. That I spend a lot of my time considering her emotions and how best to deal with them, but that effort has never been returned.

 

After she came home I thought she knew I had returned the pet (that the refund had cleared) and thus believed it best to let her be. If she wanted to ignore me, or hate me, it was ok. It took a while for my mum to realise she didn't know. My mum tries but doesn't understand mental illness and the abuse she received from my father makes confrontation hard for her. She couldn't bring herself to say anything because she didn't want to hurt my sister. 

 

My sister found out today, went off, and after trying to be calm and explaining it was best and I would return the rest of the money, but I couldn't care for the pet since my own issues made it difficult she began abusing me. I flipped out from all the stress I've had and it exploded from there. After I calmed, I tried to calm her, but obviously it didn't work.

 

She thinks my mum always takes my side, which isn't true. That we made her feel stupid by lying. That we've never cared and she feels like she can't talk to us, that she never could though I'm unclear why due to the shouting blocking out the explanation. I accept we should have said something last night. But hindsight is 20/20 and it wasn't malicious. We were thinking about her and her feelings and how to both validate them and calm them. We don't understand why she's never spoken to us properly over the years, or more recently, or kept moving out. Neither of us has ever said she shouldn't feel unhappy, or that she's worthless, or that we don't care. We've always tried to help.

 

Now she's left, screaming she hates us, doesn't want anything to do with us. She has no family.

We don't know what to do, where she is, if she's safe. I know she needs space and time.

But I still don't understand any of this. I'm still not even sure why she has BPD, but that's not important now. I don't understand how she can think my mum takes sides. How she thinks we don't care. Or we abandoned her. That we're not trying. I really don't. I want to. I've tried to.

 

Would love an explanation and/or help/aid from a person rather than dot points on a website. I want to understand. Even if it makes me feel worse and she doesn't talk to me again. My mum feels confused and guilty and I want to help her too.

10 REPLIES 10

Re: Help with BPD sister who has exploded and run off

O, my dear @Alianore ,


Fist and foremost, welcome to the forums. 

Next, I want to tell you that I totally understand. Your sister is acting according to the so-called BPD 'script'. Pretty much everything you are describing (emotional turmoil, anger, suicidal ideation etc) links with BPD.

 

Ive lived with BPD for over a decade. I hated it for many years, but now, I'm an actually say I have learnt to live very successfully with BPD - to the point where I am fully functional (if not, more so) in society.

 

In terms of helping your sister when she has run off? Sorry to say, there's little you can do. Talking to someone during BPD 'rage' is like talking to a wall, two bricks thick. The work needs to be done before heightened moments. In other words, strike while the iron's COLD.

 

BPD recovery begins with a borderline realising something is not right, and is seeking to make changes. This work needs to be done by individuals themselves. I underwent 18 months of intensive mentalisation based therapy, and even now (a few years down the track) it continues to be an ongoing work with my private psychologist. BPD requires lengthy talking therapies to help change one's mindset and way of thinking. Medication can HELP, but it definitely does not 'cure' BPD.

 

It's a long journey ahead, but one worth the effort. Underneath, your sister is probably the kindest, most compassionate person who feels deeply.

 

I also welcome you to our BPD thread on Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

 

You are welcome to ask any questions you may have lingering.

 

All the best,

BPDSurvivor

Re: Help with BPD sister who has exploded and run off

@BPDSurvivor 

Thanks for the response.

She has returned but it's obviously early days and frosty. She told my mum she would be nice to her, but ignore me. I'm just going with it to protect my mental health and lessen the potential for fights right now. It's a boundary we need, even if its tense. If she decides to approach me calmly, I'll respond, but it's up to her.

I think she is having some form of BPD therapy, but she's never told me which one her therapist has gone with and I likely won't be able to get this information unless she feels more inclined to make up with our mum. She knows something is wrong, but she seems to be stuck firmly in the black and white, her against the world faze. Everyone else is wrong, she's right in her melodramatic work stories, for example. (We've never degraded these stories or said she's wrong if we feel she is upon occasion. We have validated her points and feelings)

She plans to get her own place, and decided to stay here until she saves. Again, we can't broach the fact she hasn't thought this out, even before this episode. I'm not even sure how to, even if she manages to calm over the next few weeks. On one hand, I am worried and want to look out for her, on the other, maybe without the safety net we provide it may help her realise her impulsiveness keeps hurting her. I know there is a 50/50 chance, in the sense it could also make her worse, especially as she's lost several friends recently.

I think my mum will have a better chance to get through, at some point in the future, but I'd need to coach her and I'm just looking for advice to get through these next few weeks.

Thanks for the welcome and the understanding. I am glad you've come to a place you're more comfortable with your bpd, gives me some hope.

Re: Help with BPD sister who has exploded and run off

Hi @Alianore ,

 

As a borderline, I struggled immensely with communication, setting/keeping boundaries and relationships. My love/hate for people was so deep, yet so rocky. I never knew what I'd be the next second.

 

Even today, I still find myself having black/white thinking, but I am more aware of this and can hence n'ip it in the bud before I fall into a downward spiral of destruction.

 

I have learnt so much about life by just having BPD. I can say I understand myself and people on a much deeper level. I can look back and see how far I have come. I no longer hate my life. Instead, I look forward to learning more each day.

 

I wish I could do more for people with BPD, and their carers. Lived experience is invaluable. 

Re: Help with BPD sister who has exploded and run off

@BPDSurvivor 

Is there anything I can do in particular or does she have to realise herself that she's spiralling?

She's come home, but ignores me, got upset at the fact I accepted this boundary. She's returned a Christmas present, ripped up photos. Seems paranoid about her puppy.

I'm not engaging her. She's spoken to our mother in normal ways until attacking her for bulbs she planted that mum didn't realise could be toxic to dogs.

It's a very frustrating and confusing situation. Any insight or advice would help, even if it's to let her be.

Re: Help with BPD sister who has exploded and run off

@Alianore ,

 

Sorry to hear how things are. Rest assured, it IS very BPD. 

 

I remember when I flew into fits of rage and also tore up photos.

 

What she'd probably benefit from is a quick message to say "I know you feel hurt. I know I have upset you. But I'm here for you if you ever need me." That's it. Dont stress if she doesn't reply. She just needs to know you are there even when she 'misbehaves'. Remember, it doesn't take much for her to fly off the handle... but this also means it doesn't take much to melt her heart. 

One thing I certainly appreciated from my supports was that when I was angry, they'd tell me "I can see you are upset now. I care very much, so how about I contact you in an hour?" By doing this, both parties were protected. They didn't give me enough room/time to abuse them, yet they also showed they cared by telling me that and giving me a date/time they would get back to me. 

Let your borderline have a say about dates/times etc. It helps them feel like they are in control. E.g would you like me to talk to you on the phone or face to face? 

Any sort of this type of questioning empowers the borderline so they don't go to extreme measures to feel in control (SH, impulsive habits, aggression).

 

Hope this helps a little.

 

I know it is so hard to watch a borderline go through these ups and downs, but imagine what's going on in their head?

 

Stay strong. Keep your boundaries set. Do what you say and say what you do - if you make a promise, keep it. Model what effective communication should look like...

 

Hope this helps a bit.

 

BPDSurvivor

Re: Help with BPD sister who has exploded and run off

How are things, @Alianore ?

 

Thinking if you.

Re: Help with BPD sister who has exploded and run off

Hey @BPDSurvivor 

Thanks for thinking of me. I'm grateful for your advice!

It's still early days, but my sister is talking to our mum and relying on her a bit. Even allowed comfort.

She still won't acknowledge me though. I imagine that it'll be a while longer, and I may have to do something big to prove myself. At the moment though, I am a bit annoyed, not that she's ignoring me, but that she's getting worse, not seeing her fault, but it's okay. I know it's black and white thinking, and space and time will help. It has to come from her at this point.

Hope you're doing ok

 

Re: Help with BPD sister who has exploded and run off

Hi @Alianore ,

 

Your sister is not well. I know your sister's actions hurt, but please don't take them as personal attacks.

 

I don't believe you have to do anything 'big'. Borderlines read in and through people. Even a smile can switch their frame of mind. I remember closing doors was a trigger for me. If I ever saw a door close, no matter how happy I was, I'd suddenly switch.

 

So please don't try too hard to do that extra big thing because it might just blow all back in your face.

 

It's a long road ahead, but there's also great rewards.

 

BPDSurvivor

Re: Help with BPD sister who has exploded and run off

Hi

I can identify with you. My daughter acts in similar ways.

My biggest struggle is to look after myself, and I think you are the same.

Remember you cannot cure her, and you must put your own mental health as your major concern.

She will always see herself as the victim. 

As hard as it is, you need to give yourself space and protect yourself.

As your sister has been diagnosed with BPD she may get help when her anger abates.

My daughter does not see she has any problem, its just all of her family who sees it.

She has excluded us from her life (again) for the past 3 years because of something she feels we did. Of course her behaviour was extreme with rages etc at the time, but she sees herself as the victim, as your sister does.

Its very painful but the only way forward for each of us, is to put ourselves first,

Your mother may one day learn to do the same.

Best wishes

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