Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[IreneVelveteen]

Hi everyone, 

I'm 25 and live with my dad who has psychosis, depression and social anxiety. 

I am posting my story in the hopes that there is anyone who has experienced a similar circumstance or if someone would find it helpful in their time of need. Especialy the parent with illness and child being the carer. Please share your story.

He has no friends or family members besides myself. 

My brother moved interstate 2 years ago. We have some contact with him but he is unreliable in family situations. He is not stable himself and has caused severe distress.

I feel that the longer I have stayed, the higher chance I have of developing my own mental illness. It has already taken it's toll and I want to be self-reliant. 

I feel this way and want to care for myself. In the process I sometimes behave in an irregular way (going out with friends more than usual or being sad at home). But this results in him telling me he doesnt care about anything and if I'm going to act in this way then I should leave.
I recognise him saying this as his way of coping...?

The previous time I said I was moving out he called me cruel. He said he wont know what will happen to him. And that he has no purpose without me.

He waits for me to get home from work with dinner on the table.
Which is an amazing experssion of love. 
But has been to such the extreme that he relies on these acts for his self-preservation. He relies on me to do what he expects. 
I feel limited.
Since I was a child, I have acted and made decisions on what will make my dad happy with me. I'm a very sensitive, obedient daughter. I avoid confrontation. I do what it takes to keep the peace. I have been doing what it takes to keep the peace in the family home my whole life - it is all I have known, but inside me screams and is in such sadness;- I feel that I cannot live with myself knowing I have lived my dads life. I have sacrificed partners for the sake of my dads happiness. 

I have supported him and helped in all ways. But my own happiness and life choices have been jeopardised and controlled for the sake of keeping the peace.

Now that I am 25, if not now then when.

He says, if I move, our relationship will be over. 

I recognise that I have a carers responsibilty to ensure he is looked after.

I recognise that I am responsible for my own happiness.

I was sure that if I were to post this I would be dismissed by other carers because I have chosen to move out of home. I imagine him on his own and feel immense guilt. I have assured him that he is not losing me and I will be close by. I have assured him that I will always need him in my life.

I dont think he truly believes this. And I feel that delusion is part of his mental illness.
I have done what I can, but he only listens to himself.

@Kiera80 thank you for starting this thread on 'throwing in the towel'. I resonated strongly with your post. I have felt like that many times and more recently the past 2 weeks. I have told my dad today that I have chosen to move out of home.

And so, I have been asking myself, how do you take care of yourself without abandoning the person you care for?

What if they dont accept your care?

I have assured him I am not abandoning him but he has made a condition that we will not have a relationship if I were to do this. 

I am worried for is his well-being. 

Because he says without me, he is worthless.

Please, if anyone have their own stories on separating themselves from someone. 
Is there anyone who has been in this circumstance???
What about my dads illness living on his own? 

Thank you in advance for your replies
Irene

[Alessandra1992]

Welcomed @IreneVelveteen,
I would like to affirm your decision to move out of home because I do think it is a necessary part of adult growth to move from home and be independent.
This does not mean that you don't love your Dad and it is really not easy if he is using emotional blackmail to keep you at home. I am wondering if he has any other supports through a local community mental health service?
Would you be willing to attend a peer lived experience group with him to see if that might assist him in building back his sense of personal value?
There are many kinds of peer groups available and many are happy to have family members attend one or two times as well..
Your personal value is equally important and if you move out you can ring, visit for dinner, or invite him over to your place for dinner..
I really do think some of his words are from fear, which I understand as you are giving structure to his day..but this may also be an opportunity to build his links into community too by not being wholly dependent on you.
My other suggestion..carer group for yourself and maybe carer respite services if you don't move out..everyone needs time apart, otherwise we all suffocate..

[IreneVelveteen]

Thank you for your reply, Sandy.

Dad is receiving regular support from a psychologist.

There isn't much beyond that. He struggles with trying new things to make friends. So your suggestion to go with him to a group might be possible... I'm not really sure at this stage.

I feel dependant on the opinion of his psychologists a lot. I'm aware that I have difficulty distingushing where his personality starts and where the illness begins. I know my dad best but I'm so far in the middle of the situation... I find myself slipping into my dads thoughts and feelings a lot instead of my own!!!

One of his case workers called me today. She advised to have a plan for the move. Organise the boxes, moving vehicle and date of move.
And go through with it. 

I'll keep this thread updated as the situation progresses. It has been such a great support for me. Not just with your reply, @Alessandra1992 but in reading other peoples stories as well.

I hope this supports someone else in future.

[Mojo]

Hi Irene,

Welcome to the forum. I am sure you will receive great support and help from people who have experienced similar situations. It is clear from reading your post that you love your dad dearly.It is a very difficult situation that you are in. It is important that you look after yourself so you can look after other.

Take care,

Mojo.

[Kiera80]

@IreneVelveteen I have just noticed that the reply I tried to send a couple of days ago to you has not posted.  Hate it when that happens.

I just wanted you to know that I would stand behind you 100% on your decision to make the move.  You know deep down it's the right thing to do for your own well being and you have to remember that in your life you are number 1.

I love that you have your Dads case worker to talk to and that there is a psychologist in place for him.  Between all of you I think you can come up with a good plan and how to deal with any fall out that may happen.

You're pretty switched on to realise that living in this sort of environment can be mentally damaging to yourself.  A lot of people don't realise this until it's too late (me included).  You are also right in saying that you are living his life in some way and that's just not right.  You're young and have a chance at much happiness in your future so grab onto that.  It doesn't mean you stop caring about your Dad, just that there is that distance between you and both of you have your own lives to live.

From the life you are descibing that you have had up until now I wouldn't be surprised that when you do move out and are on your own you may find that you feel a bit lost.  Have someone in place that you can also go talk to if you need that.  If you are going to be living on your own the quiet times can really get to you and it may take some time to adjust to a new life.  I hope you are extremely resilient though and find that the freedom makes you really excited and happy.  That would be a big plus.

I would hope to believe that when you do move your relationship with your Dad won't be over like he says.  You may need to give him some time to adjust too.  It will be hard for him.  If you show up for a visit at least he will know that he hasn't been abandoned.  Your father/daughter relationship shouldn't have to change.  You love your Dad and I'm sure he loves you just as much.

Keep talking to your Dads case worker regarding the move date and what can be put in place support wise for your Dad on the day you are leaving and in the days and weeks that follow.

Please keep posting on your progress and any problems you may come up against.

[IreneVelveteen]

Hi Kiera, You're right on what you've said. Thank you for assuring my courage and conscience. Having dads psychologists to talk to give me a better idea on how to assess his behaviour. I think without them, I would be in the same situation. 

The day after I told him I was moving, I recieved a call from his psychologist telling me he had seen his GP with thoughts of suicide. There has been no attempt.
His behaviours became very irregular. Coming home late, not eating food I prepare and recoiling on my contact.

I was scared and worried through these days for my dads well-being. But I didn't step down on my decision.

I was advised again, to keep going with the plan to move. Even when interacting with him, to go about as normal. To change my behaviour on account of his behaviour would tell him it works. And encourages future suicidal episodes in order to manipulate.

He is 'grieving' the loss of his daughter, as told by the doctor. But around me he is not sad or grieving. He is very different. He has not spoken to me at all the past week besides asking where I am and telling me to be home before dark. In an angry-dad way. Some other small outbursts from him suggest his thought process and delusions cover a biased blanket over every situation, including this one. It is as if when talking to me, he's not actually, talking to me. More rather to a collective of people in his life. I'm realising that there is a lot coming from him which isn't directly related to me. But is bringing up past experiences for him. 
It makes me so sad for him. I wish I could do more to just pull the blanket off. It's very hard to watch - also seeing as it is damaging our relationship to this extent. 

His behaviour towards me now makes me want to move as soon as possible. I feel that it's pushing me further away from him.

In his mind we wont have a relationship after I move. Maybe this is why he distances himself now, in preparation for my leaving? Or is it further attempts at manipulating me to stay?
I guess it doesnt matter.
I need to reassure him that we will still have each other after I move but don't know how to do this. I have showed compassion wherever I can in the days he has not spoken to me. I said it in words when I told him I was moving, but it seems that it is not enough for him to believe it. He says I have turned against him. It is like saying "I will be there for you" and him saying "I dont agree to that". 

Since he has been behaving this way towards me for almost a week now, my mind starts to have doubts, becomes scared and weak. I start to forget why I'm not doing what makes him happy. I see myself slipping into my old mentality. I am very affected by my environment.

I need to keep looking within myself for the truth. This is a big personal journey for me as well. 

To do something you have never done before, you must think in a way you have never thought before.

[PeppiPatty]

hi, my name is @PeppiPatty and I just want to emphasise the posts of @Kiera80 and @Allessandra1992.

@Kiera80 writes that brilliant third and fourth paragraph, in that your the most important, you are young and I'de like to write:

when this does happen, maybe you can set up a timetable for your Dad on the fridge, of the days that you can speak to him on the phone or visit.....not every day or maybe every day or maybe every second day for a little while and he will feel more comfortable in that he can just check on the fridge when he will see/ speak to you again and he will not need to fret. You need to keep to the minute of the timetable though ...... Lol.....

when @Allesandra1992 writes of peer based support, well, my experiences with peer based support for my ex husband was wonderful. Really good. He was Diagnosed chronic paranoid schizophrenia at 19 years old, and in a destructive relationship with his family as they did not give themselves any space for many years.

Peer based support was good good for him.

Im not saying you are like that. I am writing that you have the intelligence to know what is good for you. like is already written. :0)

Keep in touch.....LIKE your name :0)

[Kiera80]

@IreneVelveteen 

Still sticking to your guns with everything that is going on around you shows just how strong and courageous you really are.

It's natural to expect the behaviour of someone with a MI to be very up and down when a change happens.  Sometimes the behaviour of that person can become quite drastic.  I am glad that your Dad hasn't actually gone through with any suicide attempts.  Him not talking to you could be his way of getting prepared for the move or it could be a manipulation tactic.  Either way, you need to stay focused on your plan.  This is the time when your Dad needs those outside influences firmly in place to help guide him through this.

Please don't let his behaviour affect the way you feel about him.  I can see it's getting to you when you say that the whole decision to move is pushing you away from him.  I would hope that this is just a temporary thing from your Dad.

Once you have made the move it will be like starting afresh which I think will give both of you a good opportunity to work on your relationship.  In the meantime you need to stay strong.  Don't let those doubts come creeping in.  I think you are a wonderful daughter.  You have done so much for your Dad up until now.  You have taken care of him and been there for him when he has needed you.  Nobody could ask for more than that.  You've already earned your fair share of halos.

[tulip]

thank you this is helping me.

[Baboo]

oh the time table idea- i do like that one. A good trick to remind you of what day in the week it is as well 😉 thats some thing i can forget when im stressed out and tired anyways