Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[CID]

The triplet again,

One useful method of communication I have studdied and persued (but forgotten for the moment in my own low mood)...is Non-Violent Communication (Roosevelt).  NVC is a method of communication we, the carer, learning the method and keeping what we have leared to ourself (s).  It primarily (summary of course) is understanding the sufferers feeling and needs.  We cannot know how they feel, it is impossible, but we can ask them, whilst admitting we cannot understand.  Listen, listen & listen and ask what do they need to do to change how they feel.  The sufferer is able to then possibly see the answer for themself.  Of course when the time is right.  Remaining firm with our boundaries where possible.

You can view this online and I remember when I learned of this method that I wished I had know of it all of my life.  Also available from Libraries to hire DVD.  Most of the material is on the website. 

I'm thank ful for this forum because It has brought me back to earth.  Yesterday I was leaving...but now I am stronger.  Thanks all, blessings.

[Alessandra1992]

Also Rufus May uses non violent communication at his workshops..and you can Google some of his talks on YouTube.

[ivana]

I woundn't be harsh on your son as he has a dysfunction -whether Neuropsychiatric or Psychiatric and isnt coming from the same place as if he was a "normal" teen.

Try to look at the intent because by knowing the true intent you can then better form your feelings and reactions in response.

Ie:a "normal" teens intent might be to manipulate,but in your sons case his intent is probably more likely to be fear and emptiness.

When you can see that, then your more able to see that his situation is heartbreaking rather then a wilful attempt to bully or manipulate you and then your likely to feel different about the situation rather then feel upset/feeling manipulated/angry etc.

If your son's only way to feel any joy is via his computer then its no surprise he could be so attached to it as without it perhaps he is void of ability to get any pleasure out of life so he might feel extreme emptiness without it and panic when its unavailable for whatever reason.

Does your son have any friends? Or a girlfriend?

Is he able to get any pleasure out of activities such as the gym or reading or sports, etc?

Regarding his "so called diagnosises",consider taking him to see other doctors.

Vison issues should not be dismissed and are serious and it seems that the doctors he has seen are dismissing any physical complaints that he has as being "psychosomatic' due to your son also having psychiatric type symptoms.

A huge number of doctors in this country cannot accept that patients can have both physical and psychiatric symptoms caused by illnesses such as prolactinomas,thyroid disorders,lupus affecting the cns,Tle,brain tumors,vitamin B12 deficiency etc...

In addition they also cannot accept that certain patients can have both psychiatric disorders and REAL physical disorders in the one body so they will often dismiss those patients symptoms as "somatisation disorder" without any scientific evidence that this is true.This is a tragedy and a huge part of the reason why people with Mental illnesses often have a much shorter life expectancy than others because doctors are being neglectful and dismissing their physical symptoms.

That you expected that your son would recieve lots of tests when he was placed in the psych ward was someone naive,to be honest sorry.

Most doctors in public hospitals unfortunately believe in things as strictly physical or strictly mental and that the two don't meet.

In other words,once a person is put in a psych section thats usually the end of hope for any tests as other specialists will believe the words of the Psychiatrist that their symptoms (in your sons case vision) are all in their head (somatisation).

Theres often a huge stigma from medical specialists towards treating patients with co existing psychiatric symptoms or taking them seriously etc.

Please can you take your son to see a good optometrist who also does a test called 3D OCT Imaging and choose the optometrist carefully.

Im guessing that he has never had a brain mri-is that right?

[Appleblossom]

I think you must be very strong and loving to  maintain your self and son.

Here are my thoughts for what they are worth. Just take what is useful to you.

It sounds as if your relationship with son is more like my mum and my brother than like me and my son.    She ended up letting him abuse her too much and it was not good for either and hard to watch on the outside. She had no idea about boundaries and they are not my strong point but it is a way forward.

I was scared, no TERRIFIED, that my son would be too dependant and that we would turn out like mum and bro. So from his late teens I would occasionally crack jokes that left him in no doubt that I loved him but that there were important limits.

My son is 6' 5" and has had the physical upper hand for a long time.

EG., i) If he gets too much I will buy him a tent and a bottle of milk and he can camp out the front and figure the rest out for himself.

It became a thing he could throw back at me and I was ok if we bandied it around  a bit.  It was such a silly image it eventually made him laugh and I said I would be supporting him by the purchase. 

ii)That if he ever hurts a little old lady  I will visit him every week in gaol but that I would be the one to dob him in. He knows I stood on my feet since 16 and he knows about the deaths, so it was important for me to use humour as things were already heavy enough.

The energy in the house was very uncomfortable throughout his teen years.  As I work at home and he did not go to school I think it is amazing that we have come through as well as we have.

We have since talked about being over sensitive to each other and that he was worried about me and that I was worried about him, in mature ways.

iii) the other strategy I used was to use basic household  items in silly ways  to make him laugh like beating him up with a serviette or empty milk carton.  It introduced an element of physicality and play that helped him work through his emotions.

I also insist on a small board.  Dont let your son fool you in that be wary of the emotional blackmail side of things.  Even sick people can meet basic commitments.

I did not get a hug or cuddle for about 12 years, but in the last 6 months I have had 3.  I see that as PROGRESS.

Good luck sharona

He still lives with me and is still a bit antisocial but gets out a bit, and is managing his part-time job i shift.  I am optimistic but careful. We would be richer if he claimed Centrelink as well as his job, but I love that he actually does not want to milk the system .. Milk is a powerful image for both sexes

Motherhood is about bring people into the world.  We are not responsible for every moment of every day for our offspring. The umbilical cord gets cut for good reasons. The self esteem they get from responsibility is priceless.