Topic Tuesday - NOW OPEN - Is life not going the direction you thought? A discussion about the loss a carer experiences

[CherryBomb]

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@Tatsinda wrote:
Sorry I'm late to the discussion. What I would like to ask is, what are some practical ways of processing the grief that comes with life not going the way you thought t was? Raising kids with a depressed partner has been such a challenge and family life is so different to what I expected. I really feel sad about the reality vs the dream I had for myself and my kids. I also feel sad that my life has more challenges than a standard marriage, that I see many of my friends having. I don't know what to do with these feelings.

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Great question @Tatsinda 

I'm going to point this in the direction of our guest speaker @Former-Member , and our experienced carers @Viv and @3forme - what are your thoughts?

[Former-Member]

Hi Mrs C thanks for your post - it sounds like a very confusing situation to be in with your husband with lots of difficulties in communication. It's tough if you aren't able to have a conversation with him and he wont stay in counselling with you. I'm glad to hear from your later post that you are seeing a psychologist. I hope that they are giving you some stratgies to cope.

[CherryBomb]

'Acceptance' - great advice @Rjb !

[3forme]

Hi Sarah, I found being around other carers so comforting. I don't think I had ever felt so lonely in my life and thought I was the only one feeling the grief and the terrible sense of loss at seeing my "little girl" become a complete stranger to me.

The grief wasn't only for the hopes and dreams that she had lost, but for our loss too. Sometimes only another carer truly "gets it".

I found counselling helpful. I have also done some some art therapy and creative writing with other carers and found it really helpful for my own recovery.

[CherryBomb]

TIME CHECK! 

Only 25 minutes to go!

If you've got any thoughts, questions, or posts to write up, please share them round! 

[Former-Member]

Thanks for your post @Tatsinda . It's a great question - how do you actually practically deal with grief? The answer is that it is a very personal thing and there is no secret formula. Some people are very expressive with how they cope with loss and find that talking about with with others helps enourmously. Others are less talkative but might express themselves in other more personal ways. Unfortuately dealing with loss often involves pain as we can't go under or over it - we have to go through it. If you feel that you're not able to see a way through, it's a good idea to talk to a counsellor and a trusted person to get some support. Also it's quite normal to take time out to NOT think about what you have lost and to avoid the pain of those things. Taking time to do things you enjoy and that are nuturing for you is increadibly important.

[Viv]

@Tatsinda wrote:
Sorry I'm late to the discussion. What I would like to ask is, what are some practical ways of processing the grief that comes with life not going the way you thought t was? 

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Hi Tasinda,

I agree acceptance is the clue. But that is an easy word to say. The concept itself is another issue and for me it involved a prolonged process of thinking and working things through. "Give me the grace to accept the things that I cannot change" is a key. The trick was in changing myself.

"Give me the strength to change what I can. The grace to accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference between the two."

What is Radical Acceptance? It is a key concept in Ddialectical Behaviour Therapy. Try googling for ideas 😉

[Rjb]

Thanks everyone, was a good first experience, thanks for sharing your wisdom with me

[Viv]

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@3forme wrote:

Hi Sarah, I found being around other carers so comforting. 

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To meet regularly with other carers is so good for me. To be with others who understand.

[CherryBomb]

For me, when I was experiencing a grief, a counsellor explained the stages of grief. It's not a linear process, and it doesn't 'cure' grief, but it helped me normalise my experience and know that what I was going through was part of the process to move through to a new beginning and a level of acceptance.

Where do you think you are at?