Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[bigsister1]

My sister has a history of depression (like many in our family) but over the past year or two has really changed, to the point that I am wondering if she has more a more florid condition. This has coincided with leaving her husband after a 15 year marriage to start a new relationship with a man who seems to have a few problems of his own and is very controlling of her. He is  hostile to our family and she is always telling us the various ways he is critical of us, in a way that suggests his views are the ultimate truth and we just need to understand that he is always right about everything.

My sister has been building up resentment over minor family incidents from her childhood, and seems to have deliberately set out to alienate each member of the family, one by one. She has been so unpleasant that it is hard to spend time with her, but recently I have been concerned that maybe she is not just behaving badly but ill. I have seen someone descend into a psychotic state before and this is reminding me of it.

My sister and her partner have been working hard to establish a business together, but are now talking about abandoning it and seem to change plan all the time without ever thinking very realistically. This might be harmless, except that each new plan involves spending a lot of money on things like a new vehicle, rapidly followed by another one when the plan changes again. What I find alarming is that they are now talking about selling my sister's house and going on the road, possibly to live somewhere in the country, perhaps to buy a business or a property - the idea changes from minute to minute. She claims to be extremely happy, but it doesn't ring true to me. I am trying to get dialogue going with her and suggest options that are a bit more balanced, but I don't think she is listening and she takes offence terribly easily.

I am  worried that she will make crazy but irrevocable decisions. I don't know if her partner is deliberately manipulating her or is  unwell himself. Either way, he is pushing her into decisions that seem to me very much against her interest. I'm worried she will  find herself in some remote place, in a  fragile mental state, with a controlling man who has isolated her from the people who care about her, and she will find it hard to get help.

I don't think someone talking to her would think she was ill, and she was very angry when I expressed concern about her. And of course adults are free to make their own decisions even if they are bad ones. 

This is a whole mixture of issues and I'm not sure this is the right place to bring them, but if anyone can point me to some useful information I'd be grateful.

[Lunar]

Hello @bigsister1,

A big warm welcome from myself to the forums, thank you for sharing your story on here, I hope you find the forums helpful and supportive 🙂

It sounds like you really care about your sister and have lots of insight into her not coping so well lately and starting to push family members away which could be harmful in her geting the extra support she needs right now, she is lucky to have you looking out for her.

I know you said that when you have tried to talk to her she gets quite angry, but are there ways that you can spend time with her (like going for a walk, coffee, dinner together) and give her some support without actually talking and addressing these issues. You could start to perhaps ask her about her relationship and checking in on how that is going? Sometimes this type of support just through listening and nice moments together will help to feel more comfortable to talk about her relationship and everything else that is going on because there seems to be a lot!

Also, it is really important that know your limits to how much you are willing to support her without burning yourself out, as you said she is an adult and at the end of the day has to be in a place where she is ready to seek help and the most you can do is let her know you care and are there for her.

Lunar

[Former-Member]

Hi @bigsister1

Your sister is very lucky to have a big sister who cares enough about her to go to the length to post on a forum for advice 🙂 So many of us don't have that type of support and I admire you for this.

@Lunar Offered great advice and this is what I would of suggested also. Nurture the relationship and see if she is willing to talk about what is going on. 

Is this physchosis or bad decisions you ask? - from what you have written this sounds like someone whom is being pressured by their partner to do things his way. Ofcourse if depression or low self esteem is an issue your sister's mind will be in a weaken state (and also her perception may be distorted ), but mental illness does not rule our decisions - we still have free will to choose and make decisions whether these be bad or wise ones. It largely depends on the influences one has around them to what decisions they are likely to make if they are weak minded. People like this need others to protect them with guidance that seeks their welfare. Then it is up to the person to make their own decision - right or wrong. The latter is how we learn the hard way, sick or not.

I have had personal experience with this in my family and it sounds like she is in a controlling relationship and is possibly being manipulated. Pressured into making decisions she may not feel comfortable with or convincing herself it's okay to please her partner. That is psychological abuse. If this is the case she will need another's perspective to give her more choice. There is an art in doing this, as @Lunar described, she may get angry but we have to try. 

The only thing we can do is point out what can go wrong with the decisions she is making and then it is up to your sister to stand up to her partner. Try and not put him down as she will only defend him and this will make her more determined to do as he wishes. 

We can only try and advice subtly, without appearing to tell her what to do. And plant the seed. But she will most likely go along with her partner to keep him at this stage. Then all we can do is be their for them when it all goes belly up. Let's us know how everything goes. Hugs 

[bigsister1]

Thanks @Former-Member and @Lunar for your kind words and wise advice. It's very helpful.

I live in a different city from my sister so we can't often catch up in person, but I'll try and keep the contact going. And will try and plant the seed tactfully. She certainly needs some different perspectives. 

Thank you so much for your help and sympathy. I'm so grateful to have this resource available. I'll update in a while.

[Rosa]

Sisterhood. Phew, its a tough gig sometimes. Unfortunately bad decisions are part of a sisters life, as is menopause.  It rings of a classic mid life crisis. My sisters husband decided to jump on his bike & head out . Unfortunately he didnt go far enough for my liking. She was left at 50, feeling used & abused He had his mid life crisis, splashed their cash & eroded their wealth & she felt  more importantly her youth wasted on a cheating pig.  Sisters need their sisters. I love mine but we never chat about "men". We agreed  to just chat. Sane is a great place to do that. We can all be your sister here, & give you sistlerly advice & support 🙂 Merry Chrismas.from one sister to another.