I can’t cope

[Captain24]

The internal conflict is so real @Jynx. The fighting, the confusion, the pressure all in my head is really getting to me. It’s like there is only one way to stop it all. It’s just all going around and around. There’s just so much of it. It’s racing and I can’t calm it with anything I try. I need sleep but I also need the sleep to get some rest from it all. I am a real mess and it can’t be fixed, I have to ride it out and hope it all settles down. Just don’t k ow how long that will take. 

I don’t want to disappoint her. If anything happens between now and our next appointment I think she will call ES on me and not give me a choice. 

It was a cute surprise when I jumped on Facebook Wednesday morning when I got home! Jett was the most well behaved in getting the photos done much to everyone’s shock! 

[Captain24]

Just read a really triggering post… that’s the last thing I need to add to my already f’ed up head. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 it's a rough ride to be on hun, but there's always a path forward. The lack of sleep will make it harder to even imagine any other options, because our ability to think outside the box goes down when our distress goes up. 

I believe in you hun, you can do this. Sleep will find you eventually, even if it's not tonight. There's no pressure from me for you to sleep, cos I know your body will make it happen eventually. Deep breaths, ok? You got this, and we got you 💜

Hehe such good doggos!! Worth printing and framing I reckon! Or you could even turn em into cute christmas ornaments... I'm sure there's some internet company that does that lol. 

Anyway, oodles of toodles, and I will catch you tomorrow 😊

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

[Captain24]

I got 6 1/2 hours sleep last night!!!! Yay!!! 

I don’t feel any different for it but at least my body and mind got some rest. 

[Captain24]

Every single room in my house is clean. Dusting, vacuuming, floors swept and washed! Lounges vacuumed. All skirting boards cleaned. All washing and ironing done. The place shines! I have washed the outside of my house, I have clean back and front verandahs and I even cleaned the fences. 

The veggies are already for dinner I just have to add the eggs to cook. The only things I haven’t done is clean all the windows or weed the garden. I’m trying to talk myself into stopping. Doing anymore is only going to create a mess to clean up and I really don’t have the time for that. My friend will be here in 2 hours. 

Such an accomplishment given the mental state I’m in. I couldn’t have done it without the mania though. 

I need to stop and settle myself. They and calm down all the noise in my head. I don’t think I can stop but there really isn’t anymore I can do. I still do have to move the sprinkler around to water my grass though. 

I just realised I haven’t eaten all day. Oh well I guess I’ll have dinner. 

[Ru-bee]

Stopping and eating might be the perfect way to slow things down for a minute @Captain24 

That is a mighty big effort you put in today! What are you and your friend doing tonight? 

[Captain24]

Hey @Ru-bee.

Stopping is so hard. I haven’t stopped at all for nearly 2 weeks. Plus I’m not sleeping well. I’m looking at which windows I can clean. I have done what my psych said and taken 5 minutes here and there to cuddle my dogs and take in the moment. That’s all that I’ll allow myself. It’s so hard and exhausting. 

We aren’t doing anything tonight. She suffers really badly with anxiety. After driving here and going through the mountains her anxiety will be sky high. So I’m just going to cook dinner and have a quiet night. I do have a few plans for tomorrow though. I want to take her and show her the little town 20 minutes away. It’s a must see if you come to this area. Plus we will go to the museum there and the junk shop. Those are must see’s too. Then there is twilight markets tomorrow night so we will take the dogs there and she can see the beautiful park and river. I also want to show her all the old buildings in town as tourists love them. Then Sunday I want to take her out to the swamp that’s just under an hour away for a swim. It’s a beautiful place. So it’ll be a busy weekend and I hope she will deal with it ok. 

[Jynx]

Yay for sleep @Captain24!! And wow, you've been a busy lil bee!! Definitely time for snacks and doggy pats and marvelling at all your handiwork! 😋

Aww that sounds like a really wholesome time!! So happy for you, hope you two end up having a super lovely time together 😍 

[Captain24]

I do keep looking around at how clean it is. @Jynx I keep the place really clean but this is next level. I never do the other 3 bedrooms or the main bathroom! Plus I only sometimes move the chairs and never dust. It’s amazing and I have a candle burning. I think I might clean the sliding door windows. I need to be doing something. I am moving the sprinkler every 15 minutes even though a storm is coming. I’m hoping she is here before it hits as she will not cope. 

Hopefully it all goes to plan. Mum is taking the dogs for an hour or two over lunchtime so that they are fed and I’m going to give them a bone each tomorrow night to make up for the neglect. 

How was your day? 

[Ru-bee]

Chill night tonight sounds great ahead of such a lovely day tomorrow @Captain24!

What a wonderful way to spend a day together!