Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Very sound advice @Corny ..... 

Good morning @Corny @autumnmoon @Tiggeroo if you’re around ..... 👋

[autumnmoon]

@CornyThank you so much for your kind words. They certainly mean a lot.

I have tried to be the most patient, loving and understanding partner I can be, and am trying to hang on to those attributes for the moment, until I truly know what is going on in his heart and mind. It broke my heart when we had our first "episode", of what I thought was a break up, and had to hear him say all of the things he did: that he thought I would run, he was scared of what I would say or think, that it was easier for him to turn away than face those realities. How heartbreaking! I hate that the stigma exists. I cannot tell you how many friends - the very few who know at the moment - have told me to run since he received his diagnosis. Even removing the romantic side, what kind of friend would I be to say I care and then run? It's just not in my heart to do so.

I think the point you raise of him acting like the 'cliche mental health patient at times in his dealings in relationships' is so very interesting and something I have struggled with. I am not saying this to pat my back or give myself hope, but a lot of the time when he was feeling open to discussing his woes and wanted to be vulnerable, he said his gravitation back to her came largely from the guilt he felt of the hurt he caused. I always found that peculiar, but it made a lot of sense. None of us want to hurt anyone, but I know I have the ability to process, compartmentalize, apologize and move on; when he enters these periods of hurt, I believe he loses those abilities, starts ruminating over the destruction he's caused and ends up with a drive back towards these people from his past. He's done it throughout his entire adult life and I don't know if/when it could change. I also have heard him express exactly what you said - why would any normal person want to be with me, you could have any other guy you wanted, I'm always going to be screwed up, etc. I can talk until i'm blue in the face, listing off all of his wonderful qualities and my devotion to them, but I know how mind is clouded and he cannot take on board all of what I say and feel as truly genuine.

Concerning the ex factor... I am completely on board with your feelings and expressed sentiments. I honestly wouldn't have such an issue with her in the long run, if she hadn't put us through abject hell from March until just a few weeks ago. Once she thought she had her claws back in to him around March, and then discovered he was working through things with me, she did things that no grown, mature person should ever do (and mind you, I'm 32, he's 35, but she is 48 and I would have expected far better maturity out of her) .... she would show up places we were to cause a scene; constantly text him, his family and talk non stop to friends about us, asking endless questions; she would show up knocking at the front door at all hours of the night (it happened on 5 different occasions); and she began coming in to a part-time job I had at a pub at the time to talk badly about me to other customers. IF none of that had happened, I wouldn't have been so intimidated by her, but her constant presence was tiring, on top of all the depression and heartache I was experiencing with him... and I honestly believe, everything she did, contributes to the feelings of guilt for him. She knew he was struggling, so I just keeping thinking to myself, " Do you want this man or do you just want to win?" because nothing she does exhbits any care or concern for his mental sanity and his boundaries.
(sorry for that rant).

I do want and need to get to a point where I know fully that I am not sloppy seconds. I think what keeps me holding on is believing in what he says and what she does. He knows full well that he shouldn't be with her, as he's told me so, so I wonder how much of what he exhibits in these moments of extreme low are really truth or not. And I'll unfortunately have no way of telling until he and I do have a chat. I'm trying to keep my distance so he can sort things out on his own without feeling pressured or pushed. I do not want to be with a man who puts me second in favor of another person who I do not believe to be the same caliber, and I refuse to stick around through the emotional turmoil that comes with fighting for someone who doesn't want to be fought for. Foolish or not, I'm trying to maintain my patience until he tells me he's made a decision and then  I'll have to make my own decision. In the meantime - as you pointed out - I find it impossible to keep my mind on anything but him, all the what ifs, what is he doing and so much more.

I'm very sorry to hear of your own struggles, and then the struggle and heartbreak of taking care of people you love who also struggle.Life is certainly not easy, is it? I'm sending you lots of hugs.

Thank you again for taking the time to say so many wonderful, interesting and enticing points. It means so much. xx

[autumnmoon]

It certainly was great advice @Faith-and-Hope

Very lucky!

Hope everyone is doing well @Corny @Tiggeroo

[Corny]

Good evening @autumnmoon, @Faith-and-Hope, @Tiggeroo,

I'm sure you have has a restless weekend, thinking about him all the time. The love game is so hard isn't it. Are your boyfriends friends and family supportive of his condition? Does he have any mates that also have a mental illness that he can talk to and not feel ashamed.

I guess at the end of the day its only your boyfriend that knows how he feels about you, and his ex. From what you were saying it sounds like it was a tumultuous relationship he had with his ex, and if he doesn't regret ending the relationship, he regrets what went on in it.

Maybe it's about redemption. Like when ever he gets really depressed he ruminates on all the mistakes he's made and his deeply ashamed of some of his behaviour. So he goes back to her in a roundabout way to try and forgive himself. 

For me coping with my mental illness sort of requires me to manage 2 parts. I have the job of managing the physicality of the condition itself, but the 2nd job of managing the shame is more exhausting in many ways because we feel so low when we are that cliche. 

To fight against MI stigma and then to find yourself behaving in ways that are very intense, or failing to meet social standards or to be able to contribute to society through employment, you kind of feel like, well, the Liberal Party is right. All the people that treat us as second class citizens, and say "head for the hills" at the thought of being in a relationship with us are right. I am a doll bludger. I am a psycho. I am a drain. And if you can steal yourself you start to withdraw soclially beucase the first question you get asked whenever you are in a new setting with people you don't know, is that you are asked, "what do you do?'........"well I do nothing.........great. Sexy I know." 

It's a vicious vortex of shame and self- loathing and its hard to like your life some days. 

It sounds like his ex lacks a lot pf personal insight. That is so unhealthy to be turning up at random times of the night, embarrassing herself like that. She needs a therapist to help her with her 'attachment' issues that are triggered in romantic dealings. Not easy to do. And unfortuately they keep coming up. I know that love and hurt makes children of us all, I certainly am not above it, but she's gotta find some pride and deal with this in another way. Maybe your boyfriend feels guilty for her behaviour and he interprets it as evidence he has caused her damage, I'm not sure. 

I hope you have a nice warm cuppa tonight @autumnmoon

Take care

Corny