@BPDSurvivor  thank you I am sorry you are having toruble as well. 

@Gazza75  thank you I am trying I know it is likely at least partly stress. It is both physical and emotional but i have a lot of trouble explaining this feeling but it is very distracting. 

@greenpea  yes freedom is something people take for granted and dont realise they have until they have lost it. for me the psych system restrictions on my freedom where unnerving, it was like you could still watch the rest of the world doing things and being free but you could only watch and never really be a part of it. like you are stuck behind a glass screen people can see and hear you and you can see and hear them but there is something blocking you only you are told there isnt and you spend the whole time trying to figure out how to get out of the invisible box. it was also the sheer terror that is still with me to this day that at any moment people could show up at my door and take me to a horrible place and hurt me with no consequneces to them just because they felt like it. because really they only need their word to imprison you there is no checks or balances on the system and there is no one to make sure it is fair and all follows the legal guidelines. no one will believe you and the people making the decisions will cover for each other. anyway the way they take your freedom is unusual and to me sickening because it is done under the guise of "care and help" but is really just a form of social control and punishment for socially unacceptable behaviour. but thats just my opinion/experience. I do hope you can get your freedom back.