How can I be more confident?

[Sevismo]

I see what you mean @AlwaysMyself. So you just have to be confident that you have a good personality as well.

In my situation, I am a bit worried that if someone doesn’t prefer my physical appearance, then they will always have their eye on people who do fit their preferences. I understand that for some people, wondering eyes is normal and fine. However the thought of my partner staring at or even giving more romantic attention to a guy (some would say emotional cheating) just because he is tall kind of bothers me. Emotional cheating itself is not something I would really accept, but even somehow I’m fine with her having “straying eyes” for other guys because of any reason other than height. Do you have any idea why this may be?

[AlwaysMyself]

That's really good insight and self-reflection @Sevismo . 🙂 

It is very interesting that you would be more OK with her having "wandering eyes" (without any action / emotional connection) to other males if it were for physical attributes other than height, but not OK if it were from height.

I suspect (personally, im not a professional!) that this is related to your own self-concept around your height and you belief that height is of primary importance to females and thus a more "serious" level of attraction perhaps?

Does your girlfriend have a habit of staring / wandering-eyes / commenting on other males physical appearance?

Or is this more an anxiety about the future that she may start to?

(Do i recall you have been together for 2 years? If she doesnt do it currently, is there a reason you fear she may start to in the future despite not doing so currently? What do you fear would cause this change?)

[Sevismo]

I kind of looked into it, and what you said is true @AlwaysMyself, but there's also another factor.

The other factor is my brain just thinking that I can't compete. For example, if my partner looks at a "handsome" guy, I feel like I can be at the same level as the other guy because I wouldn't necessarily call myself unattractive facially. In other words, I can still "compete" with him.

If however the guy is tall, then there is nothing I can do because I'm the opposite of tall. I get more upset that my partner admires a trait which I can never have and can't directly "compete" with. I will figuratively and literally feel dwarfed. I suppose I would still have this exact worry if I was 6ft tall and saw my partner admiring a, for example, 7ft tall guy.

This coupled with what you described is likely the cause of my strange way of thinking.

I kind of have this wanting to only be close with people who don't necessarily put anyone above me. The same level is fine, but not above.

I don't know if this sounds very toxic or anything, but it is just something ingrained in me. It can elicit a pretty strong emotional reaction that I don't have any control over.

[AlwaysMyself]

@Sevismo I can understand wanting to feel secure that you are loved by your romantic partner, and that they do not covet and long for someone else. I think that is natural and quite instinctual. (Being untrusting, jealous and controlling of friendships is a different thing)

I wonder whether if you were tall, would you instead find an alternative "flaw" to fixate on?

Of course that is an impossible question to know the answer to, but I pose it because i think often we are our own worst critics - and from what I hear from others anxiety makes it even more so. 

I am a very analytical thinker by nature, and my brain often throws me curveballs to challenge or prompt my thinking. One such thought today with regard to your conundrum was I thought interesting. Don't feel you have to answer, it could just be food for thought. And I suspect some people's perspectives may change over time - i wonder what you would have thought 5 years ago compared to now, or in 10 years in the future what you would think...

If a person is 6'6" and in a loving relationship, but they have an unfortunate accident and become paraplegic and require a wheelchair (cannot walk) - are they still "tall"? What is their height now? They are still 6'6", they are still the same person. Only that bow they must sit down instead of stand.

Do you think the partner would love them any less because they are no longer standing up 6'6" tall?

I ask these hyperthertical questions/scenarios as a way of delving deeper into the possible root causes of beliefs and mental reasonings/arguments which might be at play.

[Sevismo]

I really like the questions @AlwaysMyself. I think they are really interesting.

From what I know about myself, I would certainly still notice other flaws if I was tall. I would however be much more confident and In this context, I doubt there are other (common) flaws as significant as shortness, so I don't think I will fixate on anything to this level.

For the second question, of course I cannot tell for sure and I can only talk from a male perspective.

I do however think that there definitely may be a slight decrease in attraction/love for most due to the change in physical appearance. I highly doubt it will diminish entirely either though.

It is not really sensical nor is it as "natural" or "automatic" to apply the concept of height to someone who is seated, so I doubt many would try. This will probably preserve a lot of that love/attraction.

A lot of women, I would assume, are also very attracted to the "idea" of having a tall boyfriend, more than just the physical aspect. Having a tall boyfriend is a bit of a status symbol and considered an achievement by (western) society. This may be part of the reason why it is so appealing to many. Even if their partner was in a wheelchair, the idea that their partner is "tall at heart" or "used to be tall" will go a long way. No one can discredit that either because I don't think most people try to apply the idea of height to people who are seated.

Me personally, I am definitely a bit biased here I guess, but I don't understand the obsession with 6ft+ guys. It doesn't exist in other countries (non-western) for a start. It's also intriguing as to why it is so universal as well and also why taller is always automatically better. Usually most preferences have a "sweet spot" where too much of a certain characteristic can be just as unattractive as too little. From my perspective, the obsession with very tall guys is much more a reflection of society than a natural preference.

[AlwaysMyself]

I would agree that its more a product of society than actual natural/personal preference @Sevismo , and as you point out can be different in different societies. 🙂 

I personally don't understand what is attractive about tall 6'+ either lol. 

Ultimately, for how it applies to your situation, can you accept that your girlfriend still wants and chooses to be with you even though you are less than 6-foot?

Are you willing to trust her that she would not be in the relationship if it were a dissatisfaction for her?

Is the fear that she will later leave the relationship if she is more attracted to another tall and handsome man? Or if the fear that she would stay and be unhappy? Or that she would stay and have an affair?  (And if the latter 2, would this be something worth talking to her about in terms of what you would prefer if she did feel that way?)

We can never control how another person thinks, feels or perceives. But we can adjust how we consider the possible outcomes and what risk we are willing to take (or not take), and what action we wish to take in response to it.

[Sevismo]

I don't really have too much of a worry that there will be infidelity involved @AlwaysMyself. Maybe she might not even leave me for a taller guy either. I do think that loss of attraction is much more likely to happen in my case, but again, that isn't my main focus either. I don't think she would be dissatisfied, based on my experience.

I just find the whole idea of spending the rest of my life with someone who doesn't really "prefer" me as very alien. It is never what I envisioned a relationship to be like. I sometimes almost even feel as though I could "do better" by instead choosing someone who actually accepts me as I am. That being said, my relationship right now is great and I don't want to just "toss it away".

I also personally hate the whole process of finding relationships in the first place and I don't know if I ever will find a woman who prefers me as I am.

I think my entire life, I have always been communicated a very "fairy tale" expectation of relationships (i.e. where the two partners are each other's "soulmates" and "first preference"). That is probably where my expectation stems from.

I really believe that in my case, hearing more stories of happy relationships where one partner is not necessarily the other partner's preference can help me here. I hear a lot about these kind of relationships failing, but never about them succeeding long term. I have a feeling that this may actually help me with my other issues (such as the thought of my girlfriend looking at taller men).