Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sharonm]

Hi @Justanotherday

I lived as you do for many years. My ex was undiagnosed bipolar and was either lying on the lounge unable to function or the life of the party. I was blamed for most things that went wrong in life and spent my life holding things together. Having the steady job, paying the bills and bringing up our son appropriately. It never occurred to me that he was bipolar and now I am going through the same thing with my son and learning more and more I also believe he has borderline personality disorder. The crazy accusations he would make about me ruining his life when I was the one holding it together used to make me doubt myself constantly. The inappropriate behaviour and comments made around our son with no consideration for the impacts (eg. I am leaving you and then once we were sufficiently upset he'd say "oh forget it - let's all just go out for lunch").

He ended up going into a rehab hospital (where he got the bipolar diagnosis) for mood disorder and gambling addiction and I told him he couldn't return home unless he could demonstrate some definite changes in key areas. He never could so we did not get back together. Since then he has hit rock bottom. Been frequently homeless, addicted to ice and I still often have the police on my doorstep looking for him. It is very sad because it is not the man I met or the father I want my son to have but it is what it is. For a long time I tried to help but now have handed those reins over to his family. I have to help my son first and being caught up in my ex's issues dilutes my ability to help my son.

No one can tell you what to do. It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love deteriorate but for me it was about creating boundaries and him owning his behaviour and responsibility to our relationship and family. It was also about my son. The impacts on him have been significant and he is now experiencing his own mental health issues. Some chemical and some BPD traits may be able to be attributed to some of the things that happened with his father (according to the psych).

All I can say is make every decision with your sanity and that of your children in mind. Hopefully he will get help and there will be a happy ending but until he realises he needs it it is unlikely anything will change.

SM x

[soul]

Hi @Sharonm - so sorry that you had to endure such a troubling relationship. I can understand the blaming. I too was made to feel that everything was my fault. My situation involved not just verbal and emotional abuse but also physical. Whenever the proverbial hit the fan, it was always "Why did you have to make me ...?" as if I provoked him to do so. One time, we went away for a weekend and he wanted a coffee. I suggested that he get one from a cafe we saw as we were walking along the street. The coffee wasn't up to his standards and he refused to drink it. I remarked that he ask for another to be made but he just stormed out and didn't want to continue with the plans we had made for that morning. He accused me of ruining the weekend and I suffered the consequences when we got back to the hotel room. 

His parents and I enabled his life as he couldn't support himself. There was no substance abuse but his BPD and inability to control his anger made for a tumultuous time. I am happy that you were strong enough to give your ex that ultimatum and to look out for your son. It must be truly heartbreaking that he is showing signs of mental illness. 

My ex and I have been apart for five months now after I left under devastating circumstances. We still have some contact as I offered support during his treatment which for the first time, he is taking seriously. Even so, there have been times when I have refused his calls and blocked his messages as I feel that his behaviour is making me uncomfortable. He is adamant that he wants to resume our relationship and will "die trying" but for me, the damage runs so deep that all trust is gone. It's shocking to realise how your very being can be eroded. 

I hope that you and your son can move on, minimising the effects your ex has wielded and that you both can find happiness. 

[Sharonm]

Oh @soul I am also sorry you have had to go through this and it is really quite recent for you. 5 months isn't long in the big scheme of things and if he is still hoping to resolve things you must often feel conflicted. People hear the bad and say "how could you stay with him" but there is obviously also good in every relationship and that is what we hang onto and want from our partners.

It has been 3.5 years for me and I have moved on. I have met someone new and he is lovely and boring (haha) with no dramas and continues to stay with me while I go through the new issues with my son. There are other people out there if that is what you want but I also think that being alone has it's benefits.

Yes it is heartbreaking to watch C develop these same MI issues. I have said to both the psychiatrist and the psychologist that my goal is to ensure he doesn't turn out like his father. I know that seems harsh but I have the insight into what direction his life can go and I will do everything in my power to help him avoid that.

Thanks for your well wishes and sharing your story. It always helps to hear from other people who really get what you have or are going through.

xx

[DeeElysia]

Hi @Justanotherday,

Im sorry to hear about your husband.. I'm going through the same thing myself (still).

My husband has had bipolar since he was 18 hes now 33 and adding to that is psychosis... we have a 4 year old daughter and things are so hard.

Last week he verbally abused a woman in the local wollies just for saying excuse me... calling her nasty things which really upset me. This lady did give it back so it went on for a while but the fact that hes just so angry and rude is beyond me.

He wasn't like this before was so gentle and walked away from conflict not started it. This was 2nd time in two weeks with a rondom. We can't communicate like we once did and I'm on the edge waiting for him to either be the man I know or this other.

Im with you on the two husband's... one day its fine and the love is there.. then I see his illness take over and I want out. The way you described it is so right.. like a rollercoaster on fire. It's scary to stay or leave what's the right decision especially after so many years invested and a child/children ...

Im 27 so most advise around me has been to leave. Most days I'm unhappy unsure about my future with him. But I'm also tied with our daughter finances house etc... my husband also doesn't take meds refuses to and we just argue about even a gp appointment... I try and drag him to see our psychologist but now even given that up.
We have had this convo more than I can count on both hands... either change get help take meds or I'm out. That was 8 months ago. Nope no change.

So I'm leaving it in his hands for 4 months.. no change without me begging (been there before he does it only to amuse me then stops) then I'm out. I'm saving and I cant meet halfway with him on the end.. It's sad .. but from all these stories I read I notice how much it doesn't change.

I hope you do something for you. I have been putting myself last.. It's been about him and being there and a mum that I broken myself. I have anxiety feel depressed the works.. I decided to join my local gym next week just for me get out etc..

Please keep well xx

[soul]

Hi @DeeElysia - sorry you have found youself in this very difficult situation. Good on you for prioritising your own needs. It takes a lot of strength and courage after always putting yourself last. You begin to feel worthless and lose hope.

It's bad enough for him to abuse you but to also see how he is out in public telling off that woman would have been awful. It's a sign that he just doesn't give a rat's  .... anymore and is getting worse. He feels he can do whatever he wants.

If he can't find fault with this behaviour and has no real commitment to getting help, then that's all out of your hands now. You are not responsible for his acting out. And as much as you know there is or once was a good man somewhere, if you can't find him anymore, it's best to quit whilst the damage is contained. 

All the best at the gym. I hope it makes you feel good as you deserve it.

[soul]

How are you doing @Justanotherday @DeeElysia @Sharonm @Lexxy17? Hope you're having a good day.

[Justanotherday]

Hi there @soul it's been a long couple of days but I do read your posts and read through your thread you tagged me in. Sometimes it's all overwhelming, sometimes it's easier to pretend everything is fine. And I have trouble not being positive, if nothing good has happened I don't know how to say that. We're taught to say "Good thanks how are you" and not complain too long. I've lost friends because my troubles go on for too long. When someone like you comes along and actually wants to hear it all, it's hard to stay in it.

I've made my decision to stay. We've had some progress as well as some major arguments. He's seen a therapist and the ball is dropping on how much of this is not my fault. I'm not sure he'll agree to medication, but I didn't think he'd do therapy either, so...

We are still separated but there's love. Real love. Maybe I can keep my boundaries intact along with my sanity. I have made it clear that he can't take the kids anywhere alone. He took this to mean I was keeping the kids away from him, but I feel so strongly to protect them from the other guy. The guy who also yells at anyone who he feels "threatened " by in public (I feel you @DeeElysia) and suddenly finds himself on random adventures without care for routine or stability. He's scary (not violent or angry, just more than happy-- sounds good in theory but it's so not) and I don't want my kids to see him like that anymore. I can cut things short and take them away if I'm close by. It was a necessary trigger which set him off but has calmed down now.

Coming to terms with the fact that life will be different from now on is hard. Probably the thing I'm struggling with the most. I had this ideal life planned out and will never look anything like that.

Thank you for replying @Sharonm and @DeeElysia I'm finding that the more I read and hear of other people in my position the less crazy I feel. It dissolves the isolation and tells me I have power. Today I'm feeling safer than I have in a long time. And it has nothing thing to do with what my husband has said or done. It's me, standing in my power and doing what I want to do without fear of retribution. I can't make him stay, and why would I want to? But without support I wouldn't know I have that ability. ❤️

[soul]

Hi @Justanotherday - you sound so much more confident and empowered. I'm glad that he's been to a therapist. Will this be an ongoing thing? I can understand that you have strong feelings for him. Something must have attracted you in the first place and kept you wanting to be with him. 

I can also empathise how you feel that life isn't what you thought it would be. So many times, I wished that I had that crystal ball or that I could go back in time and make different choices. Going forward you need to envisage what you do want out of life and what sort of relationship you desire. Then the tricky part is working towards that especially when the person who you want to have in your life sabotages that plan. 

Hopefully he's not just agreeing to those boundaries you made just to appease you and will later resent them. Change in behaviour needs to be a permanent thing otherwise you are back on that rollercoaster. My partner had anger management issues. He was very insecure, always played the victim and if things didn't go his way he would take them out on me. If I attempted to explain different points of view he would refuse to listen and feel that I was against him.

This would cause him to become very defensive and in turn lash out. He had this sense of entitlement that he needed power over something or someone. I never fought back, yelled or argued but even so he would become so worked up that he needed to vent and demanded that I listen to him for hours. Sometimes these rants would last an entire day and I wasn't allowed to sleep or eat. I just had to be his audience. He was so irrational that if I agreed with him, he would challenge me, saying I didn't really mean it. No matter what I did or say, I couldn't win. He just wanted a battle. He became so sensitive that if he didn't approve of my facial expression or I sighed, I was punished for it. 

I get that talking about this stuff with friends can alienate them. If you don't walk in the same shoes as others you never truly know what they are going through. When so much of your life involves tension and anxiety, you do need to let it out. People can see that as negative and tire of hearing about it. There is that danger though that you become bogged down in discussing only the bad stuff and when you don't have any happy moments on which to draw, it's hard not to. 

Keep in touch and I hope things go well for you. Take care of yourself and the kids. 

[CLA]

WOW. That really felt like I was reading my story. I understand completely where you are. My husband has bipolar disorder and psychosis. Compliant with meds but struggled for a long time after diagnosis (2 years ago) to find a medication that works for him without leaving him completely sedated. Think we are onto it now though. At times he struggles with the diagnosis in general. Our relationship has taken a massive beating. I just cannot believe how much it's changed in the last three years. Things were going really well for us before he got sick. We have tried marriage counselling. Although we waited till he was "ready", as recommended by my husbands psychiatrist, I don't think it ended up being a good time for my husband. He didn't really do the 'homework' and that really upset me because I'd stood by and taken the reigns in every aspect of our lives, while our marriage took a battering, and he couldn't even do this for me. I also think we spent way too much time discussing my husbands situation as opposed to discussing our relationship. Anyway, that psychologist left town and we didn't go back. But my husband has asked that we try again. I will go but have stipulated that if it doesn't improve things, we don't just plod along as is...something else will have to happen. And I guess by 'something', I mean separation. I don't want my marriage to dissolve but I'm so tired of fighting with my best friend. I'm tired of having to manage him, his behaviour, his thoughts.
My mental state has declined as well. I see a psychologist (have been since just before his diagnosis) which helped me through the toughest time of my life, but other than someone unbiased to talk to one a month, I dont think there's much more I can learn there. I'm realising this is my life! FOREVER! And that makes me sad. I'm also on antidepressants now for past few months. They have helped so I'm thankful for that, as I took a lot of convincing to get me to start. I'm not concerned about being able to provide for myself or my children. I have an excellent job that pays well and I've supported us singlehandedly before. So I know that's not a problem. I just don't want to prematurely break up my family if there's a chance things could get better. And I don't want to turn my back on my husband when he needs help.
Anyway, I don't have answers, just a sympathetic ear and i just wanted to write to say I understand. It's an awful situation to be in. You don't want to turn your back on someone who clearly needs you, but there's also a limit to what a person can cope with. Sometimes I think bipolar is just too big for me to deal with. That it won.

[Sharonm]

Hope you are doing okay @CLA. I think there are a few of us here who understand. I think we have all been where you are and it is tough. I guess that's why there is so much talk of carer's taking care of ourselves. Sometimes you need to step back and put yourself first even for a short time. So much easier said than done.

How is this week going?