Self Harm

[Angels333]

Hi @outlander Thanks for sharing your story about SH and suicide attempts.    I have made a few attempts in the past too.  My last one was 5 months ago. That's when SH all resurfaced again.  I thought I had it all under control when my Psychiatrist admitted me to hospital for a Medication change.    Coming off the meds triggered the attempt and SH,   I was put on a new medication and that worked a bit but I was still using SH . So my Psychiatrist is changing my medication again but this time out of hospital.    It's been 5 weeks now without a proper dose of medicine and SH got increasingly worse as I'm not taking a therapeutic dose of meds.   There's been a few factors as to why it's taking so slow to increase the meds.  1st my Psychiatrist increased my mood stabilizer and he wanted to wait to see if there was going to be any side effects,  then last week a routine ecg that's needed for the antipsychotic came back showing heart disease and he's sending me to the cardiologist and of course he won't increase the antipsychotic until I get the results from the cardiologist as this antipsychotic can effect your heart rhythms.   I  see the cardiologist on the 18th so I'm just hoping I get the all clear.  If the cardiologist says that I have something wrong with my heart then I'll have to start the whole process again with a new medication.    I don't mean to blame all my SH on medication or lack thereof but I know for a fact I'm better off with meds,   I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle atm

Angels333 

[Angels333]

Hey  @outlander @Molliex @BlueBay @Shaz51 @MDT @Maggie @greenpea @Appleblossom   and anyone else reading along.

Just an update on how I am going.   I have managed to hold of on SH in the evening at bedtime.    I'm actually feeling less anxiety about it.  I really felt good having some control.   It's now 3am in the morning and I did use SH just now.   But I am focusing on the positive side that I managed to hold of on SH in the evening.

I have a busy day today I have to get up and do some housework then I need to go shopping to pick up some kids t-shirts for a tie dye night I'm running.   I need to be back by 12pm to go to lunch with Mr Angels.    Then in the afternoon I am having 3 friends over for them to practice tie dyeing.    I'm really nervous about people coming over.  As I never invite people into my home.   I'm just so anxious about being judged.   I'm hoping I can avoid SH tomorrow with all the distractions.    I hope the urges go away.

I hope you all are having a good day today,  thanks for listening to my rants. 💕💕

[Maggie]

@Angels333  Today sounds like a busy day, with some fun and challenges working together. I understand to well not having people over due to anxiety and judgment. You are giving it a go, good on you for that.

I hope the SH urges go , it’s a battle. Thinking of you @Angels333  knowing you are doing the best you can, no one can expect more from you than that. 💜💕💜🌻🌻🌻☕️☕️☕️

[Molliex]

Proud of you @Angels333. I'll be thinking of you. You're stronger than you know 🌻🌻🌻

[greenpea]

@Angels333  Hey Angels333 hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. Rant away the pea rants too lol :). I wanted to wish you luck with your tie dyeing afternoon (wish I was there). Enjoy your lunch with Mr Angels :). Looking forward to hearing about how it all goes and above all have some fun today. Love peaxxx

[MDT]

@Angels333 🙏
My friend. Thoughts with you. You can get through this dark patch 🙂

[BlueBay]

Thinking if you today @Angels333  

take care xxx

[Appleblossom]

Doing Tie dye sounds great @Angels333 

Little spaces without SH are the place to focus. 

I am learning to view and consider old SI methods with calm, a sad calm, but trying to respect my active positive choices.

Battling on myself, but choosing life and forgiving myself for mistakes.  I filled up car with petrol but forgot wallet, said I would come back next day to pay and forgot, lucky they held form for a 2nd day and I remembered.  I really have a lot on my mind, but it feels so silly amd panicky.

Keep taking care of business.

[Angels333]

Hey @Appleblossom  @BlueBay  @MDT @Molliex @Molliex @Maggie @Shaz51   thanks so much for your responses I read them all and they really help me through.    Sorry I haven't been able to reply individually 

Today was great!   I achieved so much this morning to prepare for visitors I did so much cleaning and then mindful setting up for tie dye.

Visitors came and went and it was a real success. I enjoyed a nice coffee after they went, I was exhausted.    

The good news is I went the whole day without any SH and I think that helped with my confidence. 

Unfortunately tonight I used SH and I hurt myself quite badly,  bringing back all the feelings of shame and despair. 

I just have to ride it out and hope I can have more days of no SH, I'm feeling really desperate atm

[MDT]

Go easy on yourself @Angels333
I know it's easier said than done. But just see how you go.
You are a great person 🙂