I have some understanding of what you mean although I may not experience it the same way as you.
Not sure if fixit brain is helpful but I’d like to try by breaking down your statement.
I might like someone and want to talk to them.......it’s a big part of being human, wanting connection with others.
but that's bad because I shouldn't want that.........maybe this needs to be thought about. If it’s a human need why shouldn’t you want that?
so I have to police myself to not talk to them which makes me upset.............is this about fear and self protection too. For me I go through the anxieties of why would that person want to talk to me, what if they start avoiding me, what if it’s ok and then I feel needy or they think I’m needy (insert all social anxieties here)
which is even more reason to be ashamed by the intensity of the feeling which I shouldn't even have in the first place..... the feeling in the first place is perfectly normal to want to talk to someone and connect. There is nothing to be ashamed about for that part.
I get scared to connect with others because I’m so scared of being seen as needy. I get scared of others being needy. It wasn’t always like this for me but is very much so since I’ve been unwell. I think now I get more scared about being 'seen' and that all my faults will be what the people see. Being vulnerable and being 'seen' is one of the scariest parts. It’s much easier to avoid than go through it, BUT life in isolation isnt that great either. Im only very recently confronting some of those fears. Safe connection and attachment are pretty big issues that are at the core of lots of stuff. Like @CheerBear I’m only just beginning to look and learn about this stuff too.
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