This is my first time posting here so here it goes. To give a little back story I've had depression since I was 12, anxiety since I was 16 and I found out I have ADHD and autism as well. I lost my job of 6yrs in 2023 due to the company going under and since then I was feeling sorta lost but I had a goal I wanted to a complish. But as things changed more around me I had to leave where I was living to move back in with my dad in his 1 bedroom unit since he was going to have brain surgery and needed help looking after my step mom. She and I are very close and I think a part of her was very relieved to have me there to look out for her since in the past I always looked out for her more than my dad or anyone else ever did.
I was working on an art business since I was hoping to make money from my digital art skills but things went more down hill as my step moms health got worse...so I made a choice to put my life on hold to look after her and my dad..
In August of last year she almost died twice and I also witnessed her having a seizure for the first time..it was scary watching it happen. She got out of the hospital in a few days after that but things kept going down hill as we needed to put our dog down due to his age which was a huge blow all of us. After he passed my step mom got worse and on my birthday I went out to some appointments and while I was out something happened and she passed away, they tired to save her but she wasn't for resuscitation as those were her wishes..but my dad didn't tell them that..
He and I said goodbye to her at the hospital that night, I had to be the adult for my dad and explain what was going on and I tired my best not to cry as I saw my dad was the only one who mattered even though I was beside myself as well. After we got home he asked me about where people go when they die and if heaven is real and I felt like an adult explaining to there child about life and death and what people think happens..it was strange but I know how my dad is, I didn't fully break down until he went to sleep.
It's been 8months since her passing and I'm still a mess as I mostly take care of my dad since he doesn't want to think for himself and she asked me to look after him. But I feel very trapped because of it like I can't live my own life, do what I wanna do, be happy. I don't even have my own room either since it's just a 1 bedroom unit.
Most days I cry to myself since I miss my step mom so much and a lot of me doesn't understand why she was so different from my own family they never wanted to do anything with me while she wanted to she took me to so many places and I saw so much because of her, She was the person I talked to about everything and anything but now she's gone.
I have been to the doctor about this and I'm on new antidepressiants but I don't feel like they help, I'm unmotivated everyday,
I have a lot of flash backs to her dying [edited by moderator] and it scares me, I have times where my head is screaming for her to come back like a little kid wanting there mom but I know she won't come back.
Since her death I have been thinking a lot about the past and how I am today just trying to figure out what is wrong with me other than depression since something has never been right with me I always struggled to interact with others, never had too many friends, bad in school. And since being under so much stress I feel like I have different parts of myself that take over whenever I need to keep going. I've worked out I have four parts a child version, teen, adult and a darker version that tells me all the bad like self harm, and suicide which I've been thinking about a lot lately.
Sorry that this post is long just not sure how to summerise things better, most days I just try to do things that make me happy to keep going while using my energy to look after my dad who doesn't require medical care but needs someone to think for him and figure things out that he doesn't understand which causes me a lot of stress.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I'm going to continue trying my best each day for now instead of stressing about the future so much since that's what scares me the most right now...
Hey @Kris_stars1 welcome. I wanted to take the time to thank you for sharing your story, it is definitely not an easy thing to do. Just quickly, I have just edited your post to add some trigger warnings, and just removed some details to be in line with our Guidelines. If you have any questions about this you can always ask us!
You don't have to apologise for post length either, honestly I am glad that you had such a big vent - I always feel a bit lighter when I've gotten a bunch of stuff off my chest. It sounds like you've had an enormous amount of very complex emotional distress along this journey, and having to be the parent for our parents? Oof, it's so rough hey.
I hope you can find some connection and community here 💜
Really sorry to hear what you’re going through. You sound like a fantastic person, looking after your parents. Maybe phone the sane phone line and they’ll be able to suggest some help for you. Sending you best wishes.
