Autistic parent seeking reassurance

[Odyssey_Onwards]

Hello!

Seeking some reassurance.

I've had an extremely difficult year. It's hard to summarise as so much has happened. I had my second baby at the end of last year. The birth was traumatic which kicked off postnatal depression & PTSD. I've also been diagnosed in recent years as autistic & ADHD, which I am still learning about.

I needed an inpatient admission for a few weeks earlier in the year which was helpful but hard as I had to be separated from my kids. My partner is highly supportive but very burnout - working fulltime, caring for me & the kids. 

When I was unwell, I became very angry and explosive (not in a violent way, but I was very intense and found it hard to move past my traumatic experiences). Unfortunately this has damaged many relationships. I feel really socially isolated.

I also have a lot of uncertainty about my ability to work in the future. I am a professional and much of my identity was in my career. Before having kids, I was quite successful in my field. I fear now my professional reputation has been damaged. I work part time, but am struggling with this and know the job I'm doing is not sustainable long term. We are struggling financially because I can't bring in an additional, reliable income.

We are in a regional location, so supports are very limited. We don't get much help with childcare. I have a new NDIS package but am struggling to navigate this and find supports that suit me. Our oldest child is autistic. We are navigating this also. They are a beautiful kid, but very intense. So my partner and I do not get any time alone to recuperate, make plans, just enjoy our relationship. My partner is very averse to seeking help for himself or for us as a family. I have to navigate this myself with a struggling brain.

I don't feel hopeless as I've had mental health issues throughout life and have experienced recovery. Life just feels so relentlessly difficult. I feel utterly overwhelmed and alone. I am very help seeking. I have a great psychiatrist. Medications are helpful. But I've struggled to get much support outside of this because I am finding my experience so niche that there is always some aspect that is not understood - e.g. having to talk to a male crisis counsellor and not having my postnatal experience understood, having my disability invalidated, being seen as too low risk for acute care... I am in a rut.

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums @Odyssey_Onwards ,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. It sounds like things have made a complete turn since having children and it's been a new chapter in your life that you've had to navigate.

I hear your struggles as you and your partner try to make ends meet and trying to find supports where you are sounds incredible difficult too!

Do you connections with online Autism services? e.g. Autism Hub? They may be a good source of support if seeing you do not live near easily accessible places. 

At the same time, do you have someone you can speak to? If you ever feel you need a chat with someone, our SANE counsellors are available on 1800 187 263 (M-F 10am-8pm AEDT). Sometimes, when we get to talk out loud, it can make situations more manageable. This is so important as it sounds like your partner is also feeling burnout.

I'm wondering if you can organise respite care for your child/ren one weekend or something so you get that time 'away' from the 'noise' of everything that is happening? I know you mentioned childcare is difficult, but even some weekend respite?

Please know there is a community here behind you to listen to you.

[hanami]

Hi @Odyssey_Onwards 

Gosh what a tough time you've had of it. I don't have children who are autistic, but I certainly understand postnatal depression. I'm so sorry you're going through this. @tyme had some great ideas for support which I hope are helpful for you.

Take care and keep checking in

Hanami

[StanD]

Hello @Odyssey_Onwards 

Welcome to the forums.

Wow. You remind me of me!

Yes, you are very 'help seeking' - me too. Well done reaching out here. I have been on here, on & off for years. It doesn't 'solve' problems- it can be another excellent resource.

I'm picking up that you are expressive too. Off-loading is good medicine.

With the proactive approach we take - I feel like it can be almost a negative at times. I feel like giving up because I am putting in so ooo much effort to ask for help & I keep running down paths with no end in sight. I get very frustrated that my efforts are hugely disproportionate to the my returns.

You wrote,

Life just feels so relentlessly difficult.

Thankyou!

I'm sorry & sad you feel this way too...  it really does tho. I'm glad you expressed this. I feel so much the same - not always - I have great days - but the difficult part - it's simply way too much.

@tyme mentioned respite for your child. This would have been my first practical suggestion too. 

You sound very on top of things, overall. Life is , can be, so extremely difficult.

I am seeing in myself now, how I don't focus on all the things I have managed to overcome.

I completely understand that you need to vent, you want support, you honour intamcy with your partner.

If I could re-write your post from the perspective of "look what I have achieved - against all odds" - it changes the story.

I am only seeing this now, thru you. I am not in any way trying to diminish the exhaustion, frustration you might be experiencing.

I quickly wanted to add that I see, a tiny amount of guilt - not very much. I do the same. I am so guilty, for these circumstances that I have zero control of.

Maybe my feedback has helped you? I think you have helped me. 

If you would like reassurance - I believe you are doing outstandingly 💗😊✅

The relationship breakdowns you mentioned, were not your fault. You were unwell. You needed to behave a particular way to maintain your own sanity - even if you looked bad doing it. 

People need to be more understanding, & open minded, forgiving. We all have bad days, months, years. You don't sound like a bad person at all. You sound respectful, kind, appreciative, warm, good insight.

You are doing great 👍

Keep going 🤗 @Odyssey_Onwards 

Edit. P.S I am diagnosed Autism Lvl2 & ADHD too. 

When we need support - We REALLY NEED. I think this is different & 'neurotypical' ppl don't quite understand. Like we are making big deal out of nothing. It is isolating feeling. I am still learning too.

I wish, if anything - that wider community could understand that people who have Autism fight to cope every single day. We don't ask for help much. When we do, it is very serious♥️