Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

@Skyfree

honesty with each other and ourselves so important in a relationship

anyone struggling with symptoms of a mental illness has to deal with them as well as everyday living...can be trying for those in their lives

wish you well on your journey

[Skyfree]

Sunday Bloody Sunday. What a day. Waking up with that clenched belly again, my jaw was actually saw from the restless sleep. I thought things were making sense when I closed my eyes. I woke up with the anxiety again of having lost my partner and this is all my fault. But in truth I haven't lost her. And not my fault. She is still there. Her emotion cloaked by the burden of her thoughts.

I continued my learning journey, trawling through the various articles available on BPD and experiences others have gone through. Some that I have read are almost like I could have written it myself. Providing some comfort that our partnership can and will prevail with hard work, patience, very big dollop of love and understanding.

It is really difficult to explain what this rollercoaster ride entails. Our communication is still nothing like it was three weeks ago. And i can pinpoint now to the day when things started to turn. Since that day things have progressively compounded, to which point last week we went into communication lockdown. This identification comes from a relationship of completely open communication. Regular routine and the joy of being able to freely express ourselves without judgement or recourse or doubt about each other.

I'm continuing my expressive communication, I'm not going to fold from the weight of this. We both agreed and could foresee entering this relationship that there was going to be some tough times ahead. Neither of us would have picked that this was coming though. Never the less, I've known this wonderful person for a couple of years before we started this relationship and I knew years ago if our paths ever crossed and opportunity allowed she would be worth the wait and now the challenge for.

This intermittent - interested, not interested communication is difficult to deal with now but i have to trust that she is still there somewhere. With no sign from her that she loves me, a common part of our former communication that is now dismissed. The simple goodnight left hanging without reply. It hurts but I'm not going to pursue it. There's obviously some reason for this lack of and change in communication. I'm not going to give up on us. No I will not.

I went for some two wheeled self care today. Reflection in the helmet. It helped. Getting out in the fresh air. Gathering of thoughts, emotions, trying to identify my own triggers and how to deal with them without losing my bundle.

The hardest emotions to deal with is the thought of losing her. After so long knowing she is the one worth all the effort I can give. Reeling back all my wrappers exposing my raw self, unlike any other relationship before. Our feelings were equally reciprocated.

Yet at the same time having to battle the other thought that she may want it to end and for her own mind sake may feel that not being in this relationship is an easier solution. I really hope she doesn't give up on us after what we have gone through. If this is what she truly wants then i would have to respect that decision but until then all hell would have to freeze over before I gave in.

[Skyfree]

@Former-Member

I have read your reply a number of times and I would like to thank you again.

I could not get too sleep last night, still reading.

I asked her if I could take a moment of her time, and we were able to message each other a bit. I wanted her to know that I've been trying to learn about this diagnosis and how it is helping me understand what she is going through. I don't "know the monsters in her head" (her words) and I don't expect her to be able to explain these things to me but I wanted her to know that I'm here for her.

She feels that with where she is, what she is going through there is no escape from the judgement and criticism. Methods prescribed for her to try and deal with the emotions and thoughts have not been working for her, she feels helpless. And thinks that I would be better off without her. I have reassured her that I am learning how to cope myself with this and that I'm not giving up on her. I have asked if she could let me be part of her recovery with her consent, there was no answer to that because of the flow of the conversation and the release of some of her thoughts and concerns but hopefully through those messages she can realise I'm here. I've asked if she has considered reaching out to someone else that maybe gong through these same feelings, thoughts, emotions, someone else that maybe has some tips on how to process things before they get overwhelming. She has said she isn't ready for any group therapy or anything like that. I suggested something like this where she can communicate in a forum with anonymity reach out and express herself. She said is going to think about it.

3.5 hrs sleep for me. I've fallen asleep with some comfort with the fact we were able to briefly discuss this if only through some messages. But when I awake I can't help but think of her again straight away, not being able to return to my slumber.

Shortly I will go to work, last week was almost debilitating gong through this, my position is very demanding with responsibility, trying to manage these emotions and work together was difficult. I feel more informed and stable now. Hopefully expressing myself now will allow my mind some straight thought before taking on the daily challenges of my dynamic work environment. I'm going to try and get to the gym this arvo if I have enough strength after 10 hrs.

I can't stop, I need to keep on keeping on. Stay solid, for my sake and for hers. I'm hoping that we can eventually get to have a conversation about therapy where we are involved in it together and we have an agreement on how to work through all this.

It's saddening me that she has to go through all this, but we mustn't get stuck here. We need to keep moving, somehow we need to identify what works for her on how to process the daily throws of her thoughts.

Bring on breakfast. I know I should eat, my appetite is shot though. Again it's pushing through, staying strong, focus on the future.

Good Day All.

[Former-Member]

@Skyfree

Hello there...

thought that I would see how you are feeling....hoping that you are managing to get some sleep and eat some healthy food..

how are things for your partner? slowly coming to terms with what is happening...

adjusting to medication if taking any....might also be experiencing side effects in first few weeks or so..

self-care happening???what is that I hear!!

yes we all have to work hard at allowing ourselves self-care......

[Skyfree]

@Former-Member

Hello Back!

So well, where do I begin. Where does it begin? and where does it end? This has been the most gut wrenching up down ride I've ever experienced. To have fallen so deeply for someone spending 6 months exploring every detail and quirk about each other's life, building honesty and trust. Open communication. Everything one looks for in a relationship. In three weeks I have researched, I discovered (mental illnesses), I purchased books on said topic, I went to personal/relationship counselling myself to make sure I gave this every opportunity to work. All the while talking only via text remaining impartial, yet comforting, trying not to push my needs for relationship gratification (some validation that a relationship still existed) yet balancing a fine line between maintaining some relationship and providing support.

There is more to this story than what I care to divulge, out of respect. Not an intent to hide anything.

Know this, the person I fell so deeply in love with and grew with albeit only 6 months it has been the best 6 months of my life so far. The connection. In three weeks has been flipped 180degrees. I still feel for her but she has chosen not to include me in her life anymore. Returning to her previous relationship after a 12 month hiatus. I can understand why she has done so. I may not agree for a number of reasons, and of course one would expect this reaction from my position. My only hope is that she is looked after this time round for two more reasons other than her own. The bigger picture. I have nothing to gain by interfering in her decision. I just need to be wary now of my existence as what was a long distance relationship has returned to a local one that doesn't include me (although no official word from her despite a number of direct questions and she still maintains some communication as she sees fit) So, I will be stepping out of the picture. Taking to the skies, flying season is upon us and I can take off from a hill, launch into the wind and climb to the clouds, find my inner peace. Learn from all of my experience. I still hold her close to my heart, I will never forget the experiences we have shared.

If I had the choice to go through the last 6 months again I would. As much as the last 3 weeks have turned me inside out and back again. Those feelings in the last three weeks are the ones that validate the feelings I have had for the last 2 years.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Skyfree

I am so sorry to hear of such an awful..distressful outcome..

Actions like hers to return to a previous relationship....whilst having recently been diagnosed with a mental illness. Adjusting to medication...demonstrate that her mind is all over the place..she is not thinking rationally..

you will grieve the loss of the relationship..you will get through this though..

do not blame yourself...no what ifs....

her current state of mind and actions will not assist her in her recovery..that is no longer your concern...at this time she is not the same person you fell in love with..

continue some form of counselling for yourself...

taking to the clouds ....a great way to escape for awhile....be at peace with the skies

take care ...

you are always welcome to write on the forums ..a safe place

[Skyfree]

@Former-Member

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I understand what you say. The painful thing is that I still care for her. I want her to succeed. My days are good then others go back to gut wrenching again. I don't mean to harp on or seem like I'm looking for pity but just need to let it out. It frustrates me that she maintains contact and almost leads as if there is still something there then leaves the conversation hanging or with a reply that nullifies the conversation. Conversations of how things are difficult and I still offer a possible solution with some assistance but for whatever reason she cannot (but says that she wishes she could) take my assistance. Up down. Yo yo. I just want it all to work out for her and her to actually acknowledge that in spite of everything that has been going on. I'm still soldiering on here, keeping on keeping on. I am at a loss of what disconnected us and put us in this position. I'm exhausted. A phone call. A sit down chat over a coffee. Let's get past the texts and be real.

[Former-Member]

@Skyfree

Difficult times

ups and downs of her learning to come to terms with diagnosis

she does not have the answers or know how you can assist

that is for medical specialists

you can let her know that you are thinking of her...

take counselling for yourself and be guided by suggestions made on how best to handle the situation moving ahead..

I understand that you hurt and miss her...a form of grief..counselling will help you through this wherever the journey takes you