Hi All,
My apologies up front for not being very active in any description for quite a while now. The reason is that I have been completely bogged down in my son's mental health issues. Let me explain a little.
For those that don't know he is 17 and has Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder and has been in a fantastic residential care program for adolescents for the past 8 months. Everything was going really well. He got his mojo back (somewhat) and began functioning like a semi-normal normal human being ... until integration began. Since that moment until now he has been on a downward spiral which is now spinning out of control.
Many things have happened over the past 8 weeks. Going AWOL from the facility x 2; increased aggression; increased suicidality; a significant drop in mood and functioning, etc, etc, etc. Need I say more?
I've been trying to hold up the fort. To be supportive, understanding, tolerant, etc. Myself, combined with the flotilla of professionals that have been invested in his mental health, are now up against a brick wall. No-one appears to be able to connect with him; no-one has found that illusive inroad; no-one knows what to do next.
As I type this my son is in a psychiatric emergency care unit (PECC) because of his suicidality. Yesterday after therapy he told me convincingly that he wanted to end his life. That he was "over suffering". He accused me of being selfish for wanting him to stay alive and that my own needs overruled my sensibility in letting him go. He vocalised means, and placed me in a position where I had to take what he was saying seriously and as a result the Acute Care Team became involved. He voluntarilty went to hospital, as opposed to being taken by ambulance. He was admitted and remains there as we speak until they can formulate yet another plan that may help him ride this storm and place him on firmer ground with more hope.
It's all looking very dismal at the moment. He hates where he is. He wanted out this afternoon but was given sedation to control his agitation and make things more tolerable. I remain strong and present, but my hope is dwindling rapidly. i fear for this boy like nothing else. I feel he is incompatible with life. It just isn't working for him. I feel powerless. hopeless, exhausted and numb. I desperately want "normality" but it continues to ellude me. I feel like a spectator watching a train wreck about to happen, if not already happening. This is a horrible place to be. Mental health issues suck. They are the psychic equivalent of cancer; a slow, insidious death of the a person's spirit while they remain physically strong. It's so cruel and has such enormous and unseen collateral damage to all those around.
I live for the day when he can climb out of this darkness and feel the sunshine again .... but maybe that day will never come.
Feeling despondent
Janna 🙃
