Done

[Elusive_fairy]

An update.

Turns out, my long term partner cheated on me for 2 years. I had no idea.

It turned into severe emotional abuse. I have never been so confused, scared, and hopeless. 

I left him just over a month ago. I had to sneak in while he was at work, move out all my belongings, before blocking him on everything. 

His housemate, who turned out to be his ex all along, helped him cover it up and enabled him. 

I am at a complete loss of how to process this. There is so much I found out, that made me sick to my stomach. He got someone else pregnant while with me. When the woman tried to warn me, I was gaslit as he denied everything and claimed she was crazy. I know, classic.  This housemate/ex told me to not engage with this "crazy" woman. She was truthful all along. 

I can't escape this. Nothing helps. I'm free, and it makes no difference. My life is a permanent joke.

[tyme]

Hey @Elusive_fairy ,

We are sorry to hear about what has happened. It sounds like a huge shock. Just reading it feels so numbing.

As you post, are you able to share what support you are hoping to receive from the community here? This is in line with Community Guidelines around "Tell the community what you need".

I hear your grief and I hope the community will be able to share their insights so you feel less alone.

[Shift83]

it’s happened to me before in the past and it really took a long time for me to get over and I’m not really sure I really ever did get over it.

I know it’s a little cliche but you do have to understand that it is not you. It is them. Some people are just born this way and they don’t see anything wrong with it. what makes you the better person as you are nothing like them.

I understand you feel hurt, gaslit, betrayed angry, upset and these are all normal feelings. from my experience only time can heal.

stay strong. 💪 ❤️

[tyme]

Hey @Elusive_fairy , I the post from @Shift83  above is for you I believe 🙂

[Ruby26]

@Elusive_fairy I'm so sorry that you are going through this. A month is still very early in the healing process after a breakup with an abuser. It is normal to not have started to feel better yet. I still felt terrible a month after I broke up with my ex, I thought I was just done with feeling good. It will take time but you will heal from this. 

What has helped me is to learn more about gaslighting, trauma bonding and other manipulation techniques that abusers use. It is also helpful in this early stage to focus on your physical health- eating, hydration, resting and exercising. Even very small self-care achievements can help you to feel better. Try and have some sort of routine and take gentle steps towards exploring new interests and hobbies. I had to start online because I couldn't cope with much face-to-face contact, but I was able to build up over time to start socialising again. Contact with others can really help. 

[tyme]

How are you today @Elusive_fairy ?

[Elusive_fairy]

@tyme Most days I'm totally detached and feel like I'm in a dream. Other days I feel lost and miss who I thought was my soulmate. It's seemingly impossible to comprehend any of it. Everything changed. I'm trying to stop making sense of it, to be at peace with never knowing what was real. I just miss him.

[Elusive_fairy]

@tyme I suppose I just need to feel heard and validated. My world has crumbled and I just want to feel okay.

[tyme]

I'm hearing you @Elusive_fairy .

I wonder if you can tell yourself that you are okay, and that what you are feeling is part of a process of grief?

I hear how strong the feelings of loss are, to the point of feeling numb. Have you heard about the 5 stages of grief?

What you are feeling is totally valid.

Feel free to have this space to talk about what is going on for you if you think it will be helpful. 

You are not alone.