Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Enginegiant]

Not too much to report today.

I've gone over many things in my head today, trying to find anything that could have been taken as hostile or abusive.  I cannot put my finger on anything.  The reality is that we didn't really ever argue.  In 5 years, I can only recall maybe 5 or 6 times we ever disagreed and they did not seem severe and as far as I'm aware, were put to bed really quickly on amicable terms.  If I had/have done something wrong, I would much rather identify it so it can be fixed and in fairness, that is the way my partner worked as far as I know.

It occurred to me how problematic/dysfunctional the system is overall.  Our GP is well aware of her conditions and history (it was me that introduced her to him and I have sat beside her during many consultations with him) and I'm listed as next of kin at the hospital, yet in a situation such as this, the drawbridge is raised and the forcefield turned on.  Nobody talks to one another.  I certainly understand the need to keep people safe and that there are those that abuse and stalk, but I feel somewhat  deflated by the fact that within the blink of an eye, the person that has stood by through thick and thin, can be cut out of the whole equation, without anyone so much as speaking to them.  While I don't know what it may be, what if I had the one vital piece of information that completed the puzzle and allowed the best care to be applied?

On the bright side, a mutual friend of ours did manage to speak very briefly to my partner on the phone tonight and while she was very teary, my partner was able to have a very brief conversation (suspect meds kicking in based on timing) and it seems that she is possibly starting to come down a little.  Still a very long way to go though.

I guess we play the waiting game.

I'm not focussing on the relationship ending at this point, although that unfortunately is one of the potential outcomes if that is her decision.  Whatever my personal feelings, I have to be a solid rock for my partner and to remain constant.  I cannot let her sense my discomfort lest it trigger her to blame herself or decide that I'm better off without her.  This will be a lengthy process.

Will keep you posted.

[MDT]

All the best @Enginegiant
Take care and I hope for the best outcome for your bothv

[Enginegiant]

For those that want or are interested in an update.

Well, here we are effectively one week on from the beginning of this story.  While everything is far from sunshine, lollypops and rainbows, there is some positivity.

The email contact between my partner and myself is far more regular and while a personal visit from me is not yet a reality, my partner has allowed/asked me to sort a few things out for her and is being as open as she can be (9 different meds at high doses are fogging her brain).

No doubt, she is doing it tough.  I am pleased to say that at no stage in any of the email conversations has and negativity been directed my way.  

My partner has 3 main voices in her head at present, (I have been aware of the existence of these voices for years, but they had been quiet for the last 2 to 3 years), these are a little girl that is sweet and needs to be protected, who I suspect is a manifestation of how my partner saw herself during years of abuse, and "the twins."  The twins are 2 girls that are not at all nice and seem to hate anything good in my partner's life.  The twins want her to stop emailing me, but she is fighting them and continues contact.

In a nutshell, it appears that we have experienced a massive breakout of her condition/s and we now need to claw back the lost ground.  I suspect my partner doesn't want me to see her this way and in any case, my presence would likely send the twins ballistic, which will not help the noise in her head.  I have asked for permission to speak to the staff to see how she's going, but at this point my partner would prefer that I didn't (I'm not totally sure that she properly understood the question at the time), so I will respect her wishes.

My gut feeling is that things are headed in the right direction and now we just have to travel the path.  I am hoping that I can visit within the next fortnight or so, fingers crossed.

From what my partner has told me so far, the psych ward/wing sounds like a very interesting environment, noisy and with some not so nice residents, although she has made several friends.  What worries me a little is that many of the patients seem to want to diagnose her conditions - ah, you've probably got this..... or you're definitely.........., my partner doesn't seem to be buying into it, which is good, but I think I'd be more comfortable if she was in a quieter atmosphere.  Then again, the noise and activity could possibly distract her from her inner demons a bit.

At least I can do something to be useful now.