Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[PTSD01]

My mum, 71, has a history of irrational and paranoid behaviour. Had a major psychotic episode last year and was hospitalised, diagnosed with a mental illness and placed on medication. Since then my dad and her main carer, passed away late last year. She was taking her medication and then stopped a couple of months ago. Her mental health is deteriorating to the point where she no longer answers call from me, my brother or her sister, she won't respond to texts, either. Her mobile is her only form of contact. We all live in different towns and she has continued to live independently, seemingly successfully until recently.

She would not let my husband (her son-in-law of 20 years) in to her house, then my brother went over to take her out to lunch for her birthday and she shut the door in his face. Her sister went there today and same response, she looked surprised at first, asked her how she had got there (she lives in another town) and then before she received an answer, shut the door and would not come back to talk to her. After my aunt was knocking for a while she finally yelled through the door to her: "You've got the wrong address, go away!". 

I have called Mental Health triage in her city several times expressing my concerns. They know her from when she had her psychotic episode last year. They tell me there is nothing I can do, or they can do, unless she seeks treatment voluntarily, or she becomes a threat to someone else, or herself.

What I want to know is this: should we persist in trying to get her help that we think she needs or should we respect her wishes, no matter how we fear they are based on irrational thought, and let her make her own choices. The presumption is she will ask for help when she wants or needs it, this has not been the case in the past.

Do we now take a step back and wait for her to have another major psychotic episode, because that seems to be our only choice. She thinks other family members are "out to destroy her" and most likely we are now added to that list evidenced by her recent behaviour towards us. She won't talk to us, so how can we help her? We have called the police for a welfare check once and the police said she "presented well". End of story. I don't know what else to do and the guilt is ripping me apart.

Please help ...

[Former-Member]

I hope someone can offer you advice.It is a difficult problem .You may have to look into some member of the family being her legal guardian if she needs treatment in the near future.At the moment,sounds like you need to take a step back and just be there when you are needed and wait for the crisis because you aren't any good to her anyway when you are frustrated by the situation and you have done everything you can to help and the help and resources today are unfortunately limited for "crisis"only which is frustrating. I have experienced a lot of guilt over my elderly mother being the sibling who has had to sacrifice own life since my father died 25 years ago.It contributed to my anxiety and depression.Look after you because you will be needed down the track.

[Hopeless]

I'm sorry to hear this. It's very hard trying to help someone who has no insight. It's very disheartening when services like the acute care team cant help unless she is a risk to herself and others. I have been here. Tried to reach out for help but kept being told they need to want help. But how do u explain to someone that they need help when they don't think they do!!! As loved ones we want to prevent the fall, the rock bottom, the crisis because the unknown is very scary, but unfortunately sometimes that is all we can do. I have recently had to go through this with a loved one. It was very hard to watch the spiral but he is now getting treatment. Although he still has no insight.... he is closer to getting better then we have been before.

I know all the he emotions u must be going through. It's heart wrenching, mind boggling, scary, frustrating, confusing. Gosh the list goes on.

Your not alone. I have been on here for the past 3 wks. It definitely helps.

X

[Shimmer]

Hi @PTSD01,

Welcome to the Forums! I'm Shimmer, one of the moderators around here 

The situation around your mother sounds extremely difficult for your whole family. You're certainly not alone in feeling stuck and unsure what to do with a loved one who does not want to seek help, yet is not at enough of a crisis point to be treated involuntarily.

It's good that you are expressing your concerns to the mental health triage team. My recommendation would be to keep communicating with them as things change. Keep in mind that risk of harm to herself can involve not taking care of herself.

Is sounds like you are doing a great job looking out for your mum, I'm curious, what is the guilt about?

I also wanted to make sure you are looking after yourself - are you doing anything for self care?

[PTSD01]

Thank you for your insight and advice. I appreciate the honesty in your answer and you are right, we are no help to her when we are frustrated, but it's hard not to be.

[Former-Member]

Yes it would be like waiting for a time bomb,but at the moment all you can do is trust the insight of the Police who believed she was ok,and stay in touch with mental health triage.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Sending best wishes your way for courage and strength ..... we are living on a fault-line too ... not at disgnosis or treatment yet .... hoping ours will go easy but no guarantees ......

Please keep posting. At least we can walk with you.

🌷💜

[PTSD01]

Thanks, there's been no change. Still have not heard from her, neither has my brother or her sister. She's not answering calls or text messages. Will probably call the police again for a welfare check. Feeling sick inside, the guilt is because I should be able to do something for her, but I can't and I feel if something bad happens to her it will be my fault because I couldnt get her the help she needs. I need to disconnect myself for my own sake.

[Faith-and-Hope]

That's exactly right @PTSD01, but it's no small thing when you have an empathetic nature,  I gave chased down everything I could think of to try to help my husband, and in order to keep living with him we are actually enabling his illness by supporting the regimen that drives him through each day .... but it was either that or leave him, and we (kids and I) believe that would result in much worse ....

So .... I have had to learn to turn off the guilt .... it's actually nobody's fault that my hubby (WH) is ill, nor will it be anybody's fault if he suffers a major health crisis ahead of moving out of the denial stage.  You, and I, and anybody else can only do what we can do .... and then we have to just sit on our hands and see what happens.

Come and join us on the Hot Chocolate thread if you would like to meet some other carers who understand how you're feeling right now.  Some of them are self-carers who live alone and battle mental health issues .... every tough situation is better with company on the trail ....

🌷💜