Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[KDOtrying]

I would like to start by saying that my partner IS trying. He is seeing 2 Psychologists, a psychiatrist and has a good relationship with his GP. He no longer uses drugs, has given up alcohol and caffeine and takes his medications religiously. I do acknowledge that he really is trying to get his mental health under control.

I used to have endless amounts of empathy and support, but recently I've found it starting to dry up. I work full time to support us, as well as doing all of the cooking and more than my fair share of cleaning. I know that when he has his episodes, it's never about what actually set him off, he would have found something to get upset about because that is just the headspace he is in. But I've just started to have enough of it.

An example from last night was we lost the remote to the DVD player. You would have thought it was the end of the world. I've been setting boundaries and not rushing in to save the day because i realize that he needs to develop the skills to self soothe. And he has been able to do so recently, given an hour or so (as opposed to the days and sometimes weeks it used to take) but my question to you guys is;

Does anyone have any tips on how i can handle MY fury and sadness I feel when these episodes occur? Sometimes i just want to scream at him 'WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO CARRY ON ABOUT?!? I PAY FOR EVERYTHING, I DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE AND YOU CARRY ON LIKE THE THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END BECAUSE WE LOST THE DAMN REMOTE!!!' Do you guys have any tips for not getting sucked in to the hysteria and going on that toxic Rollercoaster ride with him. I used to be more understanding but my temper just seems to be getting shorter and shorter 😞 and i know that reacting to him will just make the situation worse. Thanks for listening

[annie1268]

Im hoping you have a support system, ive only just recently found one and has kept me in a better mental headspace, I use to say i  had to go to the shop but would go to the park scream in the car then have a darn good cry listen to a little bit of music and get my recycled(deodorant or tampons) product from my bag put it in a supermarket bag   and go home a little calmer  and hope the situation had been defused a bit. being constanly everwhelmed is so hard, you have the right to lose control every now and again   i use to lose it every day and id wake up in tears several times a night and eventually had to tell her the impact her behaviour was having on me and if i didnt get some control over it i wouldnt be able to help myself or her..does he ever see the impact it has on you..my daughter use to excuse and forgive herself for all her bad  behaviours because she owned the mental illness, it was hers i couldnt have it , it is a very selfish  illness, my heart goes out to you.can you pop in head phones  play calming musicor loud head banging is good too    

[CherryBomb]

Hi @KDOtrying 

Welcome to the Forums!

It sounds like you're nearing the end of your tether. From what you've written, it seems like you've been holding things to get together; working, and supporting your partner, while being incredibly patient and empathetic. This is great, however it's important to provide support and care to yourself too.

Feeling frustrated, resentful and worn out can point to a need to set boundaries and practice self-care, which can help with managing how you're feeling. You might find this thread, 'I'm pushed to my limit' useful. In this discussion you find articles about boundaries setting. Also,  @3forme and @Purplewife talk about how setting boundaries helped their relationships.

Additionally, you might finding this thread about compassion fatigue helpful. As well this thread, started by @Kiera80 which is about how she felt like she was loosing her compassion. Feel free to contribute to these threads so you can connect with members and share experiences. 

CB

[3forme]

Hi KDOtrying, sounds like you are having a really tough time. Don't know if I'm right but sounds like you're exhausted??

I found that when my daughter first became unwell, I did everything I could to help, and worked 24/7 trying to care for her, and the rest of my family. Just the stress and anxiety of the situation can be exhausting, much more than I ever thought it could be.

I'm wondering if you are taking any time for yourself? I know we all talk about "self care" but its really hard do it. So important though!

I found when I started taking time for myself, I became a better carer. I was less tired, less angry and reacted to things much less. My relationship with my daughter improved and it gave her a chance to be more independent.

I'm wondering if a quiet talk to your loved one, telling him how exhausted you are and maybe asking if he could start doing a few tasks. I asked my daughter to clear the table and put the washing out. OK, she only did it a few times, but it was a start.

I'm also wondering if there are any activities you enjoy? I got back into walking and cycling, and joined a movie group. It was tough the first few times I started doing things, but my daughter got used to it and I think in the long run she has benifited from my "self care" as much as I have.

[Rebecca]

My 17 year old son who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder is driving me crazy. Constant manipuation and bullying. I think I have got to a point I can't take it any longer. All I have been trying to do since his diagnosis, is to support him and the rest of the family and keep the family in order. 

What I feel currently is I want timeout.

[Jo]

The one thing I keep reminding myself during these times is that it is 'the illness' talking and behaving, not the real person. This helps me a lot. I keep saying it over and over again...'This is not my son talking. It is the illness'. Just been through a long period such as this but last week he was hospitalised after attempting to take his life. No medication has worked lately and there's been no improvement since he's been in hospital so today he begins a series of ECT treatments which have always worked miracles in the past. Am very relieved. But I totally empathise with you re the selfishness inherent in depression and depressive episodes. It can be so hurtful. My heart goes out to you.

[Cazzie]

Hi @KDOtrying. My first question to you is do you have your own counsellor? If the answer is no then my advice is for you to find one. ASAP!
I went for over a decade dealing with the short of behaviors you've described from my husband. Although he's relatively high functioning he can't find his fingers without help must of the time.
I can't count the number of times I've wanted to scream at him to just get over it and move on. But since I started with a counsellor late last year in finding out much easier.
Also I have things that are just for me. I quilt, and have my own purpose built shed for it which no-one enters without permission (including my husband). I am also a prolific reader and photographer and am in several groups on Facebook that deal with my specific interests. When my DH (darling husband for the uninitiated) gets too much for me I retire into one of my pursuits and leave him to it until he recovers from his tanty or sulks, as the case may be.
These are my coping mechanisms. We all need to develop our own but I hope it helps you to know that you're not alone.
Oh, one more thing I'm learning is to stop apologising for things that aren't my fault. He's bent out of shape and I'm apologising?! Not any more.